Pokemon X and Y: The Last Hurrah

Well, here we are. For the first, and hopefully last, time, I will be writing a no-holds-barred, full-speed-ahead, other-hyphenated-phrase review of a game. It should come as little surprise that the game in question is Pokemon X. If you've come here for a review of Pokemon Y, then I'm afraid you'll have to go elsewhere. I'm not part of that mess.


I suppose I might as well focus on the good things. Good thing number 1: I don't have to play it anymore. Witty jabs aside, It really wasn't that bad of a game. It was a Pokemon game, and it had all the good things that come with the territory: pockets, monsters, attempted xenocide, mass graves, you know, the usual. The music was pretty-top notch, as is to be expected from Gamefreak. The biking song was particularly memorable. Speaking of bikes, in this game, you can bike and skate around smoothly, uninhibited by the opressive squares that constrained us in the past. It's pretty nice. There's also a really neat sidequest at the end where Detective Looker learns you what it means to be a hardboiled man. He's a pretty cool guy. Easily my second favorite fictional character that looks like David Tennant.

The first being Barty Crouch, naturally.

Moving on from the good things, let us now speak of the actual Pokemon, and the battles between them, and the real substance of the game. There is no doubt in my mind that 6th gen introduced the least change to Pokemon of any Generation. Of primary concern is the number of new Pokemon. Up until 6th gen, each new generation added at least 100 new Pokemon to the mix. The number of new Pokemon introduced in Pokemon X and Y is 69, which is alarming for a number of reasons. First and foremost, hahaha 69 is a funny number. Second and fivemost, that is not enough Pokemon. Granted, even number generations have historically introduced fewer Pokemon than odd numbered generations, but the amount of new Pokemon with each new generation has generally been increasing. So why did Gamefreak reverse this trend? Well, because there are too damn many Pokemon. People have said it before, and I agree with them. We don't need 800 Pokemon. So, in a way, I get where Gamefreak is coming from when they decided to only make a few Pokemon, and then just make the game a smorgasbord of mostly Pokemon from previous generations. I guess my main problem isn't that there are so few new Pokemon, it's that there are so few new Pokemon that I don't actively hate.

I am the 99%.

This is Diggersby. His prehensile ear-arms (earms?) are well suited for digging, allowing him to burrow into the anger glands of your brain and play them like a fiddle. He is just one of many new Pokemon that I could accurately describe as "revolting". Another such pokemon is Slurpuff, who impossibly manages to live up to his disgusting name. When I first heard that there was a cotton candy Pokemon, I thought it was a fun joke on people who wouldn't shut up about how stupid an ice cream cone Pokemon was. But when I heard the name, and saw its form, I immediately knew that it was no joke.

Serious Business

Keeping these fellas company at the bottom of the barrel are Quilladin, which just looks like a fatter Chespin, Dedenne, which is Pikachu except it's a Fairy-type this time, and Klefki, who is a key ring. Now that I'm out of Pokemon to complain about, and I'm realizing that there actually aren't that many Pokemon that I hate, I guess I should talk about the good Pokemon. That instance of the word "Pokemon" might as well have been singular, because Aegislash is THE good Pokemon of 6th gen.

Aegislash is the first Ghost/Steel type Pokemon, a great type that would be even greater if Gamefreak hadn't nerfed the steel type, removing its resistance to dark and ghost, with the explicit intent of keeping Aegislash from being overpowered. As you can clearly see, it is cool as hell. When Aegislash first takes the field in battle, he keeps his sword sheathed, giving him incredible defense stats. Then, as soon as he attacks, he draws his blade, giving him incredible attacking stats. Then, if he uses a defensive move, like King's Shield, (a new, overpowered-seeming move that, as far as I can tell, is like Protect, but it also sharply decreases the Attack of anyone who hits him with a contact move.) he goes back to shield mode. Unfortunately, he's pretty slow either way, but this is mitigated by his potential to play mind games with his opponent. He can also use boosting moves to beef up his attack and/or speed stats while tanking hits in shield mode, then switch to blade mode and put his enemies to the sword when he's in blade mode. In addition to the possible competitive implications, it cannot be stressed enough that this Pokemon is cool as hell. And speaking of Pokemon who are cool as hell...

Exhibit A

Hawlucha is a hawk that is also a luchador. And that's it. The prosecution rests. Case closed. In the trial of Hawlucha for the crime of "Being the most baller Pokemon ever", we find the defendant guilty. Hawlucha also receives the dubious honor of being the only Pokemon to learn the only dual-type attack, Flying Press, which is simultaneously a Flying type move, a Fighting type move, and a not very good move, since you can't hit Rock or Steel types super effectively with it. Or Bugs, I guess.


If you look closely enough at Hawlucha's face, you'll notice that he has regular mouth under his beak. This seems to imply that his beak isn't a real beak, and is just for show, like part of a mask. Notice also that it has a physique similar to a humans, and that its wings don't really look like wings, but more like arms with feathery things coming out of them, like Charizard X. Hawlucha is also very small, only 2'07'' tall. Now, I'm not saying for sure that Hawlucha is actually a 3-fingered little person who dresses up like a Pokemon to beat the crap out of other Pokemon, but it gave me the idea that that could happen, and for that I am extremely thankful.

In terms of actual new things added to the game, there isn't too much to talk about. Shiny Pokemon were made considerably more common. This news put quite a damper on the lavish party that I had thrown in celebration of the shiny Tentacool that I caught on my second day of playing. There's now a Fairy-type, whose arbitrary-seeming type-effectiveness match-ups were the cause of much confusion and frustration. Riding Pokemon is a thing that people apparently wanted, because they didn't realize that it would be clunky and unenjoyable. The fact that they are stupid may also have been a contributing factor. Competitive worries aside, Mega Evolution is pretty useful if you want to use one of a small handful of Pokemon to wreck absolutely everything. Not that you'll necessarily need a mega Pokemon to do that. Just about everything has been made easier in this game. I don't think there was a single time in the story where I was in any kind of danger of losing a battle. The new and improved Exp. Share allows all of the Pokemon in your party to get experience, without any being taken from the active Pokemon. Breeding changes and Friend Safaris have made it much easier to get Pokemon with good IVs. Super Training let's even the most plebeian Casualry EV train their Pokemon. The aforementioned increase in the odds of getting a shiny Pokemon is another example of something made easier. There is, however, one thing that stands in stark defiance of the trend towards everything being easier: Hordes.


