The Most Punderful Time of the Year: Music

Now, it's time for the same list as last time (remember last time? An entire semester ago? Remember when I measured time in increments other than semesters?), except instead of describing the gameplay, story, or other merits of my favorite games, I will be focusing exclusively on the music, about which I can say little more substantial than "IT'S REALLY GOOD YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO IT BY CLICKING THIS LINK". But damn if that'll stop me from trying.

Persona

Persona 3: FES Opening
Persona 4: Like A Dream Come True (Reincarnation remix)
Persona Q: Light the Fire Up in the Night (P3 Version)
Persona 4: Dancing All Night: Dance!
Every Persona Game: Poem for Everyone's Souls

If there's one thing you should know about Persona, it's that it's a game about shooting yourself in the head to summon demons while rap music plays in the background. Seriously. (Well, one of the games, anyway) But if there are two things you should know, the second one is that the menus in the Persona 5 trailer are unreal. If you had told me 10 years ago that menu technology would have advanced so far in such a short time, I would have told you to tell me more interesting things about the future, honestly. But if there are three things you should know, the third one is that Persona has some seriously cool music. If you're in the market for J-Pop with lyrics that you can almost understand, then Persona is like an all-you-can-eat buffet, provided that you can only eat 40 or so songs. Of course, that's just a completely fabricated estimate of the number of vocal tracks. There's plenty more instrumental music, which is, in some cases, just as tasty. Add in the -Reincarnation- albums “Burn My Dread” and “Nevermore”, and you have a bunch of music of a quality that might be described as “unfair”. Seriously, just listen to that rendition of “Like a Dream Come True” and tell me that you don't feel a twinge of pity for all other music for having to try to measure up to that.


Child of Light/Cœur de pirate


Child of Light: Aurora's theme
Cœur de Pirate: Golden Baby

The main draw (absolutely nothing to "get" here [see: the previous post –ED]) of Child of Light is the verse. Virtually all text in the game rhymes. It's the reason I got the game in the first place, but it's not the reason you should get it. It all rhymes, for the most part, but it's more written in yard than it is written in meter, if you're catching my drift. And while the quality of the poetry isn't the best, the sheer quantity of it is impressive, and just about everything else about the game is fantastic; the combat is fun and interesting, the art is beautiful, the story is alright, and, most relevant to this post, the soundtrack is great.

FULL DISCLOSURE: My first thought upon listening to the full soundtrack on Spotify was "man, I'm glad I didn't pay money for this". But, in my defense, I'm a college student with enough things to spend money on, and I'm quite content with listening to good music for free with minimal inconvenience.

Spotify: Music for Poor People!®

But another thing I can thank Child of Light's soundtrack for is introducing me to the composer, French-Canadian musician Cœur de Pirate, literally "Pirate Heart", which I would call dibs on for a band name if it weren't, you know, already in use. In addition to composing, she sings in both French and Canadian, and is very good at both.  Also, one of her albums has #skeletons on it.

My #Twitter #Brand

The Giddy Limit/Professor Elemental

The Giddy Limit: Please Don't Feed The Trolls
Professor Elemental: The Quest for the Golden Frog

I off-handedly mentioned Professor Elemental a while back, when I said that I may have to preach about him someday. Well, his newest album, "The Giddy Limit" dropped last year, so the day has finally come. Professor Elemental is a steampunk rapper of sorts, a prominent artist in the genre known as chap-hop. Chap-hop is, more or less, an imagining of what rap would be like if it were invented in Victorian England. Rather than rapping about drug use, gang violence, or how to use the power of dance to save your local community center (I, uh, don't really listen to a lot of rap), Professor Elemental spits rhymes about incredible contraptions, fantastic adventures, and silly hats. And while his songs are mostly silly and humorous, they are by no means just a joke. As a poet myself, I am fully qualified to assert that his flow is in fact most "fresh" and, uh, "dope". So if you're a doughy white boy looking for rap that won't upset your parents, (or, more likely, upset your parents for a whole different reason) or you're just a fan of poetry and music at the same time, I highly recommend that you check him out.

“The Giddy Limit”, despite sounding like the title of a calculus course taught by me, is an album that I paid actual money for, putting it on par with the Frozen soundtrack, Bastion Soundtrack, and like two other songs I've ever paid for (see: the previous entry. Er, the Spotify part, not the “Pirate” part). Actually, I retract the “despite” from that last sentence; that's probably exactly why I paid money for it. The reason for the unusual title is... quirky and British, probably? I honestly have no idea.

Bravely Default

Final Boss song: Serpent Eating the Horizon

Remember Attack on Titan? Even if you don't, you probably watched it; a lot of people did. Called “Japan's answer to The Walking Dead” by people who enjoy angering fans of Attack on Titan and fans of The Walking Dead, Attack on Titan is an over-rated anime. But that's not to say that it was completely without merit. One of my favorite parts of it would have to be the opening, one of the hypest songs I've ever heard. I'd have no problem throwing myself at a 50 meter behemoth with no hope of survival if that song were in the background pumping me up. Now I want you to imagine an entire soundtrack composed of songs that are as hype as the Attack on Titan opening. If you're having trouble dreaming up such a wild fantasy, then, well, I can hardly blame you. But such a thing truly does exist in this, the realm of Man, and it is the Bravely Default soundtrack. It's composed by the same guy, Revo, and much of it has the exact same flavor. There is variety in the music, so it's not all comin' at ya hot and heavy, but when it is, it's comin' at ya the hottest and the heaviest. This all culminates with the final boss theme, which is over-the-top excellent enough to keep one of the longest boss fights I've ever fought from feeling like it was being dragged out.

Yet all good things must come to an end, which is why Bravely Second, the just-as-stupidly-titled sequel, has a score composed by someone else. And while Ryo has some tasty tracks to his name, most notably some of the most celebrated Miku songs of all time, it seems unlikely that he'll be able to measure up to Bravely Default, because, honestly, I don't even know if Revo could top his own work. Bravely Default is probably my second favorite video game soundtrack of all time, and likely my favorite video game soundtrack that doesn't cheat (Sorry, Smash Bros.)

Transistor

We All Become

Transistor had good music. Was it as good as Bastion's? In my opinion, no. Was it good enough to get on a list of my favorite music of the year? Evidently, yes. It particular, I think that the instrumental tracks in Transistor aren't as memorable as Bastion's. At least, I don't think they were. I don't really remember. The vocal tracks, on the other hand, are so good that you'll (incorrectly) swear they weren't recorded in some dude's closet. It really is a testament to the talent of Supergiant Games that they can make better music with two people and a closet than some musicians can make with a million dollar studio and a name that kind of almost rhymes with “fever”. And, speaking of the people behind the soundtrack of Transistor, I'd like to talk for a bit about Darren Korb, the composer of Bastion and Transistor's soundtracks.

The thing between the muttonchops and behind the horn-rimmed glasses.

