Postgame: E3 Predilections

If you were wondering why I haven't yet written a follow-up to my pre-E3 post, then you can fill the second half of this sentence with want, and it'll still be true. I could fill a graveyard with all the drafts I've started trying to make such a post, but I've been told I shouldn't do that anymore, so I won't. So, instead of doing that, I'm going to cannibalize some of the parts and stitch them up together with my inevitable post about the Summer Steam Sale to create a Frankenstein's Monster of a blog post. But not like the original Monster, who was eloquent and philosophical, but the more familiar one, who's more known for moaning and shambling.This abomination will begin as soon as I finish hooking up my computer to a lightning-rod and practicing shouting "It's Alive!"

*ahem*

It now occurs to me that I wrote the entirety of my previous post on E3 without actually explaining what E3 is. E3 is the Electronic Entertainment Expo, a yearly event where a bunch of video game developers meet up with a bunch of video game players to talk about video games. It's kind of like Comic-con, but with video games, instead of comics. And, much like Comic-con, it's moving away from its original focus, (video games, in this case) and towards a bunch of crap that no one cares about. (things that video game consoles can do other than video games, in this case)

Like dying, for example

Another fun fact about E3: It happened, like, a week ago, [hahahahahAHAHAHAHAHA -Future Thomas] and you already know everything about it that you care to know. But I'll recap Nintendo's stuff (i.e. everything about it that you care to know) anyway, because I don't have anything better to do on my morning commute.

Super Smash Brothers is the coal that keeps the Nintendo Hype train rolling. Nintendo understandably made it the centerpiece of their E3 showing, and it paid off. A concrete release date for the 3DS game was established, three new fighters were revealed, and demos of the game were available at E3, and at Best Buy locations across America. The release date is once again of particular importance, because it's October 3rd, almost two weeks past what even the most pedantic people (hi!) will consider the last day of summer, the alleged season of Smash Bros' release. So Nintendo lied to us. At least it's all uphill from here.

If you've ever speculated on what new fighters might be included in the new Smash Bros, you've probably considered the possibility of letting players fight as their Mii. Shortly afterwards, you probably considered that possibility to be stupid. Yet the very first move of Nintendo's Digital Event was to announce that very thing. And like every previous fighter that I initially doubted, the video changed my mind. The inclusion of Miis allows just about any character, real or fictional, to join the fray. The possibilities are endless.

This is an actual screencap from Nintendo's Digital Event.

The second fighter to be announced was Palutena, the goddess of the Kid Icarus games. I never played them. People are saying it's cool that Smash Bros. has so many female characters for a fighting game. As a Skullgirls player, I think that's kind of cute.

The final fighter that they revealed was Pacman. Like the Wii Fit trainer, Greninja, and Mii Fighter before him, I didn't like the idea of Pacman being in the game at first. Unlike those other guys, I still don't. Maybe it's because "eating" is his entire skillset, which doesn't really lend itself to a diverse moveset. Maybe it's because it's been more than a decade since anyone's ever actually had fun playing Pacman. Maybe it's because his trailer seems to imply that yellow is a primary color, a falsehood that I am willing to pick fights with little children over. Let's move on before you have time to realize that last bit wasn't even a joke.

Speaking of Smash Bros. news that I don't much care about, Nintendo is making Skylanders figures of Nintendo characters and calling them "Amiibo". No, I have no idea what "Amiibo" is supposed to mean, either. Did someone miss the g key on their keyboard and just think "eh, good enough"? Anyway, in Super Smash Brothers, Amiibo will contain AI fighters than can train and learn and fight. They'll be compatible with other games, like Mario Kart 8, but details are unknown at this point. It seems like a pretty cool idea, and one that could make Nintendo a lot of money, but am I personally interested in it? The answer to this question is the same as the answer to the question "Is there a Rosalina Amiibo?"

And continuing with Smash Bros: since the announcement of Pac-man, this image has been circulating around the internet

[had been circulating - Future Thomas]

usually with some caption like "If you told me as a kid in the 90's that all these characters would be in one game, I would have told you to eat your entire scrotum in world record time and not even call Guinness to verify it."

Now, disregarding the fact that Mega-man and Pac-man are made by the same company, and how much of a sassy-ass you apparently were as a kid, that's not what I'd say about E3 to my past self. I'd say "Hey, you know Mario, right? He's that man in video games who jumps. So often that one might even call him a 'Jump Man'" "Yeah?" my past self responds, visibly distressed over the fact that I go insane in the not too distant future. "Well imagine if they made a Mario game, but without Mario, and also without jumping." "What!?" my past self cries in disbelief, "That would be like if they made a Legend of Zelda game without Link, and also without sexually confusing green clothing!" "Yeah", I respond, visibly distressed over the fact that I had already gone insane in the distant past. Then, I climb back in my time machine and head to the present to describe this scenario that is completely hypothetical, because I absolutely do not have a functioning time machine. [Definitely - Future Thomas] Because guess what? That happened. The bit about making a Mario game without Mario, not the time travel bit. It's called "Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker", and it is born of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's rage and the twisted humor of Karmic Destiny. It is bad and I do not like it.

Nintendo had other things at the show, like Yoshi's Wooly World, a sequel to Kirby's Canvas Curse for Wii U, a bit about a new Zelda, and Reggie saying he'd kick someone's ass, but that's all old hat. Now it's time to talk about the Steam Sale, and I'll describe all the cool games you should buy now that they're a (improper) fraction of the price they were a few days ago.

Guacamelee! is an incredible game that I didn't actually get during the sale. I got it in a Humble Bundle awhile back, and only played it recently so I could get trading cards to sell for chump change. Scientists believe that this is a symptom of a rare condition called "being pretty much the worst ever." But I'm glad I did play it, because Guacamelee! is incredible. It's fun, there's a bunch of dumb references, it has great music, and it's just all around great. It's also pretty short, maybe 6 or 7 hours to beat the game, but this might be a blessing in disguise, as I'd probably play this game for the rest of my life if it let me.

So, what great games did I actually buy from the sale? Well. Um. About that. You see, I managed to play a rather clever trick on myself during the sale: by playing good games while I was buying games, I managed to convince myself that I was buying good games. But, in reality, while I was playing Guacamelee!, Gunpoint, and Transistor, I was buying Don't Starve, Bioshock, and Brothers. I don't really mean to imply that any of those games aren't good, but they just aren't really my cup of genre. Don't Starve is basically like Animal Crossing, but far more forgiving, as the sweet release of death eventually comes to set you free. I'm sure Bioshock is a great game, but I'm not really a fan of shooters, and playing against non-human opponents only makes me feel less justified in getting wrecked. Brothers was a neat little experience, but it was perhaps more "little" than "neat". The idea of a single player co-op game is certainly innovative, and it did lead to some cool moments, both mechanically and emotionally, but it certainly isn't enough to justify a $15 price tag. The gameplay was so basic that I could have done titrations with it, and the story wasn't really anything groundbreaking, but I don't think I regret spending $3 on the experience. (a word which fits it much better than "game") If you're a fan of games that are "oh ho ho so artsy", this one does it better than some out there, so you might want to check it out if it's deep on sale.