A horde is when you fight 5 wild Pokemon at the same time. Remember how annoying Zubats were? Now multiply that by 5. That's what a horde is. Because, make no mistake, there are no "normal" hordes. Every single horde will have something about it to make killing it even more annoying than it has any right being. Like paralysis. You better pray to the RNG gods that you aren't fully paralyzed. That goes double for confusion. You may be able to OHKO pokemon that are half your level, but what if they keep lowering your attack? Or, God forbid, your accuracy? And if they have Sturdy, then I hope you brought some reading material, because it's going to take you at least 10 turns to take down those assholes. And to top it all off, since the Pokemon are half your level, they barely even give any experience. Rideable Pokemon was another failed attempt to introduce something cool and new, which ended up just being clunky and unenjoyable.

Not bothering with any kind of transitions, I will now talk about gym leaders. Specifically: I don't really remember them. I think there was an electric gym leader named Clemont? He was a dorky kid who made gadgets and lived in the Eiffel Tower. His name has nothing to do with electricity, so I have no idea how he passed the Gym Leader test. The terrifying thing is that they're all like that. To the best of my knowledge, none of the gym leaders really had pun names, so I guess I'll have to wait another day for Ace Attorney to get my fix. In general, I found most of the characters to be rather forgettable, other than Looker, and one of the Elite Four members that made a particularly strong impression on me. Rather than a singular rival, you're given a whole posse of children that I really couldn't care less about. Though I did get them to call me "H Bomb" as my nickname, and they had some pretty great music, so I guess that's a plus. I also found the main villain to be rather compelling, though I seem to be the only one who thinks so. He wasn't as sympathetic as N, or as deplorable as Ghetsis, but I think he managed to make the story with Team Flare a bit more interesting than some in the past have been.

I feel that I would be remiss if I were to talk about this game and fail to mention how unbelievably French it is. It is no secret that the Kalos region is based on the Fantasy Kingdom of France, similar to how Unova was based on our very own United States. But while the US's influence on Unova was mostly restricted to the existence of a huge, NYC-esque city replete with towering skyscrapers, every bit of Kalos is inundated with French culture. The capital, Lumiose City, is literally Paris. They have a freaking Eiffel Tower, the place is littered with cafes, there's a fancy art museum, everyone has poodles, and people even ride goats as their primary method of getting around. Routes, plazas, and towns are commonly given French names. They even have Stonehenge, complete with an ominous Underhenge.

All in all, if you were considering buying this game, you've probably bought it already. If you were hesitant enough about buying it to wait a week, then perhaps you're better off not playing it. Pokemon is often panned for its inability to keep things fresh and new, and it's especially noticeable in this generation, where there really isn't much to keep the games fresh. At the end of the day, though, it was still a Pokemon game, and I still had fun, even if it wasn't as much as I had hoped. I refuse to give it any kind of quantitative score or grade, such is the extent of my rugged individuality.

Now that that's out of the way, I thought that I might as well share some of the best nicknames that I gave some of my Pokemon. I nicknamed all of them, but I won't share all of them, because I caught more than 100 Pokemon over the course of this game, and so many of them were not given good nicknames. I will also include a small blurb about why I chose the name, or what it means, or something. So, over the course of Pokemon X, I had:

A Greninja named "Slippy Toad". It is a frog, you see.

A Honedge named "Edgeworth". This one was actually my sister's idea. I've never been more proud.

A Talonflame named "Guillotine". I'm actually rather proud of this one. It's a reference to my assertion, earlier on this blog, that execution by Talonflame is the most humane form of execution. Also, it's French.

A Litleo named "Burnin' Leo". I'm sure this is hilarious to those of you familiar with archaic Kirby Mini-bosses.

A Zigzagoon named "Class". Originally, it was supposed to be named "class C0", an esoteric math joke referring to how his stripes are not differentiable. But C0 was censored for some reason, and this is what I ended up with.

A Weedle named "420 hes bi". Rather than try to explain this myself, I'll just leave this here.

A Kecleon named "TheGreatLeon". Sadly, he never dogfought with my Greninja.

An Oddish named "Evenish". I am a weak man.

A Skiddo NOT named "Gogoatse". Evidently, Gamefreak is wise to my tricks. Instead, its name is "Gogrohst", because I don't even know how to spell made up words.

A Spoink named "CaptainHooke". Because jokes about Hooke's Law and springs never go out of fashion.

A Hariyama named "E. Honda". 'nuff said

A Hawlucha named "El Fuerte". I traded this one to my friend. Unfortunately, I did not name any other Pokemon after Street Fighters.

A Streetcar named "Desire". Hahaha jokes.

A Mime Jr. named "Grady Jr.", and a Mr. Mime named "Grady Sr." This is really funny if you remember the names of all the people in Bastion.

A Miltank named "Teatmeat". One of the less pleasant combinations of words I've ever come up with.

An Electrode named "Elecchode". Easily the dirtiest thing I got past the censor.

A Magneton named "Bohr", because there is a real life physical constant called "Bohr's Magneton". This is because Physics is radical.

A Durant named "DurantDurant". Like those music guys

An Aipom named "Raipom". Jesus, whose idea was this?

A Minccino named "Crimson Chin". Because he's a Chinchilla

A Psyduck named "Diesuck". I'm actually surprised I was able to get away with this.

A Plusle named "Anode". I actually got this from a Wonder Trade, and I give the guy an A for effort, but the Anode is actually the negative one.

A Solosis named "Felix Walken", because I'd love to see you figure out why.

I hope that you enjoyed that as much as I loathed not being able to proceed until I gave the 4th new Pokemon on this route some stupid name that I'd just be ashamed of later. Seriously, there are a lot of damn Pokemon in this game.

