Of Mice and Women

There's something I've been thinking about a lot recently. “Let it Go”, a song from Disney's animated motion picture, “Frozen”. But I'm not here to talk about that, nor do I intend to discuss how the viability of my OKCupid profile has increased by a full order of magnitude since memorizing its lyrics. The thing I've been thinking about recently is ethics, and not just because I'm currently taking a class on the subject. Also because I recently watched an anime called “Psycho-pass”, which was basically a lecture in Utilitarianism. As well as brutal hammer murder. So basically just like my ethics class. (That link should explain the noodle incident from the last post)

Truth be told, I've had some of these ideas kicking around in my head for awhile now. I even considered presenting them as the second installment of “Real Talk with Havoc Mantis” for my anniversary, as a call-back to the post that (re)started it all. But considering how strangely prophetic that turned out to be, I think I'll avoid the risk of jinxing it and refrain from referring to this as a Real Talk. Because if there's one thing that my life doesn't need right now, it's more crazy murderesses.

I suppose my theory goes something like this: Fictional characters are held to a different moral standard than real people. In a story, almost any crime can be forgiven, if there exists a sufficiently tragic backstory or a sufficiently heartwarming act of redemption. Remember all those kids Darth Vader kind of slaughtered? Remember that planet he blew up? Yeah, kind of, but he also threw an elderly man to his death, so we're expected to believe that his Karmic checkbook is as balanced as Skullgirls' roster. In fact, my ethics professor addressed this misconception on the very first day of class (a bit too late, I might add): Hurling a senior citizen down an elevator shaft does NOT absolve you of culpability. Darth Vader also has the tragic backstory angle working for him. Bearing witness to something as terrible as the prequel trilogy changes a man. It's what caused Qui-Gon to lose his faith in humanity, ultimately leading to his attempt to destroy Gotham City. The despair it caused in Obi-Wan led to him taking up heroin, and its banality caused me to continually reuse jokes.

Ewan Mcgregor once played a role in which he did heroin. That was a joke.

I think it's safe to say that, from a young age, most of our exposure to weighty morality comes from fiction. On screens and in books, we see heroes make tough choices. Is killing the villain justifiable if it means fewer people will die? Is it permissible to lie in order to protect someone? Should you really tell Becky that she looks fat in that dress? In our everyday lives, morality is far less pronounced. When was the last time you were in a climactic duel that ended with your nemesis dangling over a vat of molten steel, clutching your outstretched arm, and you had decide whether to pull him up to safety or drop him to his death? If you're anything like me, that could have been up to a month ago. In real life, morality is much more subdued. Being a good person is less about “Deciding that human life is sacred, and there is no crime for which death is a fitting punishment” and more about “Abstaining from getting your friends involved in time-consuming projects, then forcing them to do all the work because you lack every necessary skill to get anything done, wasting their time with a half-finished mess”. As much as that sounds like a cheap shot at someone else, (because it kind of is) it's actually directed at myself. I doubt you're reading this, Basicles, but if you are, I'm sorry about doing that thing. I'm being so sincere right now.

So, to recap, in fiction, terrible actions can be forgiven by virtue of external factors. And in real life, most people's exposure to morality comes from fiction. When we judge ourselves, (as seldomly as possible, in most cases) we know our own backstory, and can use excuses to rationalize our seemingly immoral behavior. Like that one time you ran that red light, but you were really late for an important job interview, so you had no choice. Or when your friend punched that cashier in the face for making small talk, but he only did it because was really stressed from a bad day at work. Or, to use a personal example, that one time I set fire to a McDonalds Playplace, but only because some men want to watch the world burn, and I am among their number. But the problem is that when we start judging other people, (or they start judging us) we don't know their reasons, nor do we give one infinitesimal dshit. When someone else runs a red light, well, they were probably in a hurry to the asshole convention they're chairing. If someone else punches your friend in the face for trying to be polite, they should be locked up. If someone else sets fire to a McDonald's Playplace, they're clearly unhinged. Because we only know the backstory for ourselves and our friends, we tend to be much more forgiving of them than strangers. This is called special reasoning, and is the source of roughly 60% of the world's problems, and an astounding 100% of them that don't stem from me setting fire to things.

Hey, remember that thing I said earlier about crazy murderesses? Well, that was because I originally intended to compare various fictional killers, (all female of course, as well as at various levels of being a computer) and discuss how odd it was that the ones with the higher body count were actually the ones I found more sympathetic, despite my softcore subscription to utilitarian ideals, which might conclude that death is not conducive to happiness, and therefore killing is directly correlated with bad times. Sure, I could attempt to justify my opinions with the argument that those with the highest K/D ratio exist in a state of affairs where punishing them would bring about no further happiness, but then I realized that no one cares about my perverse ethical standards, and the potential to give away spoilers would be too great. And besides, one of them managed to convince me to bake a real life cake, possibly risking the health of my real, flesh and blood family, which is certainly indicative of a major problem in my brain, chemically speaking, if not spiritually and metaphysically. On the other hand, one of the girls was GlaDOS, (Don't you dare get uppity about this. This is less of a spoiler than the fact that Tale of Two Cities ends with you getting bored and closing the book.) so I'm sure I could have made a killer joke about how the cake being the truth is a far harsher reality that a blissful lie. I had also intended to give a shout-out to my friend Quincy Sharp, but not for the murderess that you might expect.

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

Anyway, speaking of crazy murderesses, I finally found a new blog buddy! If you like things that are funny, you should go check out Lessons in Unnecessary Enthusiasm (DoubleFactorial), a blog written by an improv associate of mine, All Ice 'n– actually, scratch that. She gives her real name right there in the URL, so there's no need for my to devise a cryptic pseudonym that only I find funny. As for referring to her as a murderess, what can I say? Funny people have a thing for killing. No one yet knows if this is an example of correlation or CAWsation.

That was a pretty funny joke, but at what CAWst?

Speaking of cryptic pseudonyms, I'd like to take this opportunity to issue a resounding “screw you” to the AHPI. But I would also like to once again thank you for that thing with my wallet in the QuikTrip bathroom. We're cool.

Out of respect for my newfound blog buddy, I will now end this post in the same way she ends all of hers: with a haiku.

All haiku are dumb

This one is no exception

I am so meta  

The Incest Inquirer

Thanks to school, work, and my overwhelming desire to Default in a manner as Brave as possible, I have yet to finish the post I started writing awhile back. I might get around to it eventually, but in the mean time, please enjoy the return of the good Doctor Lou Tennant. Or in the nice time, I guess. Whatever floats your boat.

Hello, all of my shoujos and kanojos (and everyone else, I guess) and welcome to another one of my glorious literary catastrophes. I’m writing this one in the hope event that Havoc Mantis is too busy (lazy) or unable (dead) to write one of these himself. I thought about doing a thing for New Year’s, and luckily for you, that’s as close as I got to typing one of these travesties. Unluckily for you, I have once again taken up the mantle of Bumbling Writer Extraordinaire (M.D.). So, instead of a coherent list of things, I’ll just ramble about some of the cool stuff I’ve come across. Buckle up, baby.