Now, that image says all you really need to know. Darren Korb looks like the stern yet ultimately kind-hearted police chief to whom #HipsterCop reports. He described the genre of Transistor's music as “Electronic old world post-rock”. Now, that's not a direct quotation, (I left my paraphrase marks in my other pants) but it was definitely something along those lines. [NOTE: I managed to find the source, and I actually got it exactly right, except the order of the words -ED]. He's in a band called Control Group that's inexplicably underground, despite containing the composer of perhaps the most beloved indie soundtrack of all time. I gave their stuff a listen, and I can't really think of any way to describe their sound other than “indie”. Except, perhaps, by saying that it is much more believable that it was recorded in some dude's closet, but in a way that I can't help but dig. Because, in the end, despite looking like the poster child of the most hated group on the internet since furries, Darren Korb is pretty damn cool, which just goes to show that you can't judge an album by its cover art.

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Super Smash Bros. For Wii U

Main Theme
Best New Remix: Cynthia's Theme
Runner Up: Dedede's Theme
Cool song that's only in the Japanese version because Japan can eat it: Ashley's Theme Ver. 2

There's really not much more to say about the Super Smash Bros. Soundtrack. If you know the words, you can join in too.

Etrian Odyssey IV

Battle Theme: Battlefield - Storm
FOE theme: The Fall of the Final Enemy
Town Theme: Day and Night

The Etrian Odyssey soundtrack is really good. Listen to that song, and keep in mind that that's the ordinary battle theme for random encounters. Now, battle music is supposed to be hype, so it's not too unusual, but towards the end, you get the sense that the composer forgot that this was for common mooks, and pulled out all the stops. And, to be fair, if a battle goes on for that long, you deserve some triumphant fanfare to get you through the day. The fact of the matter is that for the first few hours I played this game, I grinned like an idiot every time I listened to this song. And I still do. I love it.

But not every song in the game is as ridiculously hype as the battle music. For the first few dungeons, the intense battle music provides excellent contrast to the dungeon music, a serene piece that calls to mind a peaceful forest. There’s no way anything could go wrong in such a mellow melody accompanying you. And then it happens. You make one wrong move, and WHAM! You’re in a suburb of the greater FOE area, Population: 5, and rapidly declining. And the music lets you know just how badly you’re screwed, right off the bat. Of course, the tables turn once you’re hardened adventurers who have been to the foot of Yggdrasil and back; the panic in the song belongs to the beasts you hunt, as you remorselessly dismantle them as vengeance for the trouble they gave you at the start.

Now, I could go on about how fun the town theme is, or how smooth it is at night, but all you really need to know about the Etrian Odyssey IV Soundtrack is this:

The ESRB has deemed this content generally suitable for children ages 13 and up.

Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA f (& F 2nd)

Hatsune Miku: Secret Police
Rin and Len Kagamine: HachiHachi Flower Fight
Meiko: Nostalogic
Kaito: Ashes to Ashes
Megurine Luka: Glasses


I mentioned Miku in my last Top Music list, but I'mma level with you: When I wrote that, I probably knew less than a dozen Miku songs. I really liked the songs I knew, and I could get behind the concept, but I was never really motivated to look for more. But that changed when I bought a Playstation Vita just to play Persona 4 Golden, and needed to buy more games to justify the purchase. Enter Project DIVA, a rhythm game starring everyone's favorite electronic singer.

Close

Project DIVA's gameplay is simple enough. Playstation buttons fly all around the screen, and you have to press the corresponding button when it reaches the target. This is done to the rhythm of the song that is playing. It's kind of like Guitar Hero, (Does anyone remember that? I do) but with buttons coming from all over the place, instead of down a single track, and with animations in the background. It also does away with the clunky peripheral, so there's nothing between you and the rhythm, save Miku's... gyrating.

The game has 32 songs, and while most are sung by Miku, a few of the other vocaloids get in on the action. And while I used to scoff at the notion of other vocaloids, I must say, I've taken quite a shine to them. Each of the 6 has their own distinct voice, allowing some variety in the musical style. The music is also kept fresh by the breadth of composing talent. There are almost as many different composers as there are songs, with no composer having more than 2 songs to their name. This even applies to the all-stars, like Ryo (Who eventually quit the Vocaloid biz and ended up scoring a certain RPG series [This is called "aftshadowing"])

Since this is a music list, I suppose I should talk about the actual music. It's great and I love it. I concede that it's not for everyone. But if you're the type who enjoys fast, fun J-pop, well, here's a playlist with all the music. You may notice that that playlist has a lot more than 32 songs; this is because it also has music from Project DIVA F 2nd, the sequel with more songs, more sparkle, and more Satan.

There's actually another significant number. Blink, and you'll miss it.

And you know what? Since it has more, perhaps even better, songs, I think I’ll list some more of them here. IDGAF

Miku: SPiCa -39's Giving Day Edition-
Miku & Luka: Akatsuki Arrival
Luka: Luka Luka ★Night Fever
Rin: Roshin Yuukai
Len: Paradichlorobenzene
Meiko: Break it, Break it
Kaito: Cantarella -Grace Edition-

Now, it may seem unnecessarily cruel of me to keep heaping all these vocaloids on you after you thought you were done, but this is actually a kindness. I’m only mentioning F 2nd here so that I won’t have an excuse to make in an entry on my 2015 music list (Coming soon in the year 2018). Now, Project Mirai on the other hand…

The Most Punderful Time of the Year: Video Games

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for me to talk about all the things I like (as if that isn't all year). Luckily for you, my school schedule has been ensuring that such things are in rather short supply. But I did manage to play some games through all the tears. You may have noticed, since that's all I've really blogged about this year (for all the dozen times I've blogged). As such, most of these games I've already discussed, so I'll mostly just be re-writing things I've already written. and since ranking things is hard, the order is by no means meant to reflect which games are my most favorite; rather, they have been ordered so that I can use the transition "speaking of..." as many times as possible.

8. Super Smash Bros. For 3DS/Wii U

As some of my sharper readers (you'll get yours, Pinhead Larry) may have noticed, my last post, which was about Super Smash Bros, was published on the day Smash for 3DS came out. So it's not too much of a mystery why I haven't made a post since then. I've been pretty busy. With, uh, school. And stuff.

Physics

The new Smash Bros is cool. You didn't need me to say that, but I needed me to say. It's remarkably balanced compared to Brawl. Even if all the characters aren't competitively viable, they're almost all usable and fun to play as. 8 player smash often goes about as terribly as you'd expect, but it can be fun if played on the right stage. Also, I once caught five enemies in Ike's final smash, which is probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

haha whatever poetry's for nerds anyway

Speaking of new modes that I was kind of wary of going in, Smash Tour (Mario Party but in Smash) is pretty alright. The gameplay is somewhat more skill-based than in everyone's favorite friendship ending simulator, but that doesn't mean that it's any less easy to completely screw over your friends. It just saves you a trip to change the disc in your console when you inevitably have to Settle it in Smash. And while I gotta say that I'm kinda disappointed in a lot of the new stages and seeming lack of new music, (especially on the 3DS) there's always old favorites. And the all the new music they do have is really damn good. But that's a story for another post.