I Guess This is a Gaming Blog Now

What's something you can say about your homework, but not your girlfriend?



"Is this due tomorrow?"



Well, that sure was a thing that I said during improv. Some rejected ideas were "I have no idea what the hell this all about" and "This thing exists in three dimensions." It was the idea of my secondary content manager to open up with that. She also wanted me to talk about dragons, so there you go. It's good stuff. On a totally unrelated note, I have ensnared a new content manager. Hopefully she'll give me something to talk about soon, because I'm just about out of material. Also, just in case you're wondering why all of my content managers are female, It's because my content managers are actually just all the females I know. And all the females I know, I met by telling them empty promises of how I'd make them an internet star. Like, you know those really shady people who lure young girls with promises of making it big in Hollywood? That's what I'm like.

Well, as it turns out, you can't just give someone a job without them knowing it, and make them do it. Something about a tall guy in a stovepipe hat. So disregard all those things I just said. Except for the Havoc Mantis Approved Method for Picking Up Chicks®. That's canon. It might also be cannon, but don't tell them that.

60% of the time, it works every time

Usually, when I blog a post, I write it about whatever I've been doing recently. The problem with this is that all I've been doing recently is video games and college stuff, and I don't particularly care to write about either of those. Instead, I guess I am opting to talk about why I will not talk about those things. The games I've been playing recently are Shin Megami Tensei IV and Fire Emblem Awakening. Trying to describe Shin Megami Tensei IV without spoiling anything would be akin to trying to navigate a minefield while wearing clown shoes. Except in this analogy, the mines are spoilers, and the clown shoes are a metaphor for my painful ineptitude at clearly expressing ideas (e.g. this analogy). Wikipedia beautifully demonstrates this with its use of the word "seemingly". Protip: If you say that something is "seemingly" something else, that means that it is actually not something else. For example: "Wikipedia is seemingly a trustworthy source of information where you can learn about things without spoilers, as long as you don't look too close at the plot summary." As far as Fire Emblem goes, I've done that before, and it wasn't pretty. Then again, someone who may or may not have been Albert Einstein said that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Maybe if I try again, things will be different. And that's why I keep asking people to tell me things to write about.

Actually, screw it. Spoilers be damned. I'm going to say a few things about SMT IV. First of all, it's pretty damn good. If you're a fan of JRPGs, I recommend that you check it out. Playing the first three is not necessary, (or, indeed, even legal in the US, as no official English translation has been released for the first two) but I think that playing the first one before playing IV enhanced my experience in a number of ways. If you've read this far, and you're still wondering what the hell Shin Megami Tensei even is, allow me to back up and explain. Basically, it is an RPG series with a billion spin-off series, (including, most notably, Persona) and the most prevalent thing they all have in common is demons. In Shin Megami Tensei, you fight, summon, converse with, fuse, and ogle demons. In SMT IV, for example, there are over 400 demons, and almost every one is based on some monster, god, hero, or other being from real world mythology. It is, in essence, Mythology porn.

Perhaps in more ways than one

You know Grendel, the monster that Beowulf slays? He's in there. Kicked the shit out of me when I first met him. Remember The Lady of the Lake, the "watery tart" who gave Excalibur to King Arthur, formally abolishing democracy in England? What about the three fates of Greek Mythology, who can be fused together into the Norse Goddess of Mythology, because why the hell not? And if you've ever wanted to memorize the 9 orders of angels of Judeo-Christian Lore, then I think this game could certainly help you with that. What's that, you ask? Christian elements are included as well? Well, I don't want to get into too many spoilers, but I'll just say that I'd really like to know what would happen if you got one of those religious types who decry Harry Potter for promoting witchcraft, and got them to play this game. And, as an aside, playing this game while taking a class in Theology is not advised. Unless you are literally playing in the middle of lecture. That is a USDA choice idea.

The United States Department of Agriculture is in no way affiliated with this asshole.

Well, now I've exhausted everything to say about that, but I'm not quite confident in how long this post is, so I'll talk about what it's like to be in college. Now, while it is true that I was in college last year, Jesus Christ this year is so much more college than last year. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm taking real classes this year. Everyone always rolled their eyes at me when I implied that Calc I, Calc II, and Engineering Physics I aren't "real classes", but they're actually pretty easy when you've learned all the stuff before, even if you aren't a prodigy. But things ain't the same this year. It probably doesn't help that both my Calculus III and Principles of Math classes are taught by the same professor, whom I'll call “Dr. Marx” for the sake of anonymity, because he's the final boss of Math. (Everyone here's played Kirby Super Star, right?) He's a great teacher, but when he does math, he does it hardcore, and not many can keep up. Whenever he asks the class a question, it results in more awkward silences than a Doctor Who convention for the socially disadvantaged. Though I doubt Dr. Marx would approve of such a redundant statement. I also have a Physics professor who is not very good at explaining things, and I'm not very good at learning things from books, and everyone in my class has even less of an idea of what's going on than I do. The professor is also a woman, which I am mentioning despite the fact that it is in no way humorous or relevant. Which, looking back, could probably describe a lot of this post.

Natalis Felix Diem

We've now graduated from Greek to Latin titles. I guess that means this is my last post, because I really have no idea what comes after that. Elvish?

For those of you not fortunate enough to have taken a semester of high school Latin, today's totally-weird title means “Happy Birthday”. Or maybe it's “Happy Birthday to you”? I don't know, it was only a semester. All I really remember from Latin is the Pledge of Allegiance in Latin, which is somehow even more creepy than the regular Pledge of Allegiance, because everyone knows that everything said in Latin is a binding truth. That's why Rome's Senate failed. Politicians are crooked. Zing

I am saying “Happy Birthday” because it is someone's birthday today. I mean, it's always someone's birthday, but today is the birthday of someone close to me. That's right, it's none other than my mysterious content manager! Oh, and my sister as well, I guess. And maybe Satan? Because of taxes. I really, really hope that I manage to complete this before the end of April 15^th, or else that bit about Satan is going to seem really silly.