First up is Corpse Party, a game I just recently discovered despite it being out for so long. What can I say about Corpse Party that isn’t covered by the name alone? Not much, but I can guarantee that it’s a good time. A butthole-buttering good time. In fact, you are now cordially invited to my next corpse party. No no, I insist. Where else am I going to find fresh corpses for consumption? But I digest. Corpse Party features a cast of incredibly stupid students (and their teacher, also of questionable intelligence) who decide that doing a weird-ass ghost ritual they found on the internet is a good idea. Obviously, the shit hits the wall (among other things, hue hue hue), and the group becomes trapped in the Doom Dimension. The Doom Dimension is essentially a nightmarish version of their school filled with ghosts who want to exact their vengeance on any who enter their domain.

Nothin personnel...kid...

The game is incredibly graphic in nature. Honestly, I think science has to invent new colors for some of the stuff that’s in the game. Stuff like “mutilated mauve” or “pulverized peach” (add that to your 120-pack, Crayola). The gameplay basically has you wandering around the school trying to reunite with your friends—and not die a horribly painful death, I suppose. The game spans multiple chapters and viewpoints, so of course there are a plethora of bad ends. Your choices matter, so having multiple saves is highly encouraged, if not a necessity. Those ghost kids aren’t playing any games. I can’t blame them, though. I imagine it would be pretty difficult to prevent becoming chaotic neutral in a dimension where you feel the pain you felt at death for all of eternity. If you like gore, plot, or good games, give it a try.

I’m just going to quickly mention this one, since it just came out in the U.S. and I’m not done playing it yet. Bravely Default is pretty great. In fact, it’s fantastic. It’s a game where you kill people and steal their clothes to take their powers. If that didn’t convince you to buy it, I don’t know what will.

Seriously, you take their clothes

Now, let’s move on to some animu, since that’s mostly what I’ve been doing these past few months. I’ll start with Working!!, an anime about a group of people who all work in a family-style restaurant. The show is pretty weird, as none of the characters are even remotely close to normal. The show features a masochistic mini-con, a lively loli, and a bushido bishoujo, among others. I hope you appreciated that previous sentence, because I almost quit writing this because of it. Almost. Anyway, Working!! is just a show about shenanigans. It’s pretty good, and I’d recommend it, but don’t feel obligated to watch it right away.

Slapping an apostrophe on means it's a new season. Get hyped for WORKING!! PRIME

I. WOULD LIKE TO SHOW. You an animu called Psycho Pass. If you've seen the show, you know what I was alluding to. Else, feel free to eat the spaghetti I just spilled. Psycho Pass is a darn good anime, and I WOULD rather you rush to watch it right away. It’s set in a future where the Mood Matrix became a reality, and the police have access to the psychological profiles of all their citizens. Watching the rookie become a hardboiled vixen of virtue/lady of the law/jawn of justice was pretty awesome. The law is the final word, and those judged to be a threat to society are eliminated on the spot. The show raises several philosophical questions, but I watched it for the cool plot stuff.

My, how the mighty have fallen. Originally, Oreimo ("Ore no Imōto ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai", which translates to "My Little Sister Can't Be This Cute". You can see where this is going. -Ed.) (That stands for "editor", not the other thing. -Ed.) was the guilty pleasure I could happily talk to other fans about. Now it’s that one thing I did that one time I don’t want anyone to know about. The second season was absolutely horrifying. Well, the OVAs were the culprit, to be specific. The entire time I was watching the second season, I was thinking, “SURELY THEY WON’T.” They did, and son, it was more horrifying than anything I could have imagined. A joke can only go on for so long; eventually, it’s not funny anymore, and you’re actually married to your sister. I would still recommend the rest of the series, as it’s pretty good, but please, if you value your Crime Coefficient, don’t watch the OVAs.

Girlfriend? But I already have a sister.

I guess that about wraps this one up. I can’t help but notice my posts pale in comparison to the ten-point theses that are Havoc’s posts. Not that it matters, since no one expects quality content from this blog anyway. I’m writing this after not sleeping for over 24 hours, so it’s probably a mess, but hey, not my problem. SCRATCH THAT, I EDITED IT AFTER SLEEPING, BUT IT’S STILL A MESS ANYWAY LOL. If you actually made it through this, than I’m either a better writer than I thought, or you’re just a glutton for punishment. That said, I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Top Pun 2013: Music

As with last year, this music list will be arranged with no particular care, including songs, albums, soundtracks, genres, and instruments. As such, the order will be largely arbitrary. There's not much else to say here, so let's get right to it.

Hatsune Miku

Favorite song: World is Mine

Despite this being the third time I've posted this image, I do believe this is the first time I've actually mentioned who this is. This is Hatsune Miku, first and most famous of the vocaloids. To reduce the matter to a gross oversimplification, a vocaloid is an autotuned text to speech synthesis program. I'm not familiar with the details of the program, but the gist of it is that you input syllables, pitches, and durations for notes, and it outputs a song sung by a computerized voice. Naturally, with Japan being Japan, this program was anthropomorphized into a schoolgirl with a short skirt, long twin-tails, and sleeves that don't seem to be attached to the rest of her clothing. Also a tie, just in case anyone's keeping score.


Miku is really more of an instrument than an artist, as any idiot with the software can produce a song that's exactly as legit as any other. I think that Miku represents an interesting philosophical Idea in the relationship between machines and art, redefining what it is that makes art truly human in the first place. But, dropping all pretense of me being interested in some high-minded philosophy debate, I will admit that I just really like several songs composed for her. I could discuss the implications of an immortal pop star who never ages, whose voice only gets better as technology improves, and who is immune to the embarrassing scandals that plague so many stars. But I would be lying out my ass if I implied that I had any idea what I was talking about, and I think there's been quite enough of that on this blog already (For instance, I actually do look like a robot-man in real life). Although, with regards to the whole "immune to scandal" angle, try googling "Hatsune Miku", in conjunction with a word that you'd be reluctant to use in front of your mother. I can all but guarantee that on the first page you'll find things that would make Miley Cyrus blush.

At this point, I'm including these references just so they'll seem outdated in the future.

The King is Dead, by The Decemberists

Favorite Song: Rox in the Box

OK, yes, this album is 3 years old by now, but I thought I'd include it as reparation for my earlier statement that I regretted buying it, which I now regret.

"Rox in the Box", despite the shoddy spelling, is just a damn good song. I can't really do it justice with words, but it has an all-encompassing realness to it. Listening to it is accompanied by an urge to just go out and do something, like chopping down a tree, or building a cabin, or... well, perhaps not mining granite, if the lyrics are meant to be taken seriously. Thankfully, I'm well practiced at resisting these urges, so nothing ever comes of them, but the reminder that music can make me feel something is appreciated.