7. Persona 4 Arena Ultimax

Speaking of fighting games starring beloved characters from some of my favorite video games, (as well as some other characters [Yukari]) this is a game that also fits that description. Well, kind of. I've honestly only finished one Persona game as of the writing of this sentence, but it could be as many as three by the time this hits the presses. (Two, as of this revision)

I seem to remember mentioning this game in my last post, and, if memory serves, I was more than a little salty about it. Not too long after those complaints, I managed to beat Classic mode on the highest difficulty with several characters. What can I say? I'm just that good at video games. Still not good enough to remember all the controls, but baby steps.

I'm really glad that I bought P4AU, and not just because it was required to complete my Persona tarot deck, which I value somewhere between my life and my scientific calculator. It's a fun game with a lot of depth. It's not easy, but that just serves to make it more satisfying when you get a clutch counter or pull off a sick combo. (something that I'm sure I'll manage when I get back to playing it) And the One-Hit KO moves, while seemingly overpowered and game-breaking, are actually, in fact, totally overpowered and game-breaking when you're too much of a scrub to avoid them. I'm probably also too much of a scrub to hit with one, but you have to win a round to use them, and that almost never happens when I'm fighting a real opponent. But at least it's satisfying to kick a CPU into space 5 seconds into a round, or brofist with your Persona so hard that you do 10x as much damage as they have HP. Because as I Reach Out to the Truth, I firmly grasp that it's just fun as hell to destroy those who are weaker than you.

6. Persona 3 and 4

Speaking of Persona, I played Persona 3, my first real Persona game, this year. Persona 3 is arguably the first real Persona game at all, at least by the modern standards that define a Persona game. Yes, there were Personas 1 and 2, but those were... different. How different? Well, I'll turn over to Space Hitler to answer that question.

The things you fought were called demons instead of shadows.

I spoke about Persona 3 before, and most of the things that I said then are still true now. But don't worry; all those feelings of "damn, I'm going to shape up and be a better friend to the people I know" have subsided, and I'm still the same schmuck as I was before, because if there's one thing I learned from Frozen, it's that "people don't really change". If there's two things, then the other is that people who complain that "Let it Go" is over-rated really don't like being told to "Let it Go" for the 237th time. 

Persona 3 is a good game in a lot of different ways which, on their own, might not be individually impressive, but come together excellently when taken as a whole. As just an RPG, P3 doesn't stand out on its own. The Answer (The post-game story in Persona 3 FES that doesn't have social links) makes that clear enough. Similarly, if it were just the social aspects, it's easy to imagine one getting lost in the maze of relationships and losing motivation. But with both parts, you can choose your pacing however you like, and the game stays fresh. Until the full moon comes up, because you better be ready or you'll learn real quick whether or not death is a hunter unbeknownst to its prey.

SPOILER ALERT

Since I haven't finished Persona 4, it's getting lumped in with this entry. It's also getting lumped in with this entry because, despite what I said at the beginning, I actually have a lot of games to talk about, because that's what I did to escape my schoolwork.

I'm really liking Persona 4 so far, despite my questionable decision to play Persona 4 Arena Ultimax beforehand (Big shoutout to Atlus for having one of the characters meet the murderer in arcade mode and say "Hey, isn't that the guy who did all those murders in Inaba? You know, the murderer whose murders were the main plot of our game and whose identity is the biggest mystery? That very murderer") Since I haven't finished it yet, I can't really compare it much to P3 in terms of overall story or social link quality, but it seems to me like, as an RPG, Persona 4 is a significant improvement upon Persona 3. Persona fusion is more streamlined, dungeons seem less tedious, and you can give direct orders to your units. Honestly, I have pretty much finished the game by now, but I haven't the space to devote to comparing the two games. If you really want my opinion on the matter, I guess you can see me after class.

I also really like the symbolism of Persona 4. When people are forced to confront their Shadows, the shameful thoughts and feelings that they try to hide, even from themselves, they deny them. This only makes the Shadows stronger. Only by making peace with their faults and accepting themselves for who they are, flaws and all, do they grow as people and gain the power to kick fuckers into space(!) And in the end, that's what life is really all about. (the power to kick fuckers into space)

5. Persona Q

Speaking of Personas 3 and 4, we have Persona Q, the most crossed over game I have ever played. It is a crossover between Persona 3 and Persona 4, as it features characters from both games embarking on a quest to give the fans what they want. And, despite the fact that it is mentioned no where on the package or in the game, it is also a crossover between the Persona and Etrian Odyssey series. And speaking of Etrian Odyssey not being mentioned, it seems that I have never once mentioned it here, yet I seem to have memories of passionately describing its cartography RPG mechanics to a disinterested blog audience. I guess if you want more context, skip ahead to the Etrian Odyssey IV entry and come back to this.

Persona Q is an idea that first sounds like it should work on paper, then sounds like it really couldn't work after you think about it for a bit, but then ends up working pretty damn well in practice. They're both RPG's made by Atlus, so, you know, why not? But one of the notable quirks of EO is that your party isn't really made up of characters; just nameless randos with no dialogue or characterization beyond their portrait. Persona, on the other hand, is intensely character driven. Atlus does manage to reconcile the differing styles, and Persona Q is a great game, but I will say this about it: Persona Q doesn't do "Persona" as well as a real Persona game, and it doesn't do "Etrian Odyssey" as well as a real Etrian Odyssey game. Before I explain what I mean by that, I'd just like to clarify that I've actually only played one game from each of the respective series, so I'm pretty much just talking about my ass.

As I said before, the main draw (haha get it because of cards?) of Persona is the characters. Growing bonds with them and watching them develop as characters is very satisfying. Persona Q uses characters that are already known, and because of the wibbley wobbley timey wimey way that it takes place in the middle of P3 and P4, there isn't much room for character development. Most of the characters are more 2-dimensional, like caricatures of the people you know and love. But it's not as bad as all that; there's plenty of fun banter between all the characters, and there's plenty of Persona wisdom towards the end.

Sometimes the true manifestation of your inner self is a giant green phallus?

In my opinion, the main draw (haha get it because of... drawing maps?) of Etrian Odyssey is the sense of exploration. Exploring uncharted lands and discovering unknown treasures and dangers provides a thrill many other RPGs lack. Without an overworld or sub-dungeons, much of this sense of exploration was lost in Persona Q. But I must compliment Persona Q's dungeon design, which, although frustrating at times, included a lot of interesting and neat puzzles.

What I'm saying is that despite some flaws, the game is good and also the music is good. At this point, the chain of "Speaking of..." transitions splits in "Choose your own Adventure" fashion

For "Speaking of crossovers", skip to entry 4

For "Speaking of Etrian Odyssey", skip to entry 3

4. Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney

Speaking of crossovers, Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney is another great crossover game that I played this year. And while the games are so different that it's impossible to directly compare them as games, I will say that, as a crossover, PL vs. AA surpasses PQ. It is both an excellent Ace Attorney game (Maybe even one of the best) and an excellent Professor Layton game. And I have more credentials on this matter, as I've played the entire Ace Attorney series, and two games of Professor Layton. It has all the courtroom drama of an Ace Attorney game, and all the grand mystery of a Professor Layton game, as well as a level of "feels" uncommon to either series. The "witch trials", featuring magic and cross-examination of multiple witnesses at once are a fresh new take on Ace Attorney, and it's always satisfying to reduce a puzzle to a modular system of linear equations and spend 15 minutes inventing new math to solve a puzzle about pushing buttons with triangles on them.

Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney does a great job of exemplifying all the qualities of the respective series, both good and bad. It's also highly accessible for anyone who hasn't played one of the series. There aren't really any spoilers on either side, so it could make a nice introduction for someone who's played one game but not the other, or even a total newcomer. Persona Q actually did a pretty decent job in this department, with minimal spoiling of things I didn't already know (Hi, Persona 4 Arena Ultimax)

3. Etrian Odyssey IV

Speaking of Etrian Odyssey, I also played an actual Etrian Odyssey game this year, Etrian Odyssey IV. I bought it on a whim during an Atlus sale when I also bought SMT Devil Survivor: Overclocked. I kind of regretted it, since it took me so long to get around to playing it. And if I wasn't forced away from Persona 3 by a trip to visit my family, there's no telling how long that would have taken. But I did end up playing it, and I'm glad, because Etrian Odyssey IV is pretty baller.

Really baller

What really sets Etrian Odyssey apart is that you draw your own map. As you explore dungeons, you have to draw walls and the like on the bottom screen so you don't get lost. This sounds like a pain in the ass, and sometimes it is, but it really gives the sense of exploration that's rare in other games. In the beginning, at least, you're not The Chosen One on his Quest of Epic Destiny to destroy all Evil. You're not a rag-tag bunch of scrappy rebels fighting for freedom against the Evil Empire of Tyranny. You're just a couple of dudes and lady-dudes going where no one's been before, trying to figure out what's up with that big-ass tree in the distance because the Count said to. It's almost more of an explorer sim at first. And the initial lack of characters and story just makes it that much cooler when the plot starts to kick off.

Another strength of Etrian Odyssey IV is the combat system. I liked it. Each of the 8 (starting) classes has a definite role within your 5 member party, and you can customize the skills they learn and invest in to suit your strategy. Or you could just say "to Hell with strategy" and make a bunch of people who hit as hard and fast as possible. Nothing's stopping you. By the end of my playthrough damage was dealt almost exclusively by a single mage, with the rest of the party devoted to maximizing her damage and keeping everyone alive. Probably not the best strategy, but a valid one nonetheless.

Here is an anecdote of a memorable experience I had in EO IV. I was going to cut it, but my brother insisted that I not, so all culpability for this is his. I was wandering around some dungeon when I noticed that an otherwise unexceptional patch of water had a prompt to press the A button. Thinking that it might allow me to take a rest and heal or something, I pressed A, and it asked me if I wanted to catch a crayfish. Naturally, I did, so I had the first member of my party try to catch it. She was too slow, and got a nasty pinch, slightly damaging her. So I tried again with my fastest unit. Pinched. HP gone.At this point, I gave up, but when I happened upon the same spot while traveling through the same dungeon, I steeled my resolve and tried again. And again. After each of my party members, one by one, fell victim to the cruel pinch of Man's folly, one of them succeeded. The guild immediately erupted into cheers and celebration. It was a rare outburst of human emotion from characters who were really just grunts with a name and a face. But then someone asked the question: "Why did we even want it in the first place?" All at once, everyone realized that they were getting excited over nothing. The cray fish was thrown back into the water with disgust, and the adventure moved on like nothing had happened.

Also the music is like really good

2. Bravely Default

Speaking of... RPG's, I guess? Yeah, Bravely Default, whatever. The game that, earlier in the year, I said would probably be my game of the year if not for Super Smash Brothers, because I hadn't anticipated that I'd be playing so many amazing games this year. But that's not to say that it isn't an amazing game, because it really is. It's probably my favorite non-Atlus JRPG (which honestly might not be saying a whole lot). And while it does have a few setbacks, (If you refer to the part where the plot "shits the bed", almost anyone who's played the game will know what you're talking about) if Bravely Second is basically just Bravely Default, but without all the bad parts, it could easily be one of my favorite games of all time.

I believe in you, Square. You know what must be done.

I didn't have much time to talk about Bravely Default in that last post, because I was too busy talking about other games made by Atlus. Luckily, this time I- oh. Oh geez. Oh ding dang darn. Better make this a lightning round.

The thing that really stands out about Bravely Default is... well, nothing, actually, because it's just holistically good. The brave and default combat system allows you to default (guard) on one turn so that you can perform more actions on a later turn. This allows you to strategically attack and defend when the moment is right, or, more realistically, have everyone save up all their brave points to maximum and then hit as hard as you can all at once. The characters and story are interesting, (except for that one time) but in a way that I can't talk much about without spoilers. There's a thing that happens that's really, REALLY cool, but I also can't really describe it much without spoilers. You'll know it when you see it. Maybe. It also has the best use of augmented reality of any game I've ever played, which is to say that it uses augmented reality, which no other real game I've ever played did. But still, it was really cool, and I don't anticipate it being topped any time soon by anything other than maybe Bravely Second.

1. Transistor

Speaking of absolutely nothing in particular, Transistor is a game that I played and really, really liked. In fact, of all the games here, my liking of Transistor is probably the most well-documented, so I should be able to wrap this one up quickly.

One thing that I would like to add, though, is that I did play Bastion after playing Transistor, and I am now no longer so sure that I prefer the former to the latter, especially after reading a far-too-long article about some of the Philosophical Ideas in Transistor. I still think Bastion's soundtrack is substantially better, (While Transistor's was good, it was a bit of a disappointment) and the story was powerful in a way that was easy to understand, but Transistor had a much deeper combat system, once you got used to it. The bottom line is that both are excellent games and you should seriously consider playing them if you ever get the chance.

Epilogue

Basically all of the games I've played this year have been pretty great (except for one. You know the one). Guacamelee, Devil Survivor Overclocked, and Child of Light were all great games. But, as you've probably noticed from the fact that you're not reading this because you got bored and left halfway through this post, this post is too damn long as it is, so I'll just leave it at "great games"

Tune in next time, when I talk about my favorite music, most of which is going to be from these same games.

The Unnecessary Second Half of that Post that I Just Didn't Finish

Sometimes, when you land a particularly powerful KO hit on someone, there's a visual effect that kind of looks like black lightning, which is why I decided to call it black lightning. (Which it just now occurs to me sounds very much like a blaxploitation film) It doesn't add anything to the gameplay, but it's a nice touch; it makes your hypest kills just a little bit more hype, and that's really what Smash Bros. is all about. And with that in mind, I'll be dedicating the remainder of this post to all the pre-Smash fanfare that has been missing from my blog, laying out what is and is not hype about the new Smash in explicit detail.