So... Happy Birthday? I haven't really planned on what to say after that, but I have a reputation to uphold. I can't just stop typing as soon as I run out of things to say, or I'd be more silent that Madame Kovarian.

Happy Birthday! Here's a reference you won't get!

Every paragraph so far as started out kind of related to birthdays, then wildly veered off to some barely related topic. This post has more tangents than... umm... a function that is differentiable on the interval (-∞,∞)? Except, you know, hyperbole. While ∞<3 might be some schmuck's idea of a cute math joke, it is not a mathematically valid statement, so I feel it necessary to include a disclaimer acknowledging that my statement is not literally true, merely an exaggeration made for comedic effect, because any mention of math automatically makes for side-splitting entertainment. I'd hate for my math professors to stumble upon this blog and judge my skills based on a joke. Actually, I can think of a few more pressing reasons why I'd be uncomfortable with future professors reading this. I'm sure you regular readers know what I'm talking about. Perhaps even those with bowel troubles, as well. Speaking of which...

Oh! Sorry! I should have clarified. I was referring to unwanted readers. Not bowel troubles. I'm afraid you'll have to go somewhere else to sort those out. I am fresh out of advice on the matter. In an event that would probably be described as ironic by someone out there, my parents happened to discover my blog. Right after that post where I specifically mentioned how awkward it would be if they ever found it. So, while that whole thing about this being the last post was a joke, it actually might be a very real possibility.

Of course, I am only joking. I know that I shouldn't toy with my readers' emotions like that, as I know that many of you have come to rely on me as a source of comfort and wisdom. But there will probably be some changes. First of all, I'll probably put a stop to mentioning Katawa Shoujo, or at least severely limit mentions. The reasons for this are pretty obvious if you know what that is. If you don't, then I'd recommend that you don't worry about. Just rest assured that it's totally legal (I was 18 when I downloaded it.) But just so we're clear, I'm not being forced to do this. It has nothing to do with my parents. I'm doing this because I want to, not because I have to. Beyond that, there probably won't be any major changes, because my parents are actually pretty cool, loathe as I am to admit it. If my grandmother, on the other hand, were to find this... I don't know what I would do if my grandmother read the word “asshole”, and she knew that it was me who typed it. It would be wrong. More wrong than ∞<3. Hahaha just kidding, math grad schools.

See, Content Manager? This is what happens when I don't have someone to tell me what to do. Chaos, and anarchy, and nonsense. I mean, even more than usual. Oh, by the way, I hope it's okay for me to give your birthday to everyone on the internet. You know what they say: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, and, as it turns out, it's even easier to not do either of those things. In the unlikely event that your secret identity is discovered, just let me know if the paparazzi gets over-excited. I'll have them dealt with.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post. Sorry it wasn't the best, but it's the thought that counts, right? I certainly hope my sister thinks so, at least...

σ

Oh, did you not get the memo? All titles are Greek letters now. Greek letters are cool.

The reason for the sigma in the title of this post is shockingly unrelated to Zero Escape. Rather, it is a reference to standard deviation, a concept of dubious relevance to the subject matter of this post. Really, I just thought it'd be a hoot if I kept putting Greek letters in my titles. And then everyone would be all like "Havoc, why are you doing that, that's so weird!" And I'd be all like "Haha, you know me, I'm totally a free spirit". Remember this. You will be tested on it.

Rather recently, a friend of mine dealt a serious wound to my honor, one that, as a gentleman, I could not allow. She called into question my weirdness. And no, she isn't my content manager, surprising as that might be. She even had the nerve to imply that she and our mutual friend (Who is also a girl. I'm sure your disbelief is all kinds of unsuspended right now, but please bear with me.) are weirder than me. This led me to challenge her, attempting to prove that I was the more unusual. However, I was easily bested, and as any gentleman would, I admitted defeat when I knew victory was unattainable. I may be eccentric, but I'm no parabola (This joke relies on you knowing that a parabola is an ellipse with an eccentricity of 1, the maximum possible. Conic sections). I've still a ways to go before I reach the tier of sympathizing with necrophiliacs.

Despite that juicy bit of slander I just made public, (or is it libel? You'd think I'd have learned by now, but I always have to ask the judge which it is this time.) I still have a chance against the other one. So I shall lay bare all the things that I think make me weird here, and let you, the disinterested reader, be the judge. In an effort to not be an unsalvageable asshole, I'd rather not say any of the "weird" things my opponent lays claim to, but believe me when I say they're pretty tame-sauce. And not just because that helps me win. I totally believe that I could win this, even if the judges were aware of my opponent's habit of tenderly embracing doors and whispering sweet nothings into their hinges whenever she opens them. (FULL DISCLOSURE: That was a joke. That's not a thing. Please don't get angry with me. I'm being so sincere right now.)

Don't worry, baby. It's just me and you.  Nothing will ever come between us.

Well, I guess I'll just list these out, in no particular order. You had better not think these are in a particular order, because you'd be wrong, and that would make me sad. While this list is by no means exhaustive, it is quite extensive, as you might expect. This is actually my longest post to date, so if you've got somewhere to be, or any will to better yourself, you might want to skip this one out.

I play D&D. Kind of. Sometimes. I've briefly mentioned my incompetent DM before, (might as well stand for Dumb Motherf– Well, you get the idea.) and he is the primary source of my hesitation to say that I play D&D. Honestly, D&D by itself isn't terribly weird. OK, yes it kind of is. Of all the nerdy hobbies, it's one of the few that has gained very little mainstream acceptance, despite how pretty rad it is. But like a Porky Pig made of antimatter, that's not all, folks! You see, for me, D&D is kind of like Pokemon. I have more fun thinking about it than actually playing it, and it's mostly because of the people I play with (In the case of Pokemon, it's "People who are better than me"). Most of the enjoyment I derive from D&D comes from making characters. Choosing stats and class and race are part of it, yes, but the real thrill comes from the backstory. I get a thrill out of creating characters with intricately crafted pasts, dreams, and motivations, despite the knowledge that I will likely never use them. And I think that's pretty weird.