"Down by the Water" also evokes a similar degree of realness, though not enough to inspire italicization, I'm afraid. As a whole, the album sounds considerably more "American" than most of the Decemberists' previous work, which had a decidedly British feel, with lyrics featuring muskets, nautical adventures, and bagmen, which I assume is something like a humanoid bagworm.

Artist's Interpretation

Fire Emblem Awakening Soundtrack

Best Song: Don't You Dare Speak Her Name!

I had originally considered making this entry solely about this one song, rather than the Fire Emblem soundtrack as a whole. And if you listen to it, I think you'll understand why. This song is powerful. It is at once mournful and majestic, as well as thundering and triumphant. It only appears once in the game, and like a wizard, it arrives neither early nor late, but exactly when it is meant to. In the interest of avoiding spoilers, I'll just leave it at that.

The rest of the soundtrack is pretty damn good, but only a few songs are notable enough to be mentioned alongside the aforementioned. Id~Purpose is one of those songs. Id is the name of the theme song for the tactician, your custom unit in the game. There are quite a few different arrangements of the song, and Purpose is easily the best. It's the song that plays on the last stage of the game, with all of the grandeur that the position entails. The way it mixes in the main theme of the Fire Emblem series later on is a nice touch, unless you're so good at Fire Emblem that you beat the last stage before the song even gets to that part, brother of mine.

Look at Mr. Fire Emblem Prodigy over here.

Finally, I'd like to mention the song that it plays when you initiate a carnal union between two of your units. (i.e. one proposes to the other) Because there was clearly someone from the "name first, ask questions later" school of naming aboard the development team for this game, it's called "Ha, ha! Yes, it will take some getting used to!" While it serves as a decent piece of listening music, the main reason I like this song is for its honesty. While you might expect a theme for a proposal to be cheerful, uplifting, and romantic, this one is pervaded by a sense of anxiety. A proposal is a stressful event, and this song reflects it, while still conveying a sense of romance. If I ever propose in real life, there's a good chance I'll start playing this song, so it might be a good idea to train yourself to run away from this song on reflex.

Paper Mario Sticker Star Soundtrack

Favorite Song: Kamek Battle

And now, I turn my attention to the other game made by Intelligent Systems that I played in the year of 2013. I had originally bought this game as a Christmas present for my brother, but because he never had the time, I ended up playing it before him. I then retconned my Christmas present to "Playing Paper Mario Sticker Star so you didn't have to". The game wasn't very good, but the music was very good, which is why I'm including it on this list. Picking a favorite song was difficult, because there isn't really one song that stands out above the rest. Almost every song in the game is great, but none really rise to the level of excellence set by Don't You Dare Speak Her Name! That said, I think it can be argued that, as a whole, Paper Mario's soundtrack is better than Fire Emblem's, as it has more great songs than Fire Emblem, though none that are as fantastic as the best in Fire Emblem.


Game Grump Remixes

Favorite Song: Jon Wins

Game Grumps was (or still is, if you're a casual) a Youtube show in which two friends played video games while cracking jokes. I believe it to be responsible, at least in part, for the trend of "Let's Play" videos on Youtube, where you can watch people play games, instead of playing them yourself. It's like being a younger brother, and having to wait for your older brother to finish playing a single-player game before you can play, except you're doing it to yourself on purpose.

Aside from being a chief exporter of 80% of my friends' inside jokes, The Game Grumps is also a decent source of music. Except they don't make the music; for whatever reason, some person once got it into their head that it would be a good idea to take words said by the Grumps, and autotune them into a song. For reasons lost to time, this caught on as a trend, and there are now hundreds of songs on Youtube consisting of remixes of things the Game Grumps have said on the air.

When questioned about possible involvement, Shenron declined to comment.

If that sounds like a recipe for terrible music, then, well, it kind of is. I won't deny that the majority of Game Grump Remixes are pretty bad. Garbage, even. But good stuff is out there, and some of it is pretty damn great, if you know where to look. xXJerryTerryXx is my favorite GGR composer, annoying naming conventions aside, and I also recommend Atpunk and liltommyj. Conveniently enough, the three have collaborated in the past, resulting in two Triforce Collaborations, though the second is a medley of a bunch of little bits of their previous songs, so it's probably bet to wait until you've heard those before you give it a listen. And while it may be a bit late to mention this now, a fair few of these songs contain crude language. So I don't want to hear complaints about the new words you learned when Jon described just which of his arms hurts.


Skullgirls Soundtrack

Favorite Song: In Just a Moment's Time (Credits)

Did you think it was over? Did you think I was done gushing over Skullgirls? (NO ECCHI) Well, that's too bad, because there's plenty more where that came from. I'm not sorry.

Obligatory image "borrowed" from Lou Tennant

First of all: That credits song. I admit, it's something of an acquired taste. But goddamn if it isn't one that I'm extremely glad I acquired. The singer's voice has an unusual quality to it that didn't really catch on with me until after I had heard it many times. But there is a chance that the song is being sung by a dread artifact through which the very threads of fate are spun by the Gods themselves, so I guess I'll give it a pass.

The second standout song of the soundtrack is the awesomely named "Skull Heart Arrhythmia", the battle theme of The Skullgirl. As a final boss song, it hits all the right notes, so to speak. The haunting chorus at the beginning sets up an appropriately climactic feel for the battle, and the jarring shift to a more frantic melody later on matches up well with The Skullgirl's more aggressive strategy as the fight wears on. If this fantastic song is meant to be an apology from Lab Zero games for making the final boss so unpleasant, then apology almost accepted. Almost.

I accept apologies the same way I beat Skullgirls. Almost

The whole soundtrack has more great songs than I could possibly link, but you can check it out on "music for poor people" app Spotify if you're interested.

Frozen Soundtrack

Favorite Song: Let it Go

While this list is full of things that were created before 2013, then discovered by me this past year, the opposite is true of Frozen. The movie hit theaters in 2013, but that wasn't the year I watched it. For the sake of simplicity, let's just say I watched it in 2014. The main reason I'm including it here is because it's the only noteworthy movie from 2013 that I watched, and I don't feel like writing an entire list on movies with just one entry, because that kind of behavior is strictly in the domain of classless assholes.

But that's not to say that the music doesn't stand alone as worthy of this list. Frozen is a musical, (something that I didn't know going in) as well as a damn good movie. (something else that I didn't know going in) The film is a perfect mix of heartwarming, heartwrenching, and genuinely funny; it really stands up to the standard of children's movies established by Wreck-it Ralph. It has enough dumb jokes to keep kids entertained without being annoying, as well as real substantive humor, with a smattering of adult humor that's subtle enough to leave you legitimately questioning whether or not it was intentional. That said, if you don't crack a smile at a line like "Why have a ballroom with no balls?" being dropped in a children's movie, then either your heart is so Frozen that not even a kiss from your true love can thaw it, (SPOILER: This is a movie about princesses) or you possess some sense of decency. Either way, you make me sick.