So, does that mean that I hate all the games I bought? Not quite. My favorite game that I bought during the sale (That I've played so far, at least) would have to be Battleblock Theater. It's pretty much a PC version of LittleBigPlanet, made by the same people who made Castle Crashers. Except only two people can play cooperatively at once, instead of sackboys, you play as blocky prisoner-friends, and instead of the refined yet whimsical voice of Stephen Fry, the game is narrated by the kid in your class who always shouted things that weren't really funny, but got you to laugh anyway. It also has a much bigger focus on cooperation. 2-player levels are altered to require players to work together to win, which is fun if you have a competent enough partner.(fortunately, my partner for this game was much better than for the last co-op game I played) Throw in a soundtrack that's way better than it has any right being, and you have a quirky, enjoyable platformer that's worth a few bucks, at least.

Lastly, Child of Light is a fairy tale RPG painted in water colors and written entirely in verse. That last bit intrigued me, but now that I'm playing it, I'd say that "verse" is a bit generous to describe this game's writing. Most of it rhymes, sure, but there's often little sense of rhythm. Lines will change syllable number and emphasis all over the place. And don't even get me started on all the half-rhymes. To be fair, this is entirely understandable, because writing a game entirely in consistent meter and rhyme is insane, but it's still a little disappointing. I came for the rhymes, but I stayed for the combat system. The combat combines real time and turn based combat in a way that requires finesse and strategic thinking to master. Unless the enemies are spaced out just perfectly to interrupt all your attacks, allowing them to donk your whole team while you can do nothing but watch in horror. It's fun when it works, but I don't think I've ever played another game so capable of taking me from "serene" to "frothing, seething rage" in such a short amount of time. I was kind of on the fence about this one for a bit, but I'm currently leaning more towards liking it. If nothing else, the soundtrack is beautiful, so at least there's that.

Well, that's it. Those are the things I had to say. And now I've said them. So, if you'll please excuse me, I have some games to go play.

Pregame: E3 Predictions

So. My predictions for E3? I predict that E3 will cause me to feel bitter and out of touch with the modern games industry, as well as make me feel as though I've betrayed the promise I made to myself that this wouldn't devolve into a “gamer blog”. Of course, you don't really care about that, nor do you much care about what I think will be announced at E3, so I won't discuss that, either. I also can't imagine that you much care about what I hope to be announced at E3. Unfortunately for you, that is exactly what I intend to discuss.

I'm a mostly reformed Nintendo fanboy, but I'd say that Super Smash Bros. is what stops that “mostly” from slipping into an “entirely”. I may love Skullgirls more than I've ever loved a person, but Super Smash Bros. Brawl is still my favorite fighting game of all time. I even temporarily lift the middle school memory-lock (don't lie; you have one, too) to fondly reminisce about how I checked the Smash Bros Dojo website every morning for months leading up to the game's release. It remains one of my top three games of all time, and its soundtrack is similarly ranked. Listening to the Brawl soundtrack was something of a musical puberty for me, and I'm now going to move on before I wise up and decide that that is something too gross to go on record.

So, what kind of Smash news do I hope for? Well, if I can manage to get myself to a Best Buy, I might be able to learn how it actually plays, which would certainly be neat. A concrete release date would also be appreciated; I'd like to know as soon as possible how long my brother will be stranded on the moon without being able to play Smash bros. New characters are always big announcements, but there are a few other things I'd like to know about, like if there will be a story mode similar to Subspace Emissary, whether or not they've bothered to make a proper level editor on this one, and if there's any reason for me to dare hope that the soundtrack will available for purchase. Confirmations or denials of returning characters, like Jigglypuff, Captain Falcon, Ness, and Lucas would also be reassuring. There's not really much else to say. It's Smash Bros. You know what's up.

This. This is up. In case you'd forgotten

If you were recommended to this blog by one of my blog buddies, who said something along the lines of “Yeah, he's really hilarious, and he talks about science and anime and stuff”, and that second one made you a bit uneasy, then you might want to tune out for a bit. While I'm not about to talk about anime, it is about to get a whole lot more Japanese in here. The forseeable remainder of this post will be dedicated to Atlus, crafters of what are arguably the most Japanese games in the world.

First of all, I would like from Atlus an entire conference apologizing for Conception II. As a show of good faith, representatives of Spike Chunsoft should also be there, as it was they who gave life to this atrocity. Atlus merely shattered the fetters that bound it to the cursed nation in which it was meant to forever remain. Now, I'm not saying that Conception II is the worst game I've ever played. I'm just saying that, if I've ever played a worse game, then I've successfully reppressed any memory of having ever played it. The less said about Conception II, the better, so I'll move on.

Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem. What can I say about this that hasn't already been said before? Anything, really, because nothing's been said about it. This trailer from over a year ago is really all we have to go on, and it's about as informative as Pokemon's. Heck, it doesn't even have a date, or a concrete title, or really anything other than a bunch of characters from the respective series and the words "Development in progress". But what SMT x FE has over Pokemon is that, while Hoenn remakes were an inevitability, this crossover was more unexpected than me not referencing a certain Monty Python joke here. And while we know exactly what to expect from a Pokemon remake, more or less, we have practically no idea how this game will work. How will they reconcile the deeply personal connection you feel with the characters of Fire Emblem, resulting in a reset every time one dies, with the disposable demons of SMT, who are sacrificed as fusion fodder as you see fit? How can they resolve the conflict of setting, with SMT taking place in modern to futuristic Tokyo, and Fire Emblem taking place in various medieval fantasy worlds? How will they fuse the tactical gameplay of Fire Emblem with the more old-school RPG mechanics of SMT in a way that isn't exactly like Devil Survivor? Well, I have a few ideas on how it could be done...

Welcome... to the Catheeeedral of Shadows!

I kind of expect that some news will be dropped about this game at E3, and I definitely hope that it will. Fire Emblem's been one of my favorite game series for a while now, and Awakening is one of my favorite games of all time. And while I didn't know about it when this trailer was first unveiled, I've taken quite a shine to Shin Megami Tensei, and am quite intrigued as to how two of my favorite series of games will be combined.

The other game I felt like mentioning was Persona 5, another game by Atlus that also has very little information available. Persona 5's minimalist trailer (The only kind they make these days, it would seem)  consists of a bunch of chairs, appearing and being shackled, one by one. Then it says "You are a slave. Want emancipation?", like a dark, gritty reboot of the "Got Milk?" PSA campaign.