Sometimes I just look at the sky. I can't really say when it began. Pretty recently. Can't really say why. Certainly a weeaboo thing, so some time in the last year. As an aside, I'd just like to say that I have no idea how "Weeaboo" is spelled, so I may vary it wildly. The sky is a pretty big thing in Japan, it would seem, so it could be from any number of things. Rin, my not-waifu according to the same friend that prompted this post, is a strong contender, since she is the sky. And, honestly, the fact that I read (played? I really don't know what verb is used with visual novels) that whole thing (You know. The one with the boobs but it's totally not all about boobs I swear you guys.) is a testament to my weirdness, in my opinion.

Mai Waifu 

I might just give actual dollars to anyone who can explain the joke in that picture in the comments. It's a stretch, but I believe in you guys.

This one isn't really weird, it's more just unfathomably stupid and sad. Seriously, don't read this on the day of your wedding. If you start crying, it could give off the wrong messages. Because I commute to school by public transportation, I often do a lot of blog-writing there, because what else am I going to do? Schoolwork? (I think it's interesting to note that my word processor tries to autocomplete “school” to “schoolgirls”. Not that that's weird or anything...) Obviously, any reasonable person would do this writing in a word processor, as I implied, because that's what they do. They process words, and mine need all the processing they can get before they can be deemed presentable. But I've never much cared for present-ability, so I made the questionable decision to type my manifesto directly into the blogger window. I mean, having to copy and paste from a word processor to the internet would be lame. Well, public transportation doesn't have Wi-fi on it for some reason, so there was no way for me to save my progress. So if my laptop were to hypothetically pull a surprise reboot on me, it's pretty likely that all my work would be erased. I know of this likelihood, because that's exactly what happened. So I just want you to remember that for every joke that made the cut, there was a treasure trove of comedy gold cruelly taken by my harpy of a laptop. Thanks to it, you'll never know about the wicked rap battle I participated in, or how I managed to use the hilariously incongruous phrase "go-getter" while rapping.

While Anti-Porky has likely been annihilated by now, that's still not all, folks! There's one more unusual aspect of D&D that I feel I could stand to mention. I've actually referred to it earlier on this blog, as a testament to my "nerdiness", but because weirdness is integral (get it? like math) to nerdiness, I figure it would be appropriate here as well. You see, once upon a time, I was watching an anime, and I found myself empathizing with one of the characters. Except it wasn't me. It was my D&D character, whom I wasn't even role-playing at the time. But I'm just kidding with you. That wasn't true at all. It actually happened twice. And I suppose that, because the subject of shared feeling was a burning hatred towards humanity, I myself also empathized. The second instance involved friendship, so I needn't tell you that my ego was quite silent on the matter.

Xyphlan the Dragonborn Cleric sheds a tear on your behalf.

This next one is kind of risky, as it leaves open the possibility for people to obtain personal information about me. However, if you're Dan Browning my blog in an effort to know more about me, I'm sure that the shame you must feel is harsher than any punishment that could possibly be levied by a court of law. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I type various first names into an anagram generator, along with my last name. The ones that result in good anagrams are saved, so I can use them to name my children if I ever have them. As you've probably guessed by now, I have a real thing for readying myself for situations that I know won't happen. "Be Prepared" and all that. I have several good ones, but I fear that if I give multiple away, they could be used to reverse engineer my last name, which could result in crimes being leveled against my person. But if I ever do have a son, I'll likely name him in such a way that his first and last name will be an anagram of "Craven Dick Fire", which is the best anagram for a name since, well Havoc Mantis.

In high school, I played in concert band. The Bb clarinet was my instrument of choice. Every year, over the summer, we went on a "band tour", where we basically just went on a field trip for a couple of days. Every once in a while, about every four years, we went on a really big trip, one to a faraway location that actually involved playing as a band, since that's what we were. For my big band tour, I went to Hawaii, to play in honor of the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. While that's all well and good, what's relevant to this post is that some time the year before, my band director had a fundraiser where we were selling Hawaiian Leis. She also gave one to each of the band members at a football game (we were a marching band as well). She told us to hold on to them over the weekend, so I tied it to my clarinet case. Monday came, and she forgot about it. The week passed. Nothing. Days, weeks, months went by, and she said nothing. When we went on band tour, (funny story: I slept in an airport) nothing. I kept that lei tied to my clarinet for probably two whole years. And I probably would have visited her on her deathbed, asking what it was that she wanted me to do with that lei, were it not for the time that I accidentally left it on the aforementioned public transportation, and I found it removed when the case was recovered. I'd just like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the commuters who boldly and compassionately ignored the posters telling them to report suspicious packages. You're all real life-savers. That line about sarcastically congratulating commuters is basically the only thing keeping this dreadfully dull paragraph from being cut.

Aw, to hell with it. I guess Katawa Shoujo is the new thing for me to bring up at even the slightest prompting. But every instance helps my case, I feel, because, well... it's pretty weird. Anyway, I started running awhile back. Like following a schedule, and habitually running, just for the sake of running. And it was because of KS. This, in and of itself, is kind of weird, I feel, but what's even weirder is what didn't motivate me to do the same. One of the required merit badges for the Eagle Scout rank is the Personal Fitness merit badge, which requires, among other things, that the recipient be personally fit. This includes working out and stuff, I guess. But I didn't, really. I still weaseled my way into becoming an Eagle Scout, because it seriously isn't that hard, but really think about that. I was motivated to work out by doing it for some imaginary "her", but the highest honor in all of Boy Scouting was not a sufficient incentive. Aren't those priorities a little... weird?