But this is a list about music, not my repressed desire to be a pretty, pretty princess. That post is still in the works. So I guess I should say something about the music. It's... uh... super good? Sorry, this entry is a bit of a fixer-upper. For instance, those spoilers I just linked to.

Conclusion

As before, this post is (mostly) about music that I discovered and enjoyed during the year of 2013, rather than music actually released in 2013. And with that disclaimer, my Top Pun lists for 2013 are officially concluded. I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I loathed writing them. And on that note, I'd just like to state that there is a good chance that it'll be awhile until my next post. My workload for college has gotten yet more intense, and I can't say I've many ideas on what to write about. Until next time, this is Havoc Mantis, signing off.

Top Pun 2013: Interactive Fiction

Visual novels and adventure games. With a single exception, this list is all those things. For those of you who don't know what a visual novel is, and are too wise to click that link to tvtropes, it's basically a computerized choose your own adventure book with branching paths, images, music, and, invariably, cute anime girls.

I PLAY IT FOR THE STORY, GOSH

This post may have provided more respite from such wanton weeabooism, had I not found The Stanley Parable so disappointing. But I did, so it doesn't. Because I actually very much dislike rating things, I'm going to start with the ones with the most gameplay, then ease my way into the ones that focus more on reading.

Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc (Mantis)

You know that one book you read before it got really big and they made a movie based on it? And then everyone else watched the movie, but you knew that you were better than them, because you got the REAL experience, while they only know a mere shadow of its greatness. That is what I have going on with Dangan Ronpa. An anime based on it was made shortly after I played it, and whenever I hear anyone talking about Dangan Ronpa, (when I'm attending anime parties) I imagine they're probably talking about the anime, and that I have therefore lived a fuller life than them.

Dangan Ronpa was first described to me as a cross between Ace Attorney, Virtue's Last Reward, and Persona, which to me is like telling a stereotypical man that something is a cross between tits, bacon, and more tits.

Two out of three ain't bad, though.

The story strongly resembles that of Virtue's Last Reward; several people are locked up in a sealed environment, and forced to play a deadly game of trust and betrayal in order to escape. Dangan Ronpa ups the ante with 67% more characters, (after rounding) all high school students with incredible talents in such wide-ranging fields as baseball, swimming, gambling, fortune-telling, being an otaku(?), and being lucky. Naturally, the last one is the main character, who must compete against living national treasures while being painfully mediocre.

The gameplay is similar to Ace Attorney, in that you gather evidence and hold trials to find people guilty, except it is done through the metaphor of gunslinging. You have to investigate crime scenes to gather ammo (evidence) so that at the sundown showdown (class trial) you can shoot other gunslingers (classmates) in the dick (weak points in their argument). The actual game's gunslinging isn't quite so extreme or vulgar, but you do present contradictions in arguments by shooting your words at their words, which really ups the intensity.

Between class trials, you can spend time with your classmates, developing bonds with them in a manner similar to the social link system from the Persona games. This serves a dual purpose: if you build a strong enough bond with someone, you get special power-ups that can be used during class trials, in addition to making your despair all the more exquisite when that character inevitably dies.

All-in-all, Dangan Ronpa is a fantastic game with compelling characters, intriguing mysteries, spectacular twists, and breathtaking betrayals. It hasn't officially released in the US yet, but it's on it's way to the PSP Vita. Don't ask me how I played it; I know a guy.

Ace Attorney

If you found my omission of Ace Attorney from my games list objectionable, then fret not. I will now silence any doubts that I found Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies unworthy of making a top something list for 2013. I can testify that this game was pretty great, and you can take that as the honest truth. Since I can't really shoehorn any more exclamations into this, and I don't really have anything to actually say about Ace Attorney, I'll end this entry here.


The Walking Dead

Since this is the one entry that isn't a visual novel, I'm contracting the task of opinion-writing to a colleague of mine, without his knowledge or permission.

I've actually talked about The Walking Dead before. And I even linked to the same blog in that post, because writing is easiest when someone else is doing it. There isn't much more to say, except that the game isn't really about story, in that there's a cohesive narrative with a climax and a resolution and all that, but instead a bunch of things happening to people in a zombie apocalypse. As tremendously unflattering as that sounds, it's still a great game. It's just that it's sort of a slice-of-life drama with zombies. Or perhaps "slice-of-death" would be more appropriate. And now that I've made that joke, it's time to move on to...



Analogue: A Hate Story (As well as Hate Plus, to a somewhat lesser extent)

Analogue: A Hate Story is a visual novel about going through the records of an abandoned spaceship to learn about the Neo-Confucian society that developed on it, and what happened that killed everyone aboard. It is a great read if you wish to "get mad at the patriarchy", as a friend of mine, Stylin' Franklin, once said. The title "Analogue", as far as I can tell, serves only to contrast with "Digital: A Love Story"*, a previous work by the same author, Christine Love, whose title contains a clever double entendre that I only recently realized. The "Hate Story" part of the title, though, is spot on. The society's exaggerated focus on institutionalized sexism under the guise of "filiality" is sure to illicit blue shell levels of anger, but uncomfortable parallels between it and reality hit close to home. Also, cute girls with ties.

Albeit a different, more developed kind of cute

At this point in the list, gameplay is minimal. The closest thing Analogue has to gameplay is the visceral satisfaction of using a command prompt, straight-up ordering a computer what to do from on high, with the power of the gods themselves. I think that my favorite part of this visual novel was when it called me a dumb bitch, and I believed it, because I am a deep person with complicated emotions. That was the reason I liked it, not the reason I believed it when I was called a dumb bitch. I believed it because, well, I was kind of being a dumb bitch. It also has a sequel, Hate Plus, which focuses on how a colonizing spaceship devolved into a sexist hellhole in the first place. It doesn't have as much weighty subject matter as the first, in my opinion, but I still found it enjoyable, and would definitely recommend picking it up if you're already getting the first one. Though they're both pretty short, so you'd probably be better off waiting until they're on sale. Rereading this entry, I noticed that every single sentence has a comma in it, but I swear that wasn't on purpose.

don't take it personally babe, it just ain't your story

This is the first visual novel by Christine Love that I read, as well as my favorite. "don't take it personally, babe..." tells the story of a high school English teacher in a distant future where high school English teachers are permitted unrestricted access their students' social networking profiles, able to read all status updates, wall posts, and even private messages.

The entire thing was written in a single month, as part of NaNoRenO, which is like NaNoWriMo, (National Novel Writing Month) but with Visual Novels. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't show. There are a few parts where it seems a bit rushed, and it altogether isn't too long. But I don't think it would be too farfetched to say that this visual novel has caused me to feel harder than any other fiction. It is responsible for the first documented case of me crying, and I read it after I watched Ano Hana.