Got Chairs?

Googling "Got Milk?" reminded me of something unpleasantly serious that I'd like to talk about, and since I don't really have much to say about Persona 5, I guess I'll just go with it. So if you'll please ignore any implications that may spring up from the fact that I am transitioning from Persona 5 to discussion of Autism, I'd like to talk about PETA for a second. If you're wondering what PETA has to do with autism, and what any of this has to do with milk, then congratulations on being smarter than PETA. Because PETA recently claimed that milk causes autism. If you're laughing right now, it's because what you just read is goddamn hilarious. One of the funniest things I've ever written on my blog. I guarantee it. The idea that PETA would make such an absurd claim that is so tenuously connected to the "Ethical Treatment of Animals", for seemingly no other reason than to appear insane, is pure gold. Their source? Two studies, both more than a decade old. There are many reasons for the invalidity of this claim, and they are best left to people who know what they're talking about, but I'd like to point out the quote "One study of 20 children". In a study of behavioral science, a sample size this small is about as reliable as saying "some guy on a bus once told me..." There are a lot of things you can do with 20 children, but statistically significant science is not one of them.

Remember when we were talking about this? Not that this has anything to do with what I just said. *ahem*

Do I find this offensive? As someone with diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder, (The disorder formerly known as Aspergers. But I prefer the term "autism spectre") yeah a little bit. But as a student of science? I find this hugely offensive. Did PETA really think that they could pull the wool over people's eyes with such flimsy evidence? With any luck, this will completely sunder whatever remained of PETA's credibility, and maybe the animal rights movement can be associated with an organization that isn't the most insidious propaganda machine since ███████████

Anyway. Sorry about that. Back to E3, I suppose. I don't really have ████ to say, but I █████ that 'd like an announcement of a new █████, a proper successor to █████ █████ Galaxy, rather than a ████ sequel.

Eh? ██████ ████ all about? Oh ████, it seems that ███████████ is on to me. I always knew ██ █████ ████ ██ ████. I have ██ ███████.

Mother██████

Trans Sister

"I used to have a brother, but ever since the operation, I have a transistor."

Now that you never want to hear another joke from me ever again, I'll now state that there is a very real chance that what follows will be an entirely serious review of Transistor, with little to no content of value.

So, what is Transistor? Well, the easiest way to describe it is by comparing it to Bastion. Transistor is the second game made by Supergiant Games, the brilliant minds behind Bastion, a game which I've briefly covered before. In many ways, Transistor seems like a spiritual successor to Bastion. The combat is fairly similar, the way the story unfolds is familiar, and the world has all the same flair as Bastion. Now that my thesis statement's out of the way, I guess I'll expound on each of my points.

Transistor's combat is honestly probably the department in which it differs most from Bastion. When I heard about it, I thought "Well, you're probably only going to be able to wield the titular Transistor, so there probably isn't going to be as much customization as in Bastion". In Bastion, there were 12 different weapons, and you could equip any 2 of them at a time, leaving 65 possible combinations, not including all the possible special moves you can have. But I was wrong. Math wrong. In Bastion, the Transistor has different "functions" which are essentially different weapons. There are 15 of these functions, and you can wield up to 4 of them at a time, allowing an impressive total of 1365 different combinations. But that's just scratching the surface. Each function can also be used as an upgrade to your action functions, with each active function capable of holding up to 2 upgrades. And did I mention that functions can also passively boost your person, and you can have up to 4 of those? Each of these adjustments represents a potentially major shift in playstyle, far more than the special moves in Bastion. I can't get exact number on how many possible loadouts there are. Such a number can only be said to be "combinatorially large". And then, when you level up enough, you can get doubles of your functions, allowing you to use them in different slots at the same time, resulting in a number of possibilities that is barely even finite anymore. You could even say that it's "Supergiant".

Does this even count as a joke?

The combat itself is actually quite different from Bastion's. While Bastion focused on strategically blocking and dodging attacks, Transistor focuses on the turn() system, which allows you to freeze time, plan out your moves, and then execute them all at once in a manner rather similar to V.A.T.S. in the Fallout Series. This, combined with the vast customization options, lead to an experience that is somewhat more "strategic" than Bastion. This is really cool if you don't suck at it. I suck at it. This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing that it's really cool. When I'm in the groove, expertly executed plans are extremely satisfying. I mentioned awhile back that one of the most memorable moments in my gaming career was when I realized that I could kill people by throwing them into scaffoldings in Assassin's Creed (I also rather humorously implied that I did the same in real life, but now that my name's here, I'd like to definitively clarify that that is not the case). Transistor is lousy with moments like this. The incredible versatility allows for a bunch of cool strategies that just make you think "Damn, I can really do that?" Like "Holy crap, I can charm and drain the life from my enemies, all while escaping from them? Just like my friends in real life!" And then, somewhere around halfway through your second playthrough, you find that one perfect combination that solves all your troubles, and you realize that Transistor's combat is fun as hell. I mean, metaphorically, of course.

Not actually that fun, if I'm being honest.

Now, about the story. Well, for spoiler reasons, I don't want to talk about it too much. But I will say that it is pretty similar to Bastion's, perhaps even to a fault. I don't think that it had the same weight as Bastion, overall, but it definitely had plenty of Moments. Moments that made me think "Wow. This is what art is like". It's kind of hard to describe, so I'll give an example that I'm sure will do nothing to clarify from the Elfen Lied anime. *waits for boos and jeers to subside* *continues anyway, because we've been here for awhile* Elfen Lied opens with a naked chick breaking out of a high security lab by dismembering the hell out of everyone, interspersed with clips of a flustered intern running through the halls, unaware of the carnage that is taking place. Everything about her suggests that she's the klutzy main character. While she's on her way to deliver coffee to one of the bosses or whatever, she trips directly into the path of the naked chick. As the audience you are left to wonder how she's going to bumble her way out of this one. She doesn't. She is swiftly decapitated and used as a human shield, subverting your expectations just as viciously. I don't know why, but something about it just resonated with me. Maybe because I've had similar experiences before... is what I'd have said in the past, but I am now more reticent to imply that I've performed (or received) nude beheadings.

Anyway, there's not much else I can say about the story. I have a mind-blowing pet theory, but it involves some pretty major spoilers, so I can't talk about it too much. Suffice it to say, it involves Red, the protagonist, being the same person as Red, the protagonist of the 1st gen Pokemon games. They have the same name, and they're mute. That's reason enough for me.

The Transistor is actually a Honedge. Or Vice Versa. But not Cerebella's Hat

So, the world of Transistor. Let me be clear: this game is Compsci as all hell. It is a game made by computer people, for computer people. Everything takes place inside a computer, and it all- well, I mean, obviously it takes place inside a computer, because it's a computer game, but the actual setting for the game is a digital world. You know what I mean. And there are all kinds of references to computers, like the functions, which have names like "ping()" and "crash()", the fact that distances are measured in "blocks", and one of the first things said by the Transistor is "Hello World". Like Caelondia before it, Cloudbank has just enough detail to keep you intrigued and wanting for more. It would seem that this is somehow more satisfying than a game that just tells you what the hell is going on.