Remember back before X and Y singlehandedly killed my interest in Pokemon? How I'd bitch about all the new Pokemon that were teased? Well, that's happening again, except with Duck Hunt Dog this time. Remember that dog in Duck Hunt who laughed at you every time you missed a shot? The one that you've probably made jokes about hating, despite having never played Duck Hunt, because what are you, old? Yeah, him. He's a playable character. Why? The only reason I can come up with is for pandering. (old) People still hate him for laughing at their every missed shot, so Nintendo's given them the opportunity to take out their rage by way of black lightning. There's really no other excuse for him to be there. If you defend him, you are wrong. Sure, he was in a popular game, but that was over a quarter of a century ago, and at no time in that game was it ever implied that he was capable of fighting. In fact, there were probably only a few dozen sprites of him, just laughing at you. I guess I shouldn't say “Duck Hunt dog”, because the ducks are also there fighting with him for some reason, because, you know, whatever, I guess. I know Smash isn't really big on continuity, but it seems like a stretch to make something happen that should not have happened.

I just hate that kind of thing.

And while I'm bitching, I might as well bring up my other major gripe with the game: the seeming return of clones. Brawl clearly made a departure from clones (fighters with nearly identical movesets, like Fox and Falco). Pichu, Roy, and Dr. Mario were axed, and characters who started as clones (Like Captain Falcon and Ganondorf) were changed to be more different. Smash 4 seems to reverse this trend with Lucina, Dr. Mario, and Dark Pit, who, as far as I can tell, are clones of Marth, Mario, and Pit, respectively. I haven't actually played the game yet, so I don't know how closely these clones resemble their counterparts, but it seems to me like they could all be alternate skins for other characters (more on that in a bit). Hell, Lucina (SPOILERS AHEAD) literally takes the name “Marth” when you first meet her, so it's not that much of a stretch? So why is she in the game? One conjecture I heard was that she was included so there'd be more female fighters. I don't like that idea. I realize that sounds like it was written from the top of a literal mountain of privilege, and maybe it was. I'm not saying that video games shouldn't make an effort to be more inclusive of everyone, but I do think that there are better ways of going about it. If they really wanted a female character from Fire Emblem, there are better options available.

I'm a slasher... of prices

Anna's the only character who's been in every Fire Emblem game since the beginning,  and she just made her debut as a playable character in Awakening, so she's a natural choice.

Anyway, that's quite enough negativity. I'm still more hyped for Smash 4 than I have been for any game since Brawl, despite the fact that, when I really think about it, there are only two characters that I'm really excited to play: Robin and Rosalina (& Luma). Robin, because Fire Emblem Awakening is one of my favorite games of all time, and Rosalina, because I've always been a big fan of The Bard.

A reference all the way back to my first post. No, not that one. No, not the one titled "First Post!", either. Yeah, that one!

You know, I thought that leaving that cliffhanger in my previous post would motivate me to finish this one as soon as possible, but in a much more real way, I knew for absolute sure that it wouldn't. The fact of the matter is that I have nothing to say about Smash that you don't already know. It's cool. Really cool. Cooler than superfluid Helium. Cooler than a quantum refrigerator. Perhaps even cool enough to help me recover from the traumatic feels incurred from reading Brawl in The Family's concluding strip.

"I'm gonna get you, feelings"

But, as cool as it is, it's not the only fighting game happening these days. Just three days before the release of Smash, I picked up Persona 4 Ultimax. I mean, I'm a fan of the Persona series now, so the tarot card deck pre-order bonus was awfully appealing. And I reasoned that if I could get good at Skullgirls, then surely other fighting games would be within my reach. I have never been more wrong in my entire life.

And I once liked Pokemon Mystery dungeon.

P4U is a lot like the ocean: it's pretty cool, but there is just too goddamn much of it. While its roster isn't nearly as big as Smash's, each character in Smash has maybe a bit more than 20 moves. In P4U, each character has a hell of a lot more moves than I care to count. There's weak attacks, strong attacks, weak Persona attacks, strong persona attacks, 2 versions of each special attack, plus charged versions, furious attacks, sweeps, one-hit kills, throws, bursts, skills, Awakened skills, shadow frenzies, and God knows what else.

Don't drag me into this. I don't know what those kids are up to these days.

I wouldn't say that it's bad, or that it's not fun, but it's deep enough that learning how to really play is a serious investment. I could probably get pretty good if I had enough time, but between school and Smash Bros., I don't really. But at least I have half a deck of tarot cards, so there's that. And, speaking of not having enough time, Smash bros. happens in just a few hours, and I should really put this out before that happens. So, until I'm done with Smash Bros, (never) this is Havoc Mantis, signing off.

Summer was Ending when I started this, alright?

Summer's ending, and you know what that means; The Earth is moving away from its orbital aphelion and towards its perihelion, where the Northern Hemisphere is pointed away from the Sun. But, more importantly, I have to personally go to some collection of buildings to listen to people talk and write things on papers for several hours almost every day, learning confusing new words like "aphelion" and "perihelion". So, in a feeble attempt to avoid the fact that I'm taking way more math and physics than I can handle, I'm going to reminisce about summer. The good days. Not the ones I spent crying in the corner about quantum mechanics.

So, what did I do over the summer? Well, besides probably disappointing the physics lab professor and making jokes about my brother being in space, Persona 3, mostly. So how did I like it? Enough that I'm considering buying all 4 Persona games being released over the next few months, as well as a Vita pretty much just for the ability to play the enhanced version of Persona 4.

If only there were another way...

Persona 3 is the kind of game that makes me almost wish I had friends. In contrast to the mainline Shin Megami Tensei games, which teach lessons like “If your friends have different beliefs from you, you should kill them”, Persona is all about friendship. Part high school sim, and part dungeon-crawler RPG, you spend your days hanging out with friends and developing social links, and you spend your nights fighting monsters called Shadows. So kind of like Batman, but with prettier hair. I actually first made that comparison in jest, but when you take into account the dead parents, the fact that persona are often likened to masks, and how he can gain his power from Lucifer, (I, uh, don't actually read that much Batman) the similarities are more striking than Kenpachi Ramasama's piercing grey eyes.

Huh? Was I saying something? I lost my train of thought

More than just being fun, Persona 3 is the kind of game that can change the way you see your friends, yourself, the full moon, robots with feelings, and the inevitability of Death. And at just $4 at the time that I got it, it's probably the best value of anything I have ever purchased in my life. And I bought Skullgirls for $10.

I REMAIN making dumb references no one will get.

Despite my insistence at the beginning that I would be speaking of good days, I guess I'll make the natural progression to talking about Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne (SMT 3). But maybe I'm being too harsh on it. I certainly wouldn't say that Nocturne is a bad game. In fact, I'd say that it's a great game, if it weren't for all the times while playing it that I found myself thinking “Wow, this is literally bad game design.”

Someone call my name?

See that asshole up there? That's the Matador. But he should be called the mad-ador, because that's exactly what you'll be when you're fighting him for the third time after two hours of grinding. He just shows up out of nowhere early on the game, maximizes his evasion, sharply lowers your party's defense, and just goes to town on your party. The town is Painville, Hell; population: 4, and rapidly declining. And the worst part is that he totally hustles you, and he's far from the only boss in the game to do it. For the first half, they toy with you, using attacks that you can resist so you think that you have a chance, but once it's game time for real, all your people get stabbed over and over and over until none of the remain to be stabbed. I had more trouble with the Matador, the first fiend in the game, (of 10 that you have to fight to get the coolguy demon ending) than I had with Lucifer, actual King of the Demons, who takes 25% from all kinds of attacks, (including almighty attacks, the element whose entire point is that no one resists it) and has as much HP as they could fit into 2 bytes.