This song alone has been known to cause more crying than an onion cutting its wrists.*

But it's not just sadness that I felt. As a social media junkie who feels a little high every time I see a Facebook notification, this Visual Novel to me was basically like heroin to Obi-wan Kenobi. And to watch high schoolers play out their petty, adolescent dramas, and just feel so above it evokes a sense of... power? I can't quite put it into words, but there was a sense of mad glee in overseeing the social lives of teenagers. Naturally, these emotions led to fear and confusion in the few remaining sane parts of my brain, as I wondered why I was taking such delight in this perverse voyeurism. When coupled with the incredibly brilliant use of a particular literary technique that I am not at liberty to divulge, (spoilers) "don't take it personally, babe..." is one of my favorite visual novels. Then again, no one else I know seems to feel as strongly about it as I do, so perhaps my words are to be taken with a grain of salt. But you can download it for free and make your own judgement, if you so choose.

G-Senjou No Maou

Hey, remember in the middle of last year when I was talking about classical music, and then started transparently lying about how it wasn't because of something I read? Well, as it turns out, my interest was brought about by G-Senjou No Maou.

I confess, officer. I have seen that penguin before.

G-Senjou no Maou is widely considered the Ocarina of Time of Visual Novels, in that I didn't like it quite as much as I thought I should, but still liked it a lot nonetheless. The title translates to "Devil on G-string", a reference to Bach's "Air on the G-string" and Schubert's "Erlkonig" (German for Devil, as well as a demon in SMT. This was cause for much squeeing), as well as my stripper name. It tells the story of Kyousuke, a young man who was adopted by a ruthless Yakuza boss in order to pay off his father's debt. At school, Kyousuke maintains the facade of an oblivious rich kid, while at night, he makes a name for himself as a ruthless mob negotiator, like an anti-Batman of sorts. When a mysterious criminal known only as Maou rises to power, Kyousuke is tasked with putting a stop to his nefarious plans, reluctantly accepting the help of a brilliant and mysterious transfer student with more hair than social skills. Unless Kyousuke decides to settle down with one of three other girls, in which case Maou sportingly agrees to abandon his schemes and take up a hobby instead. Speaking of other girls, this is an eroge, so there are H scenes. The H stands for, uh, "Hugs".

As one might expect from the title, classical music plays a large role, with almost all of the soundtrack based on famous tunes from classical composers, resulting in some unsurprisingly bitchin' music. (Though, ironically, the few original songs are perhaps my favorite) For its gripping story, likable characters, fantastic music, and shocking twists easy enough to be predicted by me, I can see why it's considered by many to be the greatest visual novel of all time.

Conclusion

As with before, this list is by no means meant to represent the best of 2013, only my favorites. In fact, rather few of these works were actually finished in 2013; that's just the year that I got around to reading/playing them. Expect the next list to be about music, and then stop expecting for there to be any lists after that, because games and music from games are all that I experienced last year. And here's hoping that this year is much the same.



*I devised this joke about onions cutting themselves independently of Bo Burnham. I had never even heard him say it before, I just happened to give someone a sneak preview of this joke, and they said it was from Bo Burnham, and I had an Episode. I did not steal this joke. I'm being so sincere right now.

*Special Bonus Message from the future!
Since writing this blog post, I actually discovered the true meaning behind the title "Analogue". One might expect that it refers to the opposite of digital, as in an "analogue" clock, since its title has the same structure as "Digital", but this is not the case. When referring to electricity, it's spelled "analog". "Analogue" with a ue refers to a literary device related to analogy. So the title, in fact, refers to how the Hate story is analogous to the previous love story, and is also analogous because "Analog" is the opposite of Digital. When I figured this out, it's an understatement to say that it blew my mind.

And the best part about all of this? I made it all up. None of it was intended by the author. When I proudly proclaimed all of this on Twitter, she responded with confusion. Apparently, "Analogue" is just how it's spelled in Canada, where all the cool internet people live. Furthermore, the double entendre I mentioned, the fact that it's a "Love" story written by Christine "Love", seems to have been entirely coincidental. In any case, I can't wait for her next work, Ladykiller in a Bind, which will surely have me ascribing deep, imaginary significance to what is in actuality just girls tying up other girls.

Top Pun 2013: Games

As you can probably glean from most of my posts from the second half of this year, I've done a lot more gaming this year than I did last year. This year was a curiously good year for JRPGs on the 3DS, as well as the year that Steam came in like a wrecking ball.

All I wanted was to make a joke.

Because this year had a lot more games to choose from, it won't be half made up of games I didn't like or didn't even play, like last year. This time around, I will only mention games that I truly enjoyed, and Pokemon X. Also, because there are more games that I really like, ranking them is more difficult. Just because one game has a lower number than another doesn't mean that I think it was absolutely better.

7. Pokemon X

On the other hand, Pokemon X was absolutely given the highest number because it is worse than the others. There is no doubt that I've discussed this game more extensively than anything else on this blog, so there's not much more to say. One of us has changed, Pokemon. I don't know whether it's you or me, but I'm afraid it doesn't matter at this point. I think it would be for the best if we saw other people.

6. Rogue Legacy

Rogue Legacy is a game about jumping and slashing monsters in a spooky castle. The gameplay could be compared to that of Megaman, so long as you don't mind a swift and vicious reprimand from someone who's actually played Megaman. In reality, I'm told it's more along the lines of a “Metriodvania” kind of game, so if you know what that means, bully for you.

The gist of the game is that you have to defeat the four bosses of a mysterious castle to find the prize inside. Naturally, the castle is filled with incredibly dangerous monsters; it is inevitable that you will die. When this happens, you legacy is inherited by one of your children, who can have various traits, like dwarfism, ADHD, Glaucoma, Peripheral Artery Disease, and many more, which affect how they fight. This mechanic is the crux of Rogue Legacy, and really all there is to say about it. Otherwise, it's just a damn fun game.

5. Bastion

There seems to be a trend among indie games of favoring style above substance. If you focus too much on making your video game art, it might cease to be a video game, instead becoming a work of art in the medium of pretension. And while some games eschew gameplay to focus on a story about how monumentally clever the author thinks he is, Bastion shows that a game with solid gameplay can tell a simple, powerful story. There isn't really much else to it. Bastion is a masterpiece, combining excellent music, gorgeous visuals, a compelling world, and a nifty narrative, delivered by the best narrator this side of Stephen Fry, of LittleBigPlanet fame. And all for the affordable price of $15, or all the way down to $2.24 if you catch it on a daily sale like I did. Bastion is likely the best value of any game I've ever bought on Steam, and has perhaps the highest benefit-to-cost ratio of any purchasing decision I've made in my life.

4. Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale

As a game, Bastion is clearly superior to Recettear. The shopkeeping aspect of Recettear is pretty simplistic: Buy things when the prices are low, sell when the prices are high, profile your customers to determine how much to charge them. The combat is similar to Bastion's, but without all of the complexity or customization. The story lacks Bastion's depth, and the music isn't nearly as sophisticated.

While Bastion is without a doubt a better game than Recettear, I cannot say for certain that it is more fun. While simplistic, the cycle of buying, looting, and selling is insanely addictive. The story isn't as likely to win a Fields Medal in literature, but the characters are all lovable, and the dialogue is both clever and heartwarming. The music is catchy as all hell, and just like Bastion, it does a great job of creating a world that you want to learn more about. Get used to seeing words to that effect, because I've learned while writing this that setting is apparently something really important to me. It's also terribly cute, which is also apparently something that appeals to me now. If you see my masculinity, please contact me in the comments about returning it. In one of my previous posts, I prematurely declared Recettear the MVP of the Steam Summer Sale, but I think it managed to hold its throne.

3. Shin Megami Tensei IV

Shin Megami Tensei IV is an RPG (a JRPG, in case you hadn't guessed from the title) where you recruit demons so that you can fight other demons to decide the fate of the world. It's kind of like Pokemon, except you, the trainer, get to mix it up alongside your Pokemon.

Dramatization

When describing Shin Megami Tensei, the one word that keeps circling back to my mind is "superlative", because I'm a snob for words. SMT has everything you could want from an RPG, and it does it all better than any other JRPG I've ever played. Granted, my experience with JRPGs is mostly limited to those starring Mario, but I imagine that's a pretty good cross-section of the genre as a whole.

How does he expect to get any critical hits with a 'stache like that?

The story, music, combat, are all superb. The demon fusion system makes evolving and customizing your demons fun and... well, I wouldn't necessarily say “easy”, but you'll want to do it anyway. All the demons are based on real world mythological figures, as I've mentioned before, and there's really no describing the feelings that are felt when one finds a demon they recognize. Conversely, similar feelings are felt when hearing of some mythological creature in the real world that you recognize as a demon from SMT. It also does a fantastic job of teaching you the different districts of Tokyo, so prepare to feel a jolt of recognition any time you hear about Ueno. If you're willing to subject your friends to your own endless blathering about how you totally already knew that Odin had an 8-legged horse named Sleipnir, I highly recommend you pick up this game.

2. Skullgirls

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE MAIN EVENT.

Déjà Vu

Despite being an entirely different genre than Bastion, I find that it is actually quite similar, in that it is also a masterpiece. Generally, they both embody my ideal vision of an "indie" game: a game that has style, but doesn't sacrifice excellent gameplay in the process. And let me tell you: Skullgirls is a game that exists at the intersection of substance and style. It's hard to explain the ephemeral concept of style, but I cannot think of a single game with more of it than Skullgirls, save perhaps Trauma Center.

Surgeon General's Warning: This joke requires intimate knowledge of the full name of the protagonist of Trauma Center

 More specifically, Skullgirls and  both tout hand-drawn graphics, fantastic music, laudable voice acting, engaging settings, and great stories. The hand-drawn animations really are beautiful, (no ecchi) and the jazzy soundtrack, combined with a creepy opera opening theme contributes greatly to the aforementioned style. The voice acting is pretty solid all around, and there are plenty of puns and interesting dialogue between characters to keep you paying attention. The star-studded cast includes a curious number of voice actors from the magical girl anime "Puella Magi Madoka Magica", which fits, given the similarities between Skullgirls and magical girls. To give away the reasons would be a spoiler, but I'll give you a hint: Orthodox Judaism.

You should become a Magical Girl!

The world of Skullgirls is a strange and confusing one, so my readers should feel right at home there; the details given are few, but each one only fuels your desire to know more. The story is the perfect embodiment of what a fighting game story should be. Each character's story has some relation to that of the eponymous Skullgirl, and some are related to one another, but they are at the same time self-contained. The overarching story is simple enough to be easily understood, and each personal story does an excellent job of portraying the characters' personality and motivations. And, like any good story, there are feelings to be had. Viewer discretion is advised.

The best part of Skullgirls is the fact that every part of Skullgirls is the best part of Skullgirls. The worst part of Skullgirls is the part where you have to stop playing. I was initially wary of Skullgirls, as I was more or less coerced into playing it by Dr. Lou Tennant. Fighting games aren't really my cup of genre, so I figured it would be a waste of money (During a Steam Sale, I consider $10 to be a monumental purchase). But now that I've tried it out, I could not have been more wrong. Skullgirls might just be my favorite game on Steam so far. I think I might literally be in love with this game.

1. Fire Emblem Awakening

At this point, you may be wondering where else there is to go. I've already covered a masterpiece, a game that's more fun than a masterpiece, and then another masterpiece. And while I love all those games greatly, the title of Havoc Mantis's Game of the Year could only ever go to Fire Emblem Awakening.

If you asked me what my favorite game of all time was, I would probably kick you square in the face. Maybe even pentagon in the face. I don't like being asked personal questions. But if I had to answer, I would probably say that I have three favorite games: Super Smash Bros. Brawl, because it's just the funnest damn game I've ever played, Virtue's Last Reward, for its incredible plot and characters, and finally, Fire Emblem Awakening, for existing somewhere between these too extremes on the spectrum of fun and story.

My last post on Fire Emblem reads like a war of attrition, so I'll try to keep things more concise this time around. Fire Emblem Awakening is by far my favorite entry in one of my favorites series of games. It's a top notch strategy game and RPG, with a variety of different classes to utilize, plenty of difficulty levels for players of all skills, and plenty of customization available with the skill system. Your welcome, by the way, for the realization that “plenty” is an absurd word.

The story is good – probably the best of any Fire Emblem game, but it doesn't quite stand up to heavyweights like Virtue's Last Reward and Shin Megami Tensei IV. Where Fire Emblem really shines, though, is in its characters. With very few exceptions, the characters are all incredible. While they all have their zany quirks, they don't feel like caricatures. Support conversations between them can be funny, thought-provoking, heartwarming, heart wrenching, heartburning, or even all at once. Strengthening the bonds of love and friendship between your units is extremely satisfying. But that's enough about creepily overseeing peoples' relationships. More on that later.

I've run out of adjectives to describe Fire Emblem Awakening, so I'll just say that it's doubleplus good and leave it at that. Every time I play it, there's a civil war in my brain between the part devoted to playing Fire Emblem, and the part devoted to doing everything else. And every time, the former wins. 

DISCLAIMER: This is not necessarily meant to be list of the best games of 2013 – just my favorites of the ones I played, not necessarily ones that were released in 2013. All opinions expressed in this post do indeed reflect the opinions of Havoc Mantis, LLC, and all of his affiliates.