I left it out of my thesis statement, but another important part of Transistor is the sound: the voice acting and music. The voice acting is easily the best of any game I've ever played, with the possible exception of Virtue's Last Reward. The narrator this time around doesn't have the same grittiness as Bastion's, but the few other voice actors more than make up for it. I believe that the gaming industry could be saved if we just let these people dub every video game. And if your video game has female characters, tough luck. They're only allowed to say one word at the end. Make it count.

"Hey"

The music in Transistor is fantastic. In fact, you can go give it a listen on Spotify right now. I might even go so far as to say that you should. Ashley Barrett is just as fantastic a singer as she was in Bastion, and she had even more songs showcasing her talent this time around. None of them quite measure up to "Build that Wall", but there are very few songs who can claim to do that. Maybe even none, because songs are abstract ideas that can't claim things. The instrumental background music is also pretty damn solid. All-in-all, I think it's a great soundtrack, but I think I prefer Bastion's. As of right now, at least. Given more time, it's entirely possible that I'll grow to like Transistor's more.

So what's the verdict on Transistor? Well, if we're comparing it to Bastion, I'd say that I still prefer Bastion. The combat clicked with me more, the story seems to have more direction, and "Build that Wall" is just way too good. But that's not to say that Transistor isn't a masterpiece, or even that it isn't better than Bastion. Just because I prefer it doesn't, necessarily mean I think it's better. I'm not so arrogant as to assume that any of my opinions are right.

Now the real question is this: Is Transistor worth $20? I'm not sure. I'm kind of spoiled by Steam Sales, so $20 is close to the biggest purchase I've ever made on Steam to date. And while Transistor was a fantastic game, it was also quite short; I finished it in about 8 hours, and others finished in 5 or 6. The deep combat system and additional recursion playthroughs add substantial replayability, but that all depends on how willing and able you are to put in the effort. I can understand why you'd be reluctant to shell out $20 for Transistor, but if you ever catch it on sale, I'd recommend picking it up. It may not have broken new ground the way Bastion did, but it is still definitely a major bullet point in the argument that games can be art.

Now that that's out of the way, it's time to address the elephant in the room. Yes, I changed my blog's template, because the old one looked like someone pooped on a poop, and then left that double-poop to stew in a food processor for a week or three, even though double-poops are about as far from "food" as you can get. And honestly, I'm not sure this new format is much better. It maybe looks like a single poop fresh from a Dutch oven fortnight. I might fix it later, but I certainly wouldn't count on it. 

I've also changed some of the gadgets on the side of the page. I removed the pageview counter, because it made me sad to think that everyone saw how few people read my blog (Around 4000 at the time of writing). I also removed my short bio with the link to my G+ account, because there wasn't anything to see there, and it made me really sad to think that everyone could see how many more people apparently read my barren G+ account (Around 11,000 at the time of writing, allegedly). The bio contained a pretty neat joke, so I guess I'll record it here for posterity. 

"I write a blog where I try to say funny things. I also write poetry, which is put on a different blog. I might write fiction, depending on how some things work out. Despite all this, I consider myself more of a hard science man. Though, to be clear, the adjective 'hard' was describing the noun 'science' in that case."

In their place, I now have a widget that shows my Twitter feed, and a link to some of my blog buddies. I like to think I'm a pretty funny guy on Twitter, but then again, I also like to think I'm a pretty funny guy on this blog, so your mileage may vary. When it comes to Twitter, I have even fewer standards about how appropriate my jokes are, so expect this blog to lose its F-word virginity pretty soon after this post goes live. There's also some news with regards to my blog buddies. Payton Knobeloch, previously of "Loner and Friends", has a new blog on Wordpress, Knobbles, which sounds kind of like something dirty, but definitely probably isn't. Maybe. He lists my blog as a blog that he follows, so you should check it out. I also have a new blog buddy, Tim Eads, whose blog is, as far as I can tell, basically Mulan's "I'll make a Man out of You" in text form. If that blatantly misleading synopsis won't convince you to check it out, I don't know what will. Then there's Alicen Moser's "Lessons in Unnecessary Enthusiasm (!!)", and my poetry blog, neither of which have changed.

I've kind of forgotten how I end these posts, so enjoy this Dinosaur Comic I wrote. For necessary context, click here and here.

NOTE: I tweeted this and it was favorited by Dinosaur Comics author Ryan North, so I think that makes it Expanded Universe

Letters are the New Colors

My schedule for updating my blog is pretty ill-defined. I basically just write whenever I feel like it, or, more importantly, whenever I don't feel like doing something more productive (Hello, final exams!) But there is one rule to which I always adhere: if a new Pokemon game is announced, that gets my immediate attention (Goodbye, final exams!) And as luck would have it, Gamefreak just announced the existence of the long anticipated 3rd gen remakes: Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby. That's right, X and Y weren't a one-off thing. Letters are the new standard for Pokemon titles. So keep an eye out for 7th gen Pokemon で and Pokemon す, coming out in just a few years.

So, what all was revealed, other than the name? Well, naturally, a release time was given. An exact date wasn't specified, but it's supposed to hit the shelves some time in November of this year. It's not too surprising that they'd try to time it to coincide with the winter shopping rush. They also announced that they believe that Word Art constitutes a trailer. Seriously, take a gander at this “trailer”. Don't worry, it's only 30 seconds, so it won't take up much of your time.

Did I mention that this announcement caused the internet to burst like an overhype tomato? Or, at least, the parts of Twitter that I frequent. And while it probably isn't very scientifically rigorous of me to use Twitter trending topics as evidence, the fact remains that at least 3 of them have been about this announcement for awhile. So my question is this: why? Why are people so excited about this? Because it confirmed that 3rd gen remakes are on their way? Were there really people who thought that they weren't? Gamefreak's been dropping hints about them for awhile now, and it would be completely irrational of them to not milk this cash cow. Speaking of which, did you know that there's been a new Pokemon game released every year since 2009? (In the US, at least. Platinum, Heartgold/Soulsilver, Black/White, Black2/White2, X/Y) It really shouldn't come as any kind of surprise that the 3rd gen remakes are happening now. Is it because of the names? While I admit that Alpha and Omega are kind of cool, that's mostly because of my pet theory that there exists (or should exist) an “Omega Pokemon”, a counterpart to Arceus, the Alpha Pokemon, that will destroy the world. Though it's supremely unlikely that they'll add new Pokemon in a remake, so this'll probably put a nail in the coffin of that idea, if anything. And I don't suppose that the majority of the internet is getting more excited over Greek letters than a math/physics major. 