Besides the frustrating bosses, the game had dungeons that I'll admit were cleverly designed, but only begrudgingly. Because, as cool as some of the things were, spending 2 hours wandering a dungeon because you have no idea where to go next is very much uncool. Just ask those (totally hypothetical) kids that I totally implied that I chained to chairs in my basement a few posts back.

The one that got away NOTE: DON'T PUBLISH THIS

But that's all in the past, now. What really matters is the future. And there's only one thing in the future that matters right now: Super Smash Brothers. And while the demo might be available to the public by the time I actually finish this, (hell, the game might be out for the Wii U by the time I finish this) I would like the record to show that I got a totally legitimate early demo for being a platinum member of Club Nintendo. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of a big deal.

inb4 "You're a real pizza. Pizza SHIT"

Of course, as I said, by the time this reaches the presses, most of you will probably have had an opportunity to play the demo for yourself. Not to mention the fact that the game's out in Japan already, and there are plenty of people sharing details about that. Regardless, this Smash demo is just about the only thing I've got going for me, and I intend to milk it for all it's worth, and then some. And of course, by the time I get around to writing this very next sentence, the demo's already upon us. So, now that you have the opportunity, do yourself a favor and find a friend to play Smash Potato with right now. What's Smash Potato? Well, Smash Potato is when two people face off, both playing as the Murdere- er, Villager. They are only allowed to use two moves: His down B, where he plants a tree, waters it, and chops it down, and his regular B, which allows him to pocket just about anything, including trees. What follows is an intense game of timing, strategy, and throwing trees at your friends, where even a single slip-up can result in a spectacular black lightning death. What's black lightning, you ask? Well, I feel like this post is disjointed enough as it is, so I think I'll leave this as a cliffhanger for my next post, if for no other reason than to motivate me to finish it sooner.. So, as my physics professor would say, you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out. Or you could just play the demo.

6 Mindblowing Baffles You Didn't Know about Light! (That aren't Properly Cited!)

As funny, knowledgeable, and delusional as I am, it should come as no surprise that people come to me all the time and tell me that I should write professionally. One day, I took their suggestions to heart, and  headed on down to the Cracked Writers Workshop to pitch an article. My pitch made it pretty far in the editorial process, until the Editor-in-Chief himself pointed out that science articles on Cracked are more lists of neat magic tricks with science than they are lectures on advanced physics that the author only barely understands. With my dreams thoroughly crushed, I figured I'd sweep the fragments over into my blog, the dustbin of my creative ambitions. Here's what the article I almost wrote for Cracked would have looked like (before they edited it into being, you know, good).

6 Crazy Things You (Probably?) Didn't Know About Light

If we here at [Havoc Mantis' one-man blog] know one thing, it's that the universe is weird. Really weird. Every day, scientists are discovering new things about seemingly unexplainable mysteries like gravity, magnetism, and people who pay for porn. But of all the crazy things in this crazy universe that we call home, light just might be the craziest. Here's why:


6. Moving at the speed of light requires infinite energy

It's pretty common knowledge that nothing can move faster than light. But if you think about it from the perspective of classical physics, it doesn't make any sense for there to be a universal speed limit. In classical mechanics, pushing on an object causes it to gain kinetic energy, which is related to its velocity by the equation KE = (1/2)mv^2. If you push something hard enough, and for long enough, you can give it as much kinetic energy as you want. And since velocity squared is directly proportional to kinetic energy, this should mean that you can make the object go as fast as you want, with no limits.

But the equation KE = (1/2)mv^2 is kind of like the physics equivalent of the Christopher Columbus story that they told you in elementary school: a convenient lie told to hide the horrific truth. What in physics could possibly be as horrific as genocide and enslavement? Well, say hello to the relativistic equation for kinetic energy.

This, uh, actually still doesn't really quite measure up to genocide, if I'm being honest.

To see why this prevents objects from going at the speed of light, try plugging in c, the speed of light, for v, the velocity.  The part on the bottom of the fraction becomes 0, which means that you end up dividing by zero. And one of the most fundamental rules of physics is that you never divide by zero. The technical physics term for dividing by zero is a "catastrophe", and I'm not even sure I'm joking about that. If you start plugging in values for the kinetic energy, and solving for velocity, you'll find that no matter how high the kinetic energy is, as long as it is finite, the corresponding velocity is always less than c. So, to reach c, you need an amount of energy that is not finite. Infinite, you could even say.

5. It always moves impossibly fast

Nothing can go faster than light, so it's a good thing that it's pretty damn fast, with a blistering top speed of 299,792,458 meters per second. (about 670 million miles per hour). But that's not just light's top speed. It's also its only speed. To really understand what this means, and why it's so crazy, you have to know a little bit about relativity. But don't worry; you won't need any math beyond addition and subtraction to understand this.

Suppose you're outside in the park on a lovely summer day. I know that this might be a bit of a stretch for some of my readers, but please bear with me. Amidst of the peaceful chirping of birds and the wonderful aroma of budding flowers, you are suddenly and viciously kicked in the 'nads (lady-nads?). The perpetrator then sprints away from you at 10 miles per hour. You are still recovering from the surprise groin kick you just received, so you are unable to give chase for a few seconds (or maybe a few minutes, no one's judging.) During this time, the assailant is moving at 10 miles per hour, relative to you. After you recover for a bit, you run after him at 3 miles per hour. Now, he is moving at 7 miles per hour relative to you, because velocities add and subtract exactly how you expect them to. This is Galilean relativity, a fundamental rule of the universe.

But light doesn't play by the universe's rules. The universe plays by light's rules, and light is like that annoying neighbor who plays Monopoly with weird house rules that screw everyone else over. But instead of only insisting that there's a cash prize for landing on Free Parking when he lands on it, light makes us play by the rules of Special Relativity. In special relativity, adding velocities is much more difficult, and the rules are carefully arranged so that nothing can go faster than light, and light always goes the same speed from every reference frame. This means that if a man made of light ever kicks you in the nuts, then you're shit out of luck. Even if you can instantaneously accelerate to 0.8c (80% of the speed of light), and then fire a bullet at a 0.8c relative to you. According to Galilean Relativity, he should move away from you at 0.2c, and the bullet should move towards him at 0.6c, because 0.8c + 0.8c – c = 0.6c. But according to Special Relativity, the light man moves away from both you and the bullet at exactly c, utterly disregarding the relative motion between the two.  Even if you run away from him, while Galilean relativity says that he should be moving at 1.8c away from you, special relativity ensures that he always moves at exactly c. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't make an enemy of a man made of light.