 

The Day of Havoc Mantis

In celebration of this blog's 50th anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis. But before you go making any exclamations, Great Scott, I'll have you know that you may not have overshot. If your destination was December 19th, 2013 CE, then you're exactly when you want to be. If you find yourself in the future, don't worry. I'm on my way there as we speak. And if you're in the past, then you've broken time. I'm sure your parents were very proud when they will hear what you are doing.

But if time travel shenanigans are out of the question, what other explanation can there be for this contradiction of a 50th anniversary for that which has not been around for 50 years? Well, as the greatest detective of all time once said, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." And as improbable as it seems, Batman is right. The truth is that I stone cold lied to you. I purposely and maliciously omitted words from the opening sentence with the intent to deceive you. The full, uncensored edition reads as follows: "In celebration of this blog's 50th post, as well as its first anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis." 

Nicely done. By presenting the Blog archive to the court, you've revealed the contradictions in my testimony. The evidence clearly indicates that there are a total of 51 posts on this blog, and that they only go back to January this year. But there is an explanation. While this particular blog only dates back to the beginning of 2013, it had its origins in the seedy underbelly of tumblr, and was imported to its current home after a month. The post number remark is actually true. I said that this post celebrated the 50th post, not that it was the 50th post. So what is this mysterious 50th post? Well, if Doctor Who has taught me anything, it's that every 50th...Anniversary needs a guest star. So, to play the role of David Tennant to my Matt Smith, I've convinced my best friend, Dr. Lou Tennant, to write up the 50th post. In fact, it's right below this one. He's a really funny guy, but he's never written anything like this before, so don't be too surprised if it's only one or two orders of magnitude better than what you're used to around here. You can go there right away, or you can continue reading this, because I've still got some things to say.

I thought that I might as well use this benchmark as an opportunity to take a trip down memory lane, recounting all the funny moments in the history of this blog. So we shouldn't be here too long. Although, all self-deprecation aside, this blog has more words than "The Great Gatsby". When you're dealing with more than 3 words, you just have to accept that we might be here awhile. So find a comfy place to sit, as I compress an entire year's worth of writing into only the parts worth reading.

First Post!

Man, screw this post, and screw the tumblr that spawned it. It was written way back in the dark ages, when I first made a tumblr, under the pseudonym "The Omnificent T-dub". That's why it referenced my name being stupid. Because it was. Also, it's pretty adorable how I deemed that "a little TL;DR", when nowadays that much text amounts to little more than a footnote to me.I just can't help but feel that feel you feel when you know that someone thinks their funny, but you know they aren't. For reference, consider the feel you're currently feeling.

Back with a Vengeance

Don't believe the title of the previous post. This post is the true first post, and I hope you get used to reading the word post, because I post a lot about the posts that I post. I think I might actually literally be crying at how absurd the word "post" is. Is this what crying is? Gross.

Actually, I'm certain that this is what crying is, because that is the only appropriate response to reading this. But if you're afraid that the rest of this trip down memory lane is going to be me bagging on my own writing, don't worry; I'm pretty sure I've written things that I've liked. But not this. The tone shifts abruptly and pointlessly from serious to joking, and while there are some funny moments, (particularly the joke I stole from XKCD) the whole thing just kind of falls flatter than justice. And that joke just goes to show you how much I've improved: While I used to make jokes that no one else would get and I would dislike after a year, I now make jokes that no one else would get, but I am confident I will find hilarious forever.

And an out of context picture seals the deal

Of Loners and Friends

In my opinion, the first paragraph of this post is one of the finest things I've ever written, utilizing tried-and-true standbys, like jokes about the taxonomic class of your mother's dentist, while also boldly blazing new trails with jokes about marriage. And while the level of fanboyish obsession that I exude is genuinely creepy, I wouldn't have it any other way. Is it really so strange to collect restraining orders the way some collect stamps?

Orthodontia

If I had to pick one of my posts as my favorite, there's a good chance it'd be this one, despite, or behaps percause, it being pretty edgy, especially for my earlier work. In particular, I make a bold political statement, firmly declaring myself to disapprove of one of the hated groups in America. (People still know what the Westboro Baptist Church is, right? If I tried to make a Final Fantasy joke, would anyone get it?)

Except even more infuriating, amirite?

It also contains one of the two instances of race humor on this blog. Or I guess three, if you count that joke  that I explicitly didn't make. But it's OK. Some of my best friends are runners.

A Gentleman's Challenge

Because I continue to sport to this very day, I am now going to make public the answer key to this post, and reveal the seven words that were issued to me. At least, as many of them as I can remember. I am sure that "photon" was one of them, and my extensive physics training allowed me to make short work of it. While it did not contain any of the Selected Seven, I believe that the phrase “More parched than a thirsty barber” deserves recognition for being one of the least sensical things I've ever typed. The next word was abstract, so you can blame that for my digression to talking about mathematics, and, more regrettably, “Mathology”. If, in the future, this post has been deleted, assume that it was removed to conceal from grad schools any evidence that I'm actually a moron. Though, if that's my intention, I might just be better off purging this entire blog from the internet.

Moving on, I believe “ebbing” was one of them, which allowed me to make a choice laundry detergent joke that I had saved up for quite some time. It is also worth noting that I came up with the phrase “Original Gentleman” independently from Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer. No plagiarism was intended on my part. I'm pretty sure that “magnet” was one of them. Or maybe it was rainbows. Or perhaps miracles? I'm pretty sure that at least one of the words was brought to you by the Insane Clown Posse. Conflagration was definitely not one of the words.

I'm pretty sure that Hippopotamus was one of them. When I started talking about Pokemon, I think I had intended to say something about the Pokemon Hippowdon, but I decided to make a truly awful joke instead, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Actually, as it turns out, when I saved this post to the Great Archive of Havoc Mantis (Currently hiring! Only Top Men need apply) I included a list of the challenge words. Apparently "rainbow" was one of them, rather than magnets. I don't remember if rainbows were mentioned in ICP's treatise on Miracles, but I sure as hell don't get paid enough to go back and take another listen, so I guess it'll remain a mystery. I kind of forgot that I left this segment unfinished until the day before showtime, and I don't have it in me to write any more, so I'm just going to list the words. Entice, photon, rainbow, trickling, hippopotamus, abstract, ablaze. We cool? We cool.

Listless No More

I guess I'll kick this off by saying that, yes, I do intend to do a similar top X list for this year. When it comes to coming up with ideas of what to write about, annually counting down the best things of the year is easy prey. And I like my prey how I like my women. So, after this post, expect the list festivities (listivites?) to begin. Though I haven't really watched any movies this year, and there isn't much to say about Machine of Death II that wasn't said about Machine of Death I, so expect it to mostly be just games and music from games. But boy do I have some games to talk to you about.