So what else is there? The box art? If you watch the trailer, which I highly recommend, then you'll see that that's really the only other information. Spoiler Alert, there's Kyogre and Groudon, in slightly altered forms that are likely Mega-Evolutions (Which is a terrible idea, by the way). This lack of information has caused people to panic, analyzing every word and comparing the wording to past Pokemon reveals. “Why, they call it a 'reimagining', and a 'brand new world'! That must mean that it'll be more of a sequel, like Black and White 2, than a remake!” This seems to be the idea that people are having. While I admit that it's possible, a “reimagining” actually sounds to me like they are very much remaking the game, rather than making a sequel. And even if it is a new story, “brand new world” is just fluff. Unless it actually takes place outside of Hoenn, in which case why even bother calling it Ruby and Sapphire? And if it really is a brand new adventure, why don't they just come out and say that? Because people would get too hype? Well, there's a saying in marketing, that goes “There's no such thing as bad publicity, especially when it's good publicity.” The fact that they have nothing to say about it other than “it exists” is not very encouraging.

Let's take a step back and compare this to the X/Y announcement about a year ago. Notice any differences? Actually, don't answer that question. I don't want to be held responsible if your brain suffers an overflow error. Basically, the primary difference is that the X/Y one doesn't look like the last minute project of a computer design undergrad who got in on a legacy scholarship that the school board is starting to regret. I don't even know if that skillfully crafted analogy can properly convey the scope of this travesty. This “trailer” is bad. Like, poop in your underpants while you're wearing it bad. Yes. That bad. Now, I understand that Pokemon α/ω will likely have the same graphics as X/Y, so there's not much point in showcasing them. But, at the same time, when you're cashing in on nostalgia, it wouldn't hurt to show revamped versions of familiar locales. Hell, even X/Y managed to do that better by showing a brief glimpse of the Eiffel Tower, and no one had even played that game yet. Also, towering pillars of flame. Those were conspicuously absent from the new trailer.

So why did they even bother making this announcement now if they didn't even have anything notable to say? Well, I'm not accusing Nintendo of making this announcement to distract everyone from the fact that they shit the bed financially. I'm just saying that, to an impartial, outside observer, it looks exactly like they did that. Except that, if that was really how it went down, you'd think they could at least done a little premeditating. I certainly hope that the Nintendo executives didn't just yesterday realize that they've been hemorrhaging money like a hemophiliac King Midas. So perhaps this conspiracy can be debunked with the argument that if it had really been planned out in advance to distract us, then maybe it wouldn't have sucked so much. Then again, no one else really seems to mind, so I guess it served its purpose.

I feel like I've been asking a lot of questions in this post, but there's one that bugs me more than any other. Why am I so angry about this? I feel like it wasn't too long ago that I would have been ecstatic about a 3rd gen remake. Has X/Y made me jaded and bitter? Is this Skullgirls' fault? Why am I fixating so much on this “trailer”? I don't really know the answers to any of these questions, but I think that hype backlash plays a vital role. When the announcement hit, people went nuts. Everyone was getting so excited over a title, a release date, and two sentences of filler, and... I guess I envied them. I was jealous of how they could get so excited over so little. Perhaps I was like that once. And seeing them, hearts filled with joy, reminded me of those times, and how things have changed. The intense heat and pressure of their hype transformed my black heart into a shining diamond of hate.

As Seen Here

So, will I buy one of these games? Probably. Will I stop asking rhetorical questions? Hopefully. But I like to imagine that Gamefreak called it “Omega Ruby” because it's the last Pokemon game I'll ever play.

An Ill-conceived Notion

Skullgirls is a lot like anime, in that I will never forgive it. Skullgirls, for rendering me incapable of enjoying games that aren't Skullgirls, and anime, for giving me the capacity for sadness. Did you know that I felt an emotion for the first time while watching anime? But that's a story for Another post.

AHAHA GET IT THAT'S THE NAME OF THE ANIME

There is, however, one genre that seems to be exempt from the ruination that Skullgirls has brought on my enjoyment of games: Role-playing games. Specifically, Japanese Role-playing games. So I will now discuss a few of the JRPGs I've played recently: Bravely Default, Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor: Overclocked, and Conception II. Oh yeah, by the way, RPGs have some pretty strange titles. But don't worry; Conception II is actually exactly as bad as it sounds.


So, first of all: Bravely Default. Bravely Default. Yo. If Smash Bros. wasn't coming out later this year, I could probably declare Bravely Default Game of the Year with no regrets. Bravely Default is my favorite JRPG of all time, just barely edging out SMT IV. Like Shin Megami Tensei, it has just about everything you could want from an RPG: Fun combat, a compelling story, a variety of options when customizing your party, bravo bikinis, ect. While Bravely Default lacks SMT's worldbuilding and the unique thrill that comes with recognizing demons, it more than makes up for it with its characters, killer soundtrack, and the most memorable final boss fight of my entire life. But before I get to those, I guess I should probably explain why it's called Bravely Default. Square Enix is stupid and bad at names. End of explanation.


Much like Frozen, Bravely Default is a great work in and of itself, and I'm probably going to be doing it a disservice by focusing so much on its soundtrack. That said, its soundtrack is sweetdiculous. It is K-rad. It is Fashionaaaaaaabluh. It is actually pretty sparse, with just 45 songs, especially considering how long the game is (The amount of time I spent playing it is somewhere between 100 hours and the amount of time I've spent playing Skullgirls [counting the endless beta]). To make up for this, almost every song is a masterpiece. It's hard to pick a favorite out of such an all-star lineup, but I think I'd have to go with the song that plays against the final boss. With music like that, staying pumped up through an hour long boss fight with more stages than Saturn V rocket is a snap. Unfortunately, its title is something of a mild spoiler, so I'll just link to this hour long live concert of music from the game. But before you click that link, be warned: this is no mere concert. It is a spectacle. You've got a rock band up front, a platoon of suit-and-tie men in the back, half a dozen singers, props, a man rocking a trumpet with blistering precision and surgical intensity, and a narrator with the voice of James Earl Jones, if he was injured as a cop in the line of duty and had to be re-built as a literal instrument of justice.

I'm just getting warmed up with these Skullgirls references.

I really wish I could talk more about Bravely Default, but, as you're about to see, I have a lot of things to say about Conception II, and I don't want this going too long. Honestly, it's already too long; when you read it, I imagine you will exclaim something to the effect of “Jesus God, this man clearly has issues if he has both the ability and willingness to discuss magical sex at such great lengths.”



Speaking of God, he's a very prominent character in the next game I'm talking about, SMT Devil Survivor Overclocked. I think that's how that transition went? I lost this part the first time I wrote it when I tried to upload a picture to my blog from public transportation.