I listen almost exclusively to soundtracks. I've been doing this for long enough that I hardly even register it as weird, even though it likely is. But my musical tastes are just a segue to the real heart of the matter. But before that, I just need you to listen to this song really quick. Now, did that remind you of anything, besides the eternal darkness that promises to deaden all love and life, only requiring enough time to make good on its dread purpose? A particular song, perhaps? If you answered Carly Rae Jepson's "Call Me Maybe", then stop reading this, future-me. Go do whatever it is that you're procrastinating. If, however, you are a more reasonable individual, you may notice something curious: Those songs aren't even kind of similar. At least, that's what you probably think. But, if you pay really close attention, you'll find that the part where Carly says “I threw a wish in the well, don't ask me, I'll never tell.” is similar to the part in Magia where they sing in some fantasy language (Hebrew, maybe?). I'll have you know, I've taken a semester and a half of music theory. I know how to spell “appoggiatura”, so I know what I'm talking about. (NOTE: The only hard and fast rule about spelling “appahggutura” is that it has two p's, two g's, and some other letters. This is music fact.)


I hate fanning. Loathe it, really. You could even say I abhor it. Hell, you could say as many verbs as the thesaurus allows you, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader. You know that thing that people sometimes do when it's hot out, and they have a piece of paper, and they use it to push air at their face? Whenever I see someone do that, I feel angry. Perhaps even disgusted. Why do I so despise the innocuous action of keeping oneself cool? I have identified two possible contributing factors to this phenomenon. As anyone who's ever played an instrument will probably tell you, performing can get hotter than your celebrity crush of choice (I refuse to acknowledge the attractiveness of people). While you're playing up a sweat in a ridiculously heavy uniform, you catch a glimpse of motion out of the corner of your eye. No, it's not the conductor; he's firmly outside of your field of vision. In the audience, you see some impudent asshole, fanning himself with the program, while you can never do the same. He has the audacity to imply that his temperature is more uncomfortable. But as you glare at him through sweat-blurred eyes, noting his not-playing-an-instrument and relative lack of clothing (ahem), he just taunts you with his ability to keep himself cool. The second contributing factor to my irrational dislike of manual air conditioning is from Boy Scouts. You see, at summer camp, there's this thing where all these old white guys dress up as Native Americans. I know it sounds weird when I put it like that, because that's exactly what happens, and it is indeed very much weird. Anyway, all these elder folk have fancy regalia, which often includes fans, which they put to practical use. But as a meager underling, I've no fan, so I can take no respite from the huge-ass bonfire that was built in a summer camp. So, as before I am put in a situation where I am forced to impotently watch as other people fan themselves, while I can't. And that really burns my poffins.

You think you're better than me? What a smug asshole

Finally, we come to the most compelling reason of all: this blog. It's a well researched fact that all bloggers are insane, a special case of weird. Actually, the studies involved needed only a few observations to prove this result by induction, (Which is actually a form of deduction, because screw you for thinking you know anything) so they presumably spent their leftover grant money on some dope-ass gyroscopes. I am no exception to this theorem of insanity (as I just conveniently verified). In fact, I believe that I may stand out even among bloggers for my weirdness. I mean, I named two consecutive posts after Greek letters. I frequently admit to having seen depicted naked bodies of handicapped persons. On purpose. Through a medium that I will inevitably link my parents to, as soon as I forget to exclude them from my Facebook posts. I once stated that libertarians are opposed to wisdom teeth removal. I've implicated myself in more crimes than I even know the names for. But here's the real kicker, the coup de grace: Someone said they were weirder than me, and I CARED. I cared enough about this accusation to write more than 2500 words defending my position. That's more than one word for every year since Jesus was kicking around. That's certainly more than I've ever written for any kind of school paper. Maybe more than all my school papers combined. And here I am, still going. Because being crazy isn't like being drunk. If you know you're drunk, that means you're not drunk (That's how it works... right?) But even if you know you're crazy, you're still crazy.


But hey, you're the one who read all those words. Who's crazy now? (Gary Busey, if my pop culture references are still up to snuff.)

Post Scriptum: I didn't really intend to have so many recurring themes (Band, Boy Scouts, Disability Girls). It just kind of happened that way.

Post Post Scriptum: Abbreviations are for chumps.

μ3

For the small percentage of my target audience that is not comprised of native Greek Pokemon fans, this post is about the new Pokemon that was recently revealed, bearing a strong aesthetic resemblance to Mewtwo. Dubbed "Mewthree" by basically everyone, there is some debate about whether it is an alternate forme, an evolution, or a different Pokemon entirely. But it has been confirmed by Word of God that it is indeed related to Mewtwo in some way, so we shouldn't end up with another Alomamola crisis on our hands. Judging by the way that he is referred to as a new Pokemon with some connection to Mewtwo, it seems unlikely that he's a new form. And we can infer that he probably isn't an evolved form because that would be absolutely unacceptable. And we all know that Game Freak only makes decisions that are at least marginally acceptable. Right?

It was definitely those piercing, powerful eyes that tipped me off.

Whatever it is... I don't think I like it. On the other hand, I find myself inclined to reserve judgment until I know more about its competitive viability, which means that I've rescinded any right to have any opinion on a  Pokemon's appearance. In fact, I am now having something of an internal crisis, brought about by questioning whether or not I like this Pokemon. Its appearance does a rather nice job of evoking the idea of a genetically engineered superweapon, but if there's one complaint I have, it's that goddamned head-tail. I don't know why but it's just... not OK. Perhaps the argument could be made that the unease evoked by GodDamned Head-Tail (referred to as GDHT from now on) is intentional, and that it was purposely designed to push the boundaries of the uncanny valley or something. But that's obviously taking it way too seriously. This is Pokemon: a game for children. GameFreak doesn't do things on purpose.