"I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine", indeed

4. It doesn't experience Time or Space

Galilean Relativity says that all velocities are relative, with no one frame of reference that is absolutely correct. Special Relativity goes a step further, saying that time and space themselves are relative, with no absolutely correct frame of reference. So, while a clock may take 1 second to tick in one frame of reference, it could take 2 seconds to tick from a different frame of reference, and they're both equally correct. Similarly, a meterstick can appear to have a length of half a meter if viewed while going fast enough. Surprisingly, scientists say that this has nothing to do with why a single Monday seems to last longer than an entire weekend.

This phenomenon is still being investigated by top minds in the field.

These phenomena are called time dilation and length contraction, and they're entirely dependent on how fast you're going. When you go faster, external events seem to happen more quickly, and distances seem shorter. As you approach the speed of light, the time for external events to happen approaches 0, and distances also approach 0. So, the next time someone tells you that the light from distant stars is millions of years old, tell them that that's only true from your perspective. From the perspective of the light, it took less time than it took for you to stop reading this for being too boring, and the distance was less than the distance you had to move your mouse over to click over to a porn tab.

3. It's just a wiggle of electricity

When I say “Electromagnetic Radiation”, what's the first thing you think of? Concrete pillars that belch billowing clouds of steam? Devastating weapons with the power to level entire cities? Spider bites with improbably beneficial side effects? Well, in reality, Electromagnetic radiation is just the scientific name for light, including not just the visible spectrum, but infrared, ultraviolet, X-rays, and so on. Electromagnetic radiation is made of waves, and to understand these waves you must understand electric fields.

Piece of cake, right?

Every charged particle exerts an attractive or repulsive electrical force on every other charged particle, much like how all massive particles exert a gravitational force on one another. This force is described by an electric field that is emitted by the particle. When the particle moves, the electric field also moves. BUT, no information can travel faster than light, so the change in the electric field propagates at the speed of light, causing it to bend. If a charged particle were to oscillate, or wiggle back and forth, it would cause the electric field to similarly wiggle up and down, like wave. When the electric field changes, it induces an accompanying magnetic field that is perpendicular to the electric field. This wiggle of electric and magnetic fields is what makes up electromagnetic radiation, all of the light that we see and don't see. And now is the time when you can feel free to admit that you have no idea what I'm saying, because I'm honestly only about 60% sure that what I'm saying makes any sense. But I'm about 90% sure that it's really cool, and I like those odds.

2. Except it's actually a particle

The only problem with the above description of light is that light is a particle, called a photon. And if it's a particle, then it clearly doesn't make any sense that it could also be a wave, right? But this is where we get into the dangerous realm of quantum mechanics, and the first rule of quantum mechanics is that if something makes sense, it isn't true. So light can be a particle and a wave at the same time, and this property is called particle-wave duality. And since I said all that stuff earlier about it being impossible for a massive particle to move at the speed of light, it must follow that photons have no mass. So if you try to use the earlier formula to calculate the energy of a photon, something weird happens. The mass is 0, so you have a 0 on the top, and it's going at light speed, so you also have a 0 on the bottom, giving you 0/0. 0/0 is one of the strangest expressions in all of math, because it can be any number. To see why this is the case, consider the definition of division.

If you have some number c = a/b, then c is the number such that b*c=a. The quotient is something that, when multiplied by the bottom number, gets the top number. So 0/0 is a number that, when multiplied by 0, gets 0. You may recognize this as every number ever. To find the actual value, you have to do some neat tricks with limits, but this isn't the place to talk about that. What's important now is that this only happens if the photon is traveling at the speed of light. If you were to somehow slow down a photon to below the speed of light, (like if it were to, I don't know, pause to kick someone in the balls?) then the energy just becomes 0, and the photon ceases to exist. This means that light will die if it ever slows down; for this reason, scientists call light “The sharks of the air”.

As illustrated by XKCD

1. The wave and particle descriptions seem to disagree

Suppose you have a photon gun; not a very useful weapon, but great for demonstrating how weird light is. Let's say you set it to fire at a frequency of 1 photon per second. Thanks to wave-particle duality, this means that it is also firing a wave of light. It seems reasonable to think that the frequency of the wave, or how many times it wiggles up and down in one second, would be the same: 1 wiggle per second. Even if this is not the case, it should be obvious that they are dependent on one another; increasing the rate at which the photon gun fires should make the wave wiggle up and down faster. Similarly, increasing the amount of energy per photon should increase the amplitude of the wave, or how big it is. After all, in classical mechanics, the energy of a wave is determined by its amplitude. It's just common sense.

Thomas Paine: Brilliant political theorist, terrible quantum physicist

And that's quantum mechanics' cue to come crashing in like a particularly unKool-Aid man and explain why everything that makes sense is wrong. It turns out that those correlations are actually reversed. Increasing the energy per photon will increase the frequency of the wave, and increasing the number of photons per second will increase the amplitude of the wave. So the frequency of the photons is the amplitude of the wave, and the "amplitude" of the photons is the frequency of the wave. Now I need you to act really surprised and amazed by this, because when I told all my physics friends, the general response was a resounding "Yeah? So what?"

Conclusion

I can only hope that you learned as much from this experience as I did. While you may have learned a thing or two about light, the universe, and how bad I am at explaining these things, I definitely learned that it was a good idea for me to not write about science on my blog for a year and a half. I think I'll probably just go back to doing that.

Postgame: E3 Predilections

If you were wondering why I haven't yet written a follow-up to my pre-E3 post, then you can fill the second half of this sentence with want, and it'll still be true. I could fill a graveyard with all the drafts I've started trying to make such a post, but I've been told I shouldn't do that anymore, so I won't. So, instead of doing that, I'm going to cannibalize some of the parts and stitch them up together with my inevitable post about the Summer Steam Sale to create a Frankenstein's Monster of a blog post. But not like the original Monster, who was eloquent and philosophical, but the more familiar one, who's more known for moaning and shambling.This abomination will begin as soon as I finish hooking up my computer to a lightning-rod and practicing shouting "It's Alive!"

*ahem*

It now occurs to me that I wrote the entirety of my previous post on E3 without actually explaining what E3 is. E3 is the Electronic Entertainment Expo, a yearly event where a bunch of video game developers meet up with a bunch of video game players to talk about video games. It's kind of like Comic-con, but with video games, instead of comics. And, much like Comic-con, it's moving away from its original focus, (video games, in this case) and towards a bunch of crap that no one cares about. (things that video game consoles can do other than video games, in this case)

Like dying, for example

Another fun fact about E3: It happened, like, a week ago, [hahahahahAHAHAHAHAHA -Future Thomas] and you already know everything about it that you care to know. But I'll recap Nintendo's stuff (i.e. everything about it that you care to know) anyway, because I don't have anything better to do on my morning commute.

Super Smash Brothers is the coal that keeps the Nintendo Hype train rolling. Nintendo understandably made it the centerpiece of their E3 showing, and it paid off. A concrete release date for the 3DS game was established, three new fighters were revealed, and demos of the game were available at E3, and at Best Buy locations across America. The release date is once again of particular importance, because it's October 3rd, almost two weeks past what even the most pedantic people (hi!) will consider the last day of summer, the alleged season of Smash Bros' release. So Nintendo lied to us. At least it's all uphill from here.