It probably wasn't this one, but let's pretend that it was.

Anyway, God. And not just “a god”, or “some gods” (Although there are plenty of those), but “The God”, as in Yehowah, the Original G, deity of Judeo-Christian Lore. While SMT IV's God was strongly implied to be the biblical God, Devil Survivor pulls out all the stops. He's even called “Yehowah”, which my spell-check controversially believes to be "hogwash". But the similarities don't stop with names. This game is rife with biblical references, and God is responsible for all of them. Many classic tales from the Bible show up in the story: Things like Noah's Ark, The Tower of Babel, The Garden of Eden, King Solomon, Cain and Abel, The Book of Job, and the weird parts parts of The Bible where it tells you when it's OK to sell your daughter into slavery.

He wouldn't be much of a G if he wasn't packing heat.

In the interest of avoiding spoilers, some of those examples were red herrings. Not all of those stories appear in the game, but some of them do. In the interest of fostering an understanding of how rad this game is, spoilers be damned, I will say this: In this game, you can use the power of the Internet Hate Machine to annihilate the Old Testament God. Now, I didn't get that ending, so I can't say for sure that you actually do it, but the idea is brought up. I really don't know that there's anything else I can say here to sell you on this game, so I'll just move on.


Conception II. Conception II. Yo. But not “Yo” in quite the same way as with Bravely Default. More like “Yo. I have seen some things. I have done some things. I... I just need to tell someone about this. Is this what it feels like to be Catholic?”

My sins could never have absolution.

In keeping with the theological theme, Conception II is kind of like God. It so far transcends the understanding of humans that the nature of its existence cannot be expressed in words. The tool of analogy can be used to further understanding of it, but it must be understood that these analogies are necessarily imperfect, as full comprehension is simply outside the realm of possibility. Are we on the same page so far? No? Good.

Conception II is a game in which you father children that help you fight to save the world. This description might sound familiar, because the very same thing happens in Fire Emblem Awakening, one of my favorite games of all time. But there are many important differences between the two. In Conception II, the main character maintains a sizable harem of 7 classmates with whom he is all but required to have children. Excuse me, that's not quite right. 6 classmates and 1 teacher. But don't let that trick you into thinking that there's one less underage girl you'll be knocking up; the teacher is a prodigy who graduated college at 14, and is the same age as everyone else i.e. 16-18. If you're wondering how I came to be in possession of such an obviously illegal piece of software, and why I'm posting about it to my newly de-anonymized blog, I should probably clarify: No one in this game has sex. At least, not as far as I've gotten. In fact, you don't have real children. You have “star children”, by performing a holy ritual known as “classmating”. As an aside, I just want you to imagine what kind of church official discovered the secret to creating life out of nothing, and then decided to call it “classmating”. The process of “classmating” consists of little more than holding hands. Then, the male puts his “Ether” in her “star womb”, which forms a “Matryoshka”. Then, a prayer is offered to “Mother Russia”, and a Star Child is born! It's OK. No underaged persons were sexed in the making of this game. Contrast to Fire Emblem Awakening, where the children are produced, at least implicitly, through sexual intercourse. Only once is the subject of creating children through magic brought up, and even then, the guy says something along the lines of “Maybe you could help me with research, if you know what I mean”. This is what makes it so ironic that Conception II is far more lewd, despite not having actual sex.

No one asked you.

Maybe it's the fact that Classmating is explicitly referenced and showed onscreen, with girls writhing around all magical girl naked. I hope it is understood what i meant by that phrase I just made up, because I have no desire to explain it any further. I mean, I'm a huge fan of Skullgirls, so it can hardly be argued that I'm a prude when it comes to sexualization in my games. That said, one of the girls' magical girl outfits (And the teacher, no less) has underboob that puts even Ms Fortune to shame.

If it seems like I've been bringing up Skullgirls even more than usual, it may be because the new character Big Band was just recently released. So if you've ever considered buying it, now would be a great time do so. If you haven't considered buying it, now would be a great time to start.

Another comparison that I feel can be instructive is that between Conception II and Katawa Shoujo. You know, that thing that I've brought up twice since I said that I'd stop bringing it up. The two are rather similar in that they both have premises that, at first blush, are embarrassing to even think about. If anything, Katawa Shoujo's might be even worse. For those of you lucky enough to forget what it is, Katawa Shoujo is a visual novel made by people on 4chan, a place generally agreed upon to be one of the worst on the internet, about hooking up with crippled girls. Each girl has a different disability. There's one without arms, one without legs, one's deaf, one's blind, and one's covered in burns. But the difference between KS and Conception is that KS surprises you. With a description like that, you might start KS expecting a trashy, exploitative visual novel that makes light of people with disabilities. But that's not the case at all. It's about the kind of high school relationships that everyone can relate too. Er, well, I imagine everyone else can relate to. The disabilities are in no way the main focus of each girl. That's not to say that they're just “informed disabilities” that have no effect on the story, but they are not the driving force. In the end, persons with disabilities are just persons. Girls are persons. And you're a person, aren't you? So, by the law of syllogism, you are now disabled. And a girl, too. Yikes, today really isn't your day.

Now that I've thrown away the entire message of that paragraph in one joke, let's contrast that with Conception II, which has no surprises, at least as far as I've gotten. Granted, I haven't gotten terribly far, so there's every possibility that in the endgame there will be a “This is why you're actually terrible!” moment. In fact, I am very much hoping for such a moment. But, as it stands, it's just about as bad as it sounds. Playing this game has cost me every feminism point that I won from Analogue, and then some. The girls exist solely to serve the main character, who is actually, seriously referred to as “God's Gift”. The characters are, for the most part, one dimensional, and have the aggregate self esteem of a blog writer who can't come up with a funny metaphor to put here. That said, it's not as if I didn't care about them at all. They're all well-worn tropes, but they have a certain charm to them, and they're all desperate enough that you feel bad any time you favor one at the expense of the others. And due to what I suspect may be a flipped inequality in the game's code, (Remember, coders, it's like an alligator that wants to eat the larger number) they'll only complain about not going adventuring with you enough right after you've finished adventuring with them. I've probably spent about as much time agonizing over who to spend time with as I did actually playing the game. Really, your ability to enjoy Conception II is limited only by your own capacity for self-loathing.

Ten out of ten. Hundred out of hundred. Best game

Another problem with the family dynamic in Conception is the children. In Fire Emblem, each child is a full-fledged character, like any of your other units. In fact, I think it's fair to say that the children are some of the most likable characters in the game. Star Children, on the other hand, come with no emotional investment. And it's made perfectly clear that these aren't emotionless golems who exist only to fight monsters. While not human, they do exhibit capacity for feeling every time they say “I love you so much, daddy”. This makes me feel kind of uncomfortable, because they are utterly disposable to me. There are probably demons in SMT that I've felt more attached to than these kids.