Backtracking to what I said earlier, it seems likely to me that this new Pokemon is meant to be some kind of genetically engineered monster, much like Mewtwo, who(m?) was created by optimizing Mew's genes for combat, as I'm sure you didn't need me to remind you. This coincides interestingly with the titles of the new games, "X and Y", which some have speculated to refer to X and Y chromosomes. As you likely know, the X and Y chromosomes are the ones that determine a person's sex (or gender, if you prefer being wrong). Females have two X chromosomes, and males have an X and a Y. If my imaginary/real prediction falls through the cracks, (Click here to read more about that, and be whisked away to a magical realm where I was actually funny) then my backup prediction is that the next Pokemon Generation will focus on Sex Warfare. If you're searching for a band name, that one's on the house. In much the same way that Pokemon Black and White was an allegory for civil rights and racism, Pokemon X and Y will mirror women's rights and suffrage. How GameFreak explores this is entirely up to them, but I'd appreciate it if they explained how the Hitmon- evolutionary line reproduces. I mean, they're all guys, so they can't breed with each other. Female-only Pokemon like Chansey can get around this limitation by sexing it up with Pokemon of other species, because children are always the same species as the mother. But for males, such sluttishness does nothing for the continuation of the species. The only way to solve this problem is by saying that ever single Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, and Hitmontop is the son of a Ditto. The lesson is that the Pokemon universe is an engine, and debauchery is its fuel.

Feel free to imagine this Pokemon sexing it up, real inter-species-like.  Also, notice how way too small her face is.

Since I've already strayed so far from Mewthree into the somewhat charted waters of XY general discussion, I'd like to bring up this asshole:

I am expressing dissatisfaction with your appearance, sir.

The internet has been abuzz with discussion of this Pokemon, the newest evolution of Eevee. Because GameFreak absolutely hates everyone who plays their games, they've refused to reveal this Pokemon's type yet, but I can rigorously prove that there is absolutely no way I will be satisfied with this thing's typing. As much as I'd like to be proven wrong, the math is incontestable. The way I see it, it has 4 possible types, and I will exhaustively explain why each one is lame:

1. Normal-type. As I see it, this is the most likely type, because look at it. It looks like someone pasted an Audino texture onto a generic Eeveelution template. There are some people who say that its color scheme is the same as Victini's, and to those people I'd like to say that I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. In addition to the color, the ribbons seem to suggest normalcy to me. I can't really say why. I don't think I need to expound on why a normal type Eevee evolution would be lame. Normal is a lame type, for starters. The entire point of eevee is that it evolves to adapt to its environment. That's kind of how it got its name. So to what is Sylveon adapting? Is it purposely becoming cuter so that trainers will choose it more? That... actually kind of makes a lot of sense. But it's still lame.
2. Some type other than normal. You might be wondering how there can be two more possible types when I've already included every type. The answer may surprise you. The main reason that it would be lame if it were some other type is that it doesn't look like any other type. Eeveelutions are supposed to have a design that suggests their type. What other type could this be? Dragon? I'm not really a fashionista, so I wouldn't know if ribbons were the most draconian of all accessories, but I'm pretty sure that ribbons are rather low on the big list of design choices that imply that something is a dragon. No other type comes to mind.
3. Dual-type. Some people think they've come up with a clever workaround for the "It doesn't look like any type" problem by saying "Maybe it has two types!". These people have made poor life choices. By giving it two types, that just means that it has TWO types that it doesn't resemble, which actually doesn't circumvent the problem, but make it worse instead. This is known in the engineering community as "bad".
4. New type. OK. Here we go. A lot of people cling to the delusional hope that there will be a new type, and that Sylveon will have that type. I think that won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't. And here's why: It's too late for a new type. If a new type were created, it would be greatly outnumbered by all other types, even if a few older pokemon were retconned with new types, like Magnemite. In addition, there's no real need for a new type. What would it be? The favorite is usually "light", but how would that work, effectiveness-wise? It would probably be good against dark and ghost. Maybe dragon? What would it resist? Dark and Steel were introduced in the second gen to curb the ridiculous overpoweredness of psychic. I'm already running way too long, and I'm too angry about this to really make any jokes, so the specifics of why psychic was so OP will be left out. There is no reason for a light type. Another suspect is "sound", which is similarly dubious. How would its type effectiveness match up? I guess it could be neutral against everything, like sonic boom, but that would be overpowered and also dumb. To top it off, there isn't really much about Sylveon's design that suggests any conceivable type. He just has a bunch of fleshy tentacles and a bow... tie... Sylveon is Time type. Since Sylveon is the 9^th Pokemon in the Eevee evolutionary line, (including Eevee himself) I guess that makes him Chris Eccleston. Unless another Eevee is also revealed, in which case he could be David Tennant, which would be YES.

Speaking of the possibility of there being another Eeveelution: That “possibility” had better get upgraded to a “certainty” right quick if Gamefreak doesn't want me to threaten their pets. I may be a decent man, but all bets are off when it comes to preserving the parity of Pokemon. The number of Eeveelutions must always be odd, lest dire penalties be suffered. God Forbid GameFreak actually tries to change their games for once.

Back With a Vengeance

Well! I've managed to remember this “tumblr” thing, which is quite an accomplishment, considering how good I am at forgetting things. I recently made an unreasonably large post on my Facebook, and because I am incapable of getting back all that lost time, I might as well make the most of it. Failing that, I guess I’ll post it here. And, despite the warning at the beginning, and my best intentions, this was not serious at all. Though it is said that there is a bit of truth behind every “Just kidding”, so… keep that in mind, if you like. 

WARNING: This post is too long, somewhat serious (?), and probably not coherent. If you don't have time for that, (And The Internet assures me that "Ain't nobody got time for dat") then just don't read. 

I would like introduce you to the unsolicited first post of "Real Talk -- With Havoc Mantis". May it be the first of very few.

Today I'm going to talk about a rather serious topic, completely unprovoked. I assure you, there is no clear path through the complicated machinations of my brain that led me to this. This is not vaguebooking, this is not a cry for help. This is not a passive-aggressive jab at someone I know (As a tangent, this is mathematically impossible. The fundamental theorem of passive-aggressive behavior states that it jabs cannot be taken at empty sets.) I'm being so sincere right now.