If you've ever speculated on what new fighters might be included in the new Smash Bros, you've probably considered the possibility of letting players fight as their Mii. Shortly afterwards, you probably considered that possibility to be stupid. Yet the very first move of Nintendo's Digital Event was to announce that very thing. And like every previous fighter that I initially doubted, the video changed my mind. The inclusion of Miis allows just about any character, real or fictional, to join the fray. The possibilities are endless.

This is an actual screencap from Nintendo's Digital Event.

The second fighter to be announced was Palutena, the goddess of the Kid Icarus games. I never played them. People are saying it's cool that Smash Bros. has so many female characters for a fighting game. As a Skullgirls player, I think that's kind of cute.

The final fighter that they revealed was Pacman. Like the Wii Fit trainer, Greninja, and Mii Fighter before him, I didn't like the idea of Pacman being in the game at first. Unlike those other guys, I still don't. Maybe it's because "eating" is his entire skillset, which doesn't really lend itself to a diverse moveset. Maybe it's because it's been more than a decade since anyone's ever actually had fun playing Pacman. Maybe it's because his trailer seems to imply that yellow is a primary color, a falsehood that I am willing to pick fights with little children over. Let's move on before you have time to realize that last bit wasn't even a joke.

Speaking of Smash Bros. news that I don't much care about, Nintendo is making Skylanders figures of Nintendo characters and calling them "Amiibo". No, I have no idea what "Amiibo" is supposed to mean, either. Did someone miss the g key on their keyboard and just think "eh, good enough"? Anyway, in Super Smash Brothers, Amiibo will contain AI fighters than can train and learn and fight. They'll be compatible with other games, like Mario Kart 8, but details are unknown at this point. It seems like a pretty cool idea, and one that could make Nintendo a lot of money, but am I personally interested in it? The answer to this question is the same as the answer to the question "Is there a Rosalina Amiibo?"

And continuing with Smash Bros: since the announcement of Pac-man, this image has been circulating around the internet

[had been circulating - Future Thomas]

usually with some caption like "If you told me as a kid in the 90's that all these characters would be in one game, I would have told you to eat your entire scrotum in world record time and not even call Guinness to verify it."

Now, disregarding the fact that Mega-man and Pac-man are made by the same company, and how much of a sassy-ass you apparently were as a kid, that's not what I'd say about E3 to my past self. I'd say "Hey, you know Mario, right? He's that man in video games who jumps. So often that one might even call him a 'Jump Man'" "Yeah?" my past self responds, visibly distressed over the fact that I go insane in the not too distant future. "Well imagine if they made a Mario game, but without Mario, and also without jumping." "What!?" my past self cries in disbelief, "That would be like if they made a Legend of Zelda game without Link, and also without sexually confusing green clothing!" "Yeah", I respond, visibly distressed over the fact that I had already gone insane in the distant past. Then, I climb back in my time machine and head to the present to describe this scenario that is completely hypothetical, because I absolutely do not have a functioning time machine. [Definitely - Future Thomas] Because guess what? That happened. The bit about making a Mario game without Mario, not the time travel bit. It's called "Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker", and it is born of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's rage and the twisted humor of Karmic Destiny. It is bad and I do not like it.

Nintendo had other things at the show, like Yoshi's Wooly World, a sequel to Kirby's Canvas Curse for Wii U, a bit about a new Zelda, and Reggie saying he'd kick someone's ass, but that's all old hat. Now it's time to talk about the Steam Sale, and I'll describe all the cool games you should buy now that they're a (improper) fraction of the price they were a few days ago.

Guacamelee! is an incredible game that I didn't actually get during the sale. I got it in a Humble Bundle awhile back, and only played it recently so I could get trading cards to sell for chump change. Scientists believe that this is a symptom of a rare condition called "being pretty much the worst ever." But I'm glad I did play it, because Guacamelee! is incredible. It's fun, there's a bunch of dumb references, it has great music, and it's just all around great. It's also pretty short, maybe 6 or 7 hours to beat the game, but this might be a blessing in disguise, as I'd probably play this game for the rest of my life if it let me.

So, what great games did I actually buy from the sale? Well. Um. About that. You see, I managed to play a rather clever trick on myself during the sale: by playing good games while I was buying games, I managed to convince myself that I was buying good games. But, in reality, while I was playing Guacamelee!, Gunpoint, and Transistor, I was buying Don't Starve, Bioshock, and Brothers. I don't really mean to imply that any of those games aren't good, but they just aren't really my cup of genre. Don't Starve is basically like Animal Crossing, but far more forgiving, as the sweet release of death eventually comes to set you free. I'm sure Bioshock is a great game, but I'm not really a fan of shooters, and playing against non-human opponents only makes me feel less justified in getting wrecked. Brothers was a neat little experience, but it was perhaps more "little" than "neat". The idea of a single player co-op game is certainly innovative, and it did lead to some cool moments, both mechanically and emotionally, but it certainly isn't enough to justify a $15 price tag. The gameplay was so basic that I could have done titrations with it, and the story wasn't really anything groundbreaking, but I don't think I regret spending $3 on the experience. (a word which fits it much better than "game") If you're a fan of games that are "oh ho ho so artsy", this one does it better than some out there, so you might want to check it out if it's deep on sale.

So, does that mean that I hate all the games I bought? Not quite. My favorite game that I bought during the sale (That I've played so far, at least) would have to be Battleblock Theater. It's pretty much a PC version of LittleBigPlanet, made by the same people who made Castle Crashers. Except only two people can play cooperatively at once, instead of sackboys, you play as blocky prisoner-friends, and instead of the refined yet whimsical voice of Stephen Fry, the game is narrated by the kid in your class who always shouted things that weren't really funny, but got you to laugh anyway. It also has a much bigger focus on cooperation. 2-player levels are altered to require players to work together to win, which is fun if you have a competent enough partner.(fortunately, my partner for this game was much better than for the last co-op game I played) Throw in a soundtrack that's way better than it has any right being, and you have a quirky, enjoyable platformer that's worth a few bucks, at least.

Lastly, Child of Light is a fairy tale RPG painted in water colors and written entirely in verse. That last bit intrigued me, but now that I'm playing it, I'd say that "verse" is a bit generous to describe this game's writing. Most of it rhymes, sure, but there's often little sense of rhythm. Lines will change syllable number and emphasis all over the place. And don't even get me started on all the half-rhymes. To be fair, this is entirely understandable, because writing a game entirely in consistent meter and rhyme is insane, but it's still a little disappointing. I came for the rhymes, but I stayed for the combat system. The combat combines real time and turn based combat in a way that requires finesse and strategic thinking to master. Unless the enemies are spaced out just perfectly to interrupt all your attacks, allowing them to donk your whole team while you can do nothing but watch in horror. It's fun when it works, but I don't think I've ever played another game so capable of taking me from "serene" to "frothing, seething rage" in such a short amount of time. I was kind of on the fence about this one for a bit, but I'm currently leaning more towards liking it. If nothing else, the soundtrack is beautiful, so at least there's that.

Well, that's it. Those are the things I had to say. And now I've said them. So, if you'll please excuse me, I have some games to go play.