Pic unrelated

They're kind of like Pokemon. Yeah, there are a few that you keep around because they're good, but if they aren't useful to you, then you let them languish in your computer until you decide to release them. And while I know that I have neither time nor space to waste, I'd like to mention that I think that Pokemon also kind of suffers from this. Sure, Pokemon Black and White, they say how all trainers really love the Pokemon that they're forcing to fight each other, but do they really? Is it really right for all those trainers to abduct Pokemon and stash them in a digital abyss where they'll never see their families again? Because that seems pretty- wait a second. That's... that's not something most people do. Most trainers only have 3 or 4 Pokemon. The only one who hoards them like that... is you. Is us. Only the player character has that many Pokemon. We're the real Pocket Monsters.

Anyway. Conception does have a certain charm in its dialogue and ballsy premise, but overall, it lacks the depth to really be engaging. This concludes my post about all the dating sims I've been playing recently.

Wait a second. That's not right. It was RPGs! That's right. I was so caught up with all the child having that I kind of forgot about all the fighting and stuff. It was only possible for me to do that because I'm good at forgetting things. In reality, this is one of the most role-playing games I've ever played. Your party consists of 1 hero, 7 different heroines, and up to 70 Star Children. When going into dungeons, you bring 1 heroine and 9 children, split up into teams of three, so that you still have the standard 4 units, but it's still a lot of bodies to train, equip, and so on. The combat system is pretty interesting in the way that you have to position your units as you attack, but it's damn complicated. There are a lot of meters, menus, and mammaries to wade through, and they can be pretty clunky at times, with confusing explanation that I skipped through. The story is nothing incredible so far, and is set up in such a way that the player can progress on his own terms. This is problematic, because my terms suck. Sweetdiculous? K-rad? Fashionaaaaaaaabluh? Those aren't my terms. I stole them from these games. My terms are stupid, like "exfightment" of "juicebumps". So I spend hours inefficiently grinding with heroines I don't intend to use, rather than actually playing the game. There was nowhere else in this post to fit this image, but I wanted to make the joke, so here it is.

Girl, are you a Jukebox hero? Because you, er, have stars in your eyes.

All in all, Conception II is by no means a good game, but it's not too bad. (WARNING FROM THE FUTURE: Conception II is, in fact, too bad) If you would enjoy playing it, then you probably already have it. There's no real need for me to recommend it. But in the time since I started writing this, I've come to like it in a way that only barely resembles the symptoms of pop culture Stockholm Syndrome. I have won the victory over myself. I love Conception II.

Kerfuffle

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to get hype for the new Super Smash Brothers. Telling someone to be excited for Super Smash Brothers is like telling fish to swim, or birds to fly, or the Secret Service to be kind of uneasy about how many pictures of the president I downloaded in one sitting. You're “preaching to the choir”, as it were. Yet, as was made painfully apparent with my previous post, I will desperately latch onto anything that I can make a joke out of, so here I am. Just recently (IT WAS RECENT WHEN I STARTED THIS, OK?), an entire Nintendo Direct was devoted to the upcoming Super Smash Brothers, and a lot of juicy details came to light. I really recommend that you watch it. There were a lot of little things to catch, such that if I attempted to record them all here, I'd end up with a humorless list of things someone else said; if I wanted to write that, I'd work for Buzzfeed. Hey-o! (A note to Buzzfeed: Please do not take this to mean that I value dignity or professional integrity more than money. If given the chance, I would gladly work for Buzzfeed for literally any positive, real amount of money.)

Usually, when it comes to Super Smash Bros. news, it's all about the fighters. Reveals of new fighters, and to a lesser extent, confirmations of returning fighters, are the big announcements that everyone looks forward to. But in this case, I think that the biggest reveal may have been the one pertaining to the game's release date. Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say “the games' release dates”. For you see, the biggest announcement was the fact that the two versions of the game, Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, will not be released at the same time. In a marketing move that gaming historians will likely remember as either unusually clever or impossibly stupid, Nintendo has decided to release the 3DS version first, this summer, with the Wii U version coming out in the Winter. Nintendo's official reason for doing this? Well, there isn't one, really. Sakurai just kind of says that they want to take their time to make sure the game is as great as it can possibly be. Since the 3DS version is being released earlier, this kind of implies that the Wii U version will be superior, which may have been their intention all along.

So, other than the release date, what else will be different between the two games? Well it seems that Sakurai caught wind of my suspicion that the two games would have different characters, because he confirms that both games will share the same roster. Stages, on the other hand are a completely different story. From the way he tells it, the two games will have completely different stages, only sharing series mainstays like Battlefield and Final Destination. Speaking of Final Destination, every stage now has a “Final Destination” form, which is perfectly flat and devoid of any platforms or obstacles, perfect for competitive players and “stop having fun” guys. This is to accommodate online play, which is separated into “For Fun”, which has all the stages and items that make Smash Bros. enjoyable, and “For Glory”, which has all the Final Destination all the not items that make Smash Bros. Serious business. Just like in those funny memes you may have heard so much about.

Since this isn't an actual paper that I'm turning in to my university Super Smash Bros. class, I don't have to give a shit about transitions. But since it is on my blog, it has to include at least one Skullgirls reference. "Rosalina is basically like Ms Fortune, except she doesn't utilize underboob. At least, not that we know of. *hopes fervently*" Sakurai also announced that characters who “change formes” in mid-battle will no longer be a thing. Characters who used to do this, like Samus & Zero Suit Samus, and Zelda & Sheik, have been separated into different characters. Pokemon trainer has been disbanded, and it's incredibly likely that only Charizard remains, as he was the only one announced, and if they kept Ivysaur and Squirtle, there would be way too many Pokemon. In fact, with the number of Pokemon fighters currently announced at the standard cap of 4, it seems entirely possible that the classic veteran Jigglypuff won't make it. Which, honestly, makes perfect sense. To me, it's a mystery why Jigglypuff was even included in the first game to begin with, and why we all subsequently went along with it, on par with the age old question of how everyone knows that they're called “Ewoks” when the word is never said in Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, it seems that if Jigglypuff is not returning, then his replacement is to be Greninja. That's right, a starter from the newest generation. Honestly, I'm not sure that's much better than a nobody like Jigglypuff. At least, that was what I though when I first heard about him. But, much like the Wii Fit trainer (who is apparently also a guy sometimes?) and the Villager before him, I changed my mind right quick when I saw his trailer. It was, for lack of a better word, hype as all hell. And I apologize if I use the word “hype” too much when referring to Smash Bros, but it would take a feat of Shakespearean ingenuity to come up with a word better suited to the feeling I get when I watch Smash Bros. videos. It's kind of like the goosebumps that you get when you listen to a beautiful piece of music. This lead me to try to think of some kind of pun involving “goosebumps”, but I had to pull out the emergency brakes on the ol' train of thought as soon as I pulled up at “juicebumps” station. I'll have to make a transfer to to a different line. Let's see... I'm getting excited for a fighting game. Exfightment? That might work if it weren't awful. Manticipation? I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like “mantissa pation”, which could be a math joke. Must investigate further.