Now that I've wasted a whole mess of words without even revealing what I'm talking about, I might as well get to the point. And the point is "Unrequited Love". I suppose a definition is in order. As you may have noticed, "to requit" is not even a real verb. No one has ever used it in any context other than the phrase "Unrequited Love". Ever. Much like the verb "to wreak" is only used in conjunction with "havoc". "Unrequited" basically means "not reciprocated", which is a pretty poor definition, since I now must define the word "reciprocated" in this context. "Love" means... well... you know. Everyone knows what "love" means, yet no one can actually define it. Like Mathematics. Just one of the many ways in which math is similar to, and therefore an adequate replacement for, love. So "Unrequited love" basically refers to a situation in which person A loves person B, but person B does not love person A, or else is ignorant to person A's feelings. I'm sure you already knew this, and it was absolutely unnecessary for me to spend an entire month's rations of quotation marks.

Do you think these things grow on trees?

Now, unrequited love is a common trope, a staple of romantic tragedies (That's a genre, right?). Examples of it are omnipresent in popular culture, like... well... hmmmm... okay, so I can't think of a single example off the top of my head that won't out me as a weeaboo. But this is why they invented the internet: so people don't have to know about things to form opinions on them. A quick Googling reminds me of Snape's admiration of Lily Potter, and the relationship between The Doctor and Martha Jones, although most of the Doctor's companions work to some extent. (The fact that I didn't think of Doctor Who on my own pains me greatly, as that's usually the kind of thing that I think about.) Apparently "A Midsummer Night's Dream" also included this as a theme, stuffed somewhere between a donkey named "Bottom" and beating Inception to the punch.

A quick survey of instances of unrequited love reveals a common trend: The recipient of the affection (person B, hereafter referred to as "The Beloved") is portrayed in a negative light. The giver of affection (Person A, hereafter referred to as "The Lover") is often presented as a virtuous soul, whose passion is cruelly scorned by the beloved. What's that, you say? None of the examples I've given are like that? Well, how about Rosaline, the girl that Romeo was desperately in love with before he met Juliet? I assure you that she is indeed a real character, and I did not just make that up. She even has her own Wikipedia page, curiously enough.

You know, I'm not so sure Romeo made the right choice after all.

So, now that I've hammered out a rambling arrangement of words eclipsing many of my college papers, and can feel my willpower dwindling, I suppose I should... something. I guess the punchline is that unrequited love is a two-way street of suffering, as long as the beloved is aware of the situation, and is not a complete monster. If the beloved is oblivious, then they can hardly be considered guilty, and if they are just awful, then they just shouldn't be loved in the first place. The beloved suffers, because the are faced with an impossible choice: Break the heart of the lover, or string them along for awhile, then break their heart. Appeasing the lover will only delay the inevitable catastrophe of rejection, analogous to how breathing will only postpone death, but never prevent it. Normally, I am all in favor of procrastination, but in this case, (since I don't actually have to do it) it is the greater of two evils. Everyone hates a tease. Once the lover has attained the object of their affection, they will rise higher than ever before, and fall so much further when it ends.

"But what if the beloved comes to love the lover?" you may ask, seemingly hell-bent on depleting my supply of question marks, as well. Simply put, that probably won't happen. In my unfounded opinion, it's more likely that the lover will stop loving the beloved, once the beloved changes from a perfect ideal to an actual person. The small chance of a happy relationship just isn't worth the risk of crushing despair. Although I may be biased, in that I have more or less given up on the hope of having a happy relationship, and... wow. I am so, so sorry. Let's all just agree to not think about how sad that sounded.

If you've come this far looking for an Aesop, I guess it's that, before you love someone, you should make sure they requit. The person whom you have a crush on is just that: a person. They are entitled to their own opinions on whether or not you would make a good couple, and it is quite unlikely that they are rejecting you so that they may drink your tears (note that I said unlikely, not impossible). Although, if you were hoping for something useful to come of this, then I fear you don't know me terribly well. But that can be just as much of a blessing as a curse. In breaking news, it turns out that "to requit" literally isn't a word. It's "requite", and "unrequited" is pronounced with a vowel sound not unlike that found in "aight". I'm not sure I've ever actually heard the phrase "unrequited love" spoken aloud, (As I am quite averse to being spoken aloud to) so I'm not quite sure why I believed so strongly that it was pronounced with a short "i". And thus, another nail in the coffin of the scientific credibility of Robert Sheldrake.

As a side note, I would like to contemplate the possibility that I am a "beloved" in an unrequited love situation to which I am unaware. While I am confident that such a hypothetical is almost surely (mathematical definition) not the case, I bring it up for the sake of completionism. If there really were some being out there pining for me, I would advise that they cease. There is nothing here for you, except pain and tragedy. I want something more for you than that. And if such a person were to confess to me, I would just like them to know that, if a horrible accident were to reduce me to a mangled corpse, it is totally legit. You see, I, um, I was once prophesized to meet a terrible end, should I ever be confronted by a secret admirer. It is absolutely absurd to believe that I faked my death to avoid having to hurt someone, so don't even try suggesting that to the cops. Because such a gambit would only result in the grief of more people, and I am nothing if not a rational, empathy-having, non-sociopathic human.

Pictured: The kind of person who chooses to be known as "Havoc Mantis"

Man. This is... contemptible. I've written unnecessarily long posts on Facebook before, but this? This really takes the cake. My sincerest apologies, for subjecting you to reading this. Doubly so for anyone expecting any kind of discourse that even pretended to be serious. This post... kind of got away from me. Regardless, let this stand as a testament to the danger of free time, and the perils of holiday vacation. I look forward to reading this in years to come, when I might laugh at the foolishness of past me, and look forward to further foolishness.

To those of you who read this to the end: Congratulations! Thanks to the aforementioned Fundamental Theorem of Passive Aggressive Behavior, you are immune to my shenanigans!

Shortly after posting it, I left the following comment:

([Havoc Mantis] is a straight up lunatic. He has murdered the abstract concept of “context”)

A reference to Randall Monroe’s fabulous webcomic, xkcd.

Now, I really hope that I’m able to edit tumblr posts after I’ve made them. If not, let these uncentered pictures stand as a testament to my naivete. 

Special Blogspot Note: I never did learn how to center photos. Or caption them, or even give them mouse-over text. But everything's OK now.