I feel it is also worth noting that perhaps my favorite joke on this entire blog occurs in this series of posts. To be specific, it's the part where, in reference to Katawa Shoujo, I say “Bring a tissue. What you do with it is up to you.” It's one of the lewdest jokes I've made, but is at the same time subdued enough to be classy. Though I'd just like to point out that, when presented with two options, one does not necessarily have to choose one or the other exclusively. Just keep that in mind.

I feel like this image is enough to land me in Hell, or at least a government watch list.

While I'm here, I'd also like to issue a redaction on something that I said in the actual post titled "Listless no More". When I said that "ideas are a precious commodity..., to be treasured like an unwrapped Starburst that you find on the ground". I meant for that to be a wrapped Starburst. Unwrapped Starbursts that you find on the ground are by no means entirely without value, but I think you'll find that they are not quite as precious as ideas.

Diamond Emblem

For a long time I've considered this my least favorite post, because it mostly just consisted of me giving my opinions on a game, and that was never the intended purpose of this blog. I know that you don't care about my opinions, and I don't think you should. All I really want to do is try and spread a laugh or two. So don't feel like I actually expect your opinions to be swayed by my writing, unless the opinions in question are on whether or not you want to be my pal, in which case I hope you sway in the “no” direction. For your own sake.

Anyway, going back and re-reading this post, I found that the problem is that there are no pictures. Allow me to now rectify this problem.

Imagine me making a moist, unpleasant sound with my mouth. Any such sound will do.

Also, with regards to the title, I was referring to the fact that the game was hard. Diamonds are also noted for their hardness. Though, compared to Lunatic difficulty, even in Casual Mode, Hard difficulty is a walk in the cake.

Creep Deprivation

This post contains a great mystery to me. Towards the end, I make the claim "I have too many actual ideas about education to come up with a suitably ridiculous one." and I have no idea why. It doesn't taste like a joke when I read it in my brain, yet I have no memory of having actual ideas about education. I recognize that America's current education system is pretty cocked up, sure, with too many people focusing on grades and getting degrees in things they don't actually care about, but I don't know that I have any ideas about how to solve these problems. Unless... Sledgehammer Olympics. BOOM! I'll take my prize in cash.

σ

In actuality, this post is probably my least favorite. I actually harbor a deep, irrational resentment towards those who identify themselves as "sO rAnDoM", and give stock examples of how weird they are, not realizing how much it makes them sound like every other teenager just desperate for attention. The reason you're not "normal" is because no one is. Stressing how different you are from this mythical "normal person" is little more than stereotyping everyone who doesn't belong to your little circle, and it seriously undermines human diversity. And the fact that my longest post to date smacks of this ignorant philosophy, while not being terribly funny, kind of hurts me. If the 50 posts I've written were states, this one would be Oklahoma.

And while I'd love to keep this entry brief and end on that pithy little jab, I want to mention that I hate this post even more after I noticed a reference to mathematical induction that is stupid. Making jokes about math you don't understand is more stupid than orthogonally projecting a hypersphere onto the z axis.

Screw Clever Titles: I'm Talking About Pokemon Stuff

Despite that devilishly clever title, I'm going to take this opportunity, not to talk about Pokemon stuff, but to expound on a single throwaway line that raised questions that many of  you have been aching to have answered for the past 5 months. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I mention "half-heartedly writing romance stories"; I am now deeply saddened to report that my labors bore no fruit. Some time around the beginning of summer, I entered into a pact with a few of my friends. Afterlife Battlefront had visions of writing a visual novel, and enlisted us to aid her. I won't go into too much detail, just in case anything does come of the idea, but it was pretty standard Visual Novel stuff. The player took the role of a student who had to choose one of four potential love interests, each of which had a story associated with them. There were four authors in total, including myself and Afterlife Battlefront, and we were each tasked with creating a love interest and a story for them. I tried my damnedest, and even ended up writing somewhere on the order of 20,000 words of story, script, and misc. ideas, but a single flaw prevented me from finishing the task to completion: my utter lack of ability to tell a coherent story. I put the "incoherent" in coherent storytelling. Did you see what I did there? That was wordplay, what I did there.

This also solves the mystery of the cryptic remark in my description about how "I might write fiction, depending on how some things work out." As it turns out, I don't, because they didn't. Although I wouldn't entirely dismiss the possibility that I finish my story and make it available to the public, I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't even know how I'd go about holding someone else's breath.

Conclusion

All in all, it's been a pretty great year, and I hope the next one is even better. And to help kick off the new year, I'll be dumping a collection of puns that I've accumulated over the semester. They double as a hopefully opaque attempt to pad the length of this post so that it usurps the throne of longest post from σ. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of some of these, but dammit, 30 is a nice number, so I just have to keep them all. 

Q. What do you call a ghost staying at a hotel? 
A. A polter-guest

Q. What does a printer spread on its morning toast? 
A. Paper jam

Q. What do you call an inflammatory crocodile? 
A. An insti-gator

Q. What do you call a giant transforming robot with only two factors?? 
A. An Optimus Prime Number

Q. What do you call an attorney's outfit? 
A. A lawsuit

Q. Why should you never play blackjack against the Prince of Mathematics? 
A. Because the Gauss always wins!

Q. Where did the proton bury the body? 
A. In an electric field

Q. How does an electron say farewell? 
A. They particle goodbye

Q. When an inmate is making a jailbreak, how fast does he go? 
A. Escape velocity

Q. What is it called when a jazz musician moves towards you? 
A. Blues shifting

Q. What do you call a song about electrochemistry? 
A. An ode (anode)

Q. Why was the singer cruel? 
A. Because he was harmonic mean

Q. Why are condoms logical? 
A. Because they're made of Vulcanized rubber

Q. How do you keep your hats safe? 
A. With a caps lock

Q. Why did the mathematician not brush his teeth? 
A. Because he wanted to study the calculus

Q. What do you call a dairy farmer's diary? 
A. A Cream journal

Q. What do you call a naughty orchestra? 
A. A sinphony

Q. What do you call a deaf paladin? 
A. A knight in signing armor

Q. Why did the tree complete the square? 
A. Because he wanted to find his roots

Q. What do you call a fire at a noodle factory? 
A. A tragedy of the ramens

Q. Did you hear about how 1 and  √-1 are dating? 
A. I heard it's complex.

Q. Why did the dog write poetry in tetrimeter? 
A. Because it has four feet

Q. Why should you never kiss a chemist? 
A. They think that first base is caustic.

Q. What is it called when a circle wins a battle but at great cost? 
A. A pi-ric victory

Q. What is James Mays' favorite element? 
A. Car-bon

Q. Why did the 10th Doctor rent a flat? 
A. Because he was a David Tenant 

Q. What do you call a whip that isn't very heavy? 
A. A light switch

Q. Ron Weasly walks into a bar. What does he order? 
A. A Ginger Ale

Q. Why did the lawn ornament pass the class? 
A. Because he did all his gnome-work

Q. What does a fashionable scientist wear? 
A. A fab coat