Alright, it's time to stop pretending that there's anyone reading this who doesn't already know about the Nintendo Direct that happened two weeks ago. But I'll keep pretending that there's anyone reading this at all, because the truth can be scary sometimes. If you really want to learn all the things that were shown, just watch the video I linked at the beginning. It's fairly long, but I promise that it's worth your time. Certainly more worth your time than reading any part of this post after the one about me making the Secret Service uneasy.

Wham Episode

Have you ever been so out of things to say that you just started giving out personal information? No? Well, you should try it some time; your social security number can make a really effective icebreaker. Not that I have one of those. I'm so awkward, the government gave me an antisocial security number.

Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for The Government!

But because I absolutely cannot think of anything else to make a post about, I've decided to divulge the most dangerous secret in the universe i.e. my name, in the hopes that it would give me something to talk about. And I'd say it's working so far. Remember that line about the antisocial security number? That was gold.

Actually, [REDACTED], antisocial security numbers are a very real thing, and the government doesn't like it when you steal our jokes.

Oh, crap. Thanks, Obama. I was probably going to make a big deal out of the mystery, to let the readers savor the anticipation, and you just come right out and say it. That's no way to handle a big reveal. Where's your sense of suspense?

I "sense" that I may have to "suspend" your rights as a US citizen.

OK man, be cool! We're all friends here. I don't want no trouble. And before I start making jokes that would be incredibly unwise to associate with my name, (as it turns out, the government takes threats to the president very seriously) I think I'd better hang up, Mr. Obama.

I think that might be the wisest course of action, Mr. [REDACTED]

Anyway, it is indeed as the president said. That's my name, and you can feel free to wear it out, since it's covered by a rather hefty name insurance policy. See, since I no longer have the veil of anonymity to protect me, I am forced to be creative when it comes to the fictional crimes I conspire to commit on this blog. While before I might have spoken of murder or high treason, now I must make up absurd crimes like name insurance fraud.

I'll have you know that name insurance fraud is a serious issue facing this great nation, one that I would have you not make light of.

OK, really? Has the US government mastered mind control abilities and used them to allow Obama to ghost-write my blog, or am I just deranged? I'm not one to end my sentences with prepositions, so I'm inclined to lean towards the former.

The rule against ending sentences with prepositions is a myth. In this great country, we're free to end sentences with any word we want.

Yeah, well it's called a preposition for a reason. If I wanted it at the end of my sentence, I'd call it a postpostion. Besides, I recognize that it's a meaningless rule, but I am of the opinion that the more difficult my writing is to understand, the more smart it makes me sound. Because avoiding ending sentences with prepositions often makes writing difficult to understand, it makes me sound smarter. Uh, ostensibly.

Weren't you in the middle of making some kind of announcement?

Huh? Uh... maybe? I don't care about that anymore, though. This is more important. I need to know whether or not I'm actually talking to the president right now. So I'll ask you a question that only the real president would know. So... uh... like, what do you do in government?

Well you see, this great nation is governed by three branches of government, maintained by a system of checks and balances that-

Uh, sorry to interrupt you there, but it seems like these captions are getting a little crowded, so I thought I might invite you to the body of the post, where paragraphs and stuff happen.

Obama: Thank you very much, Mr. [REDACTED]. It is much more comfortable out here than it is in those stuffy captions. As I was saying before, the way that federal government is arranged is nearly identical to how the mind works according to Freudian Psychology, with the three branches of government analogous to the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. As president, I am the Ego, and I mediate between the Democrats and the Republicans, who are like the Id and Superego, disrespectively. I spend most of my time in Congress, where they debate about whether America is a democracy or republic. I've tried to get them to agree to “Democratic Republic” on several occasions but you know how politicians can be.

Me: I... see. Well, that sounds like the kind of description of government that could only come from someone with a profound apathy towards politics. I'm... not being mind controlled by Barack Obama, am I? I guess this means I am deranged.

Obama: Of course you're not being mind controlled by Barack Obama. The government is far too busy using its mind control powers to ensure that you're unprepared for your physics exams to waste any time with such trifling matters. You really are more deranged than a... hold on a second, let me look up the mathematical definition of “derangement” on Wikipedia...

Me: In combinatorial mathematics, a derangement is a permutation of the elements of a set such that none of the elements appear in their original position. So I guess more deranged than that?

Obama: More deranged that a permutation of elements such that-- oh, you already made the joke.

Me: Yeah, man. Who doesn't know the mathematical definition of derangement off the top of their head?

Obama: Please, don't bullshit me. That's a word for word copy paste job from the Wikipedia page on derangement.

Me: Yeah, man. I just happen to have the definition memorized word for word. Combinatorial mathematics is something that I am very familiar with.

Obama: Is hypocrisy something else with which you are familiar? Because you just ended a sentence with a preposition, shitlord.

Me: OK, you know what? I've just discovered that my aversion to putting words in the mouths of dead men also extends to living men, especially when those words are "shitlord".

Obama: You want to say that to my face, bitch, and not on the internet? I'll have you know that, as President, I have access to the raddest battle mech money can buy, and I will not hesitate to use it to turn your life into fire.

Me: Wait, what? I thought that you weren't Barack Obama mind controlling me. I was under the impression that this was a borderline schizophrenic conversation I was having with myself. Who are you?

???: Your impression is correct, for the most part, but I'm not sure what has you so confused. Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot you've never played Persona. Wow, what a sad and unfulfilling life you must lead. Then again, I already knew that.

Me: So... does that mean that you're my Shadow? A manifestation of my darkest thoughts and repressed desires?

???: Indeed. I am thou... and thou art I. You may call me... Dirac Obama! President of Physics!

Me: No! That's impossible! There's no way that you're m- actually, that sounds like exactly the kind of stupid joke that I'd make.

Dirac: Yes. And now that I've been given form, I will reveal the true nature of Havoc Mantis to all! Or should I say... [REDACTED]?

Me: I... I don't understand. What do you plan to do?

Dirac: You know that Twitter account that you maintain, where you post the stupidest, lewdest, most shameful things, only because you know that no one will read them?

Me: Ummmm... kind of. Is it really that bad?

Dirac: Remember “Chode to Joy”? “Baskin Throbbins”?

Me: Heh. Those were pretty good.

Dirac: What about Smegma-man?

Me: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


*Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed above are meant to be reflections of current president Barack Obama. I bet that he's probably never said the word "shitlord" in his life, and he may not even know that it's a word, and that's why he's the president.