Well,
it's no longer summer, which means that school is starting back up.
As a natural consequence, I no longer get any sleep. And from this,
we can infer that I'll start blogging again, because only sleep
deprivation can make up for the sense of humor that I seem to have
left in my other pants. Now, I know that just about every other post
contains an apology for how long it's been since my last post, but
this marks the end of the longest hiatus this blog has ever been on,
so I felt the occasion deserved a special mention.
As
you can clearly see from the fact that I've been sitting here for
roughly 20 minutes without typing anything, on my third attempt to
write a post since the last one I published, I have ceased to be
funny. Or rather, I have ceased to be funny on this blog. I assure
you, this never happens in any other facet of my life. I'm still just
as capable of hellishly clever Facebook comments as I always have
been. My internet friends are routinely astounded by my ability to
amuse them by mentioning things they know about. I recently performed
improvisational comedy so laudably that I was paid a dollar to take
my shirt off. That's how you know they like it.
Yeah,
I tried to write two other posts previous to this, but didn't finish
them because they were more boring than an asteroid mining station.
Because there is no book funnier than a thesaurus. The first one was
basically just humorlessly describing a bunch of stuff I've done
recently. (Did you know that there's now a second Machine of Death? I
sure did!) I also mentioned the special $30 credit you get from the
Nintendo eShop if you register both Fire Emblem Awakening and Shin
Megami Tensei IV. In fact, I may need to sell a copy of SMT IV soon.
It's a pretty cool game. And by cool, I mean it's not hot. And by
hot, I mean stolen. Which it is not.
The
other post was about mega Pokemon, but that just kind of devolved
into me bitching about competitive stuff. Mega Pokemon, in case you
were lucky enough to not know, are a new aspect of Pokemon that's
halfway between a new form and a proper evolution. "Mewthree",
whom I wrote about earlier, turned out to be a Mega Evolution of
Mewtwo. A few others have been announced, like Mega Lucario, Mega
Blaziken, Mega Ampharos, and some others. Also, Mega Kangaskahn, who,
I shit you not, is just regular Kangaskahn, except the baby is
outside the pouch. Fighting alongside the mother. It takes a special
amount of effort to combine child abuse and animal abuse into a new
game mechanic, but it's an effort that Game Freak thought was worth
it. Speaking of effort, it sounds like there's finally going to be an
in-game explanation of effort values. You can call me Dean Kamen,
from the way I'm making segues (He's the inventor of the segway, to
save you a trip to Google, and he died by falling off of a cliff on
his own invention, in a way that is totally not funny or being made
fun of by me.) Actually, I don't really have anything else to say about
that, so I guess that was kind of a segue to nowhere. Ahem.
I
think it's cute that people hope that Mega Ampharos will finally make
him competitively viable, because he definitely won't be. The funny
thing about Mega Pokemon is that you can only have one on a team at a
time. Which means that Mega Ampharos will have to compete with far
superior Pokemon for a single team slot. Exacerbating this problem is
the fact that, while all the other Mega Pokemon revealed thus far
were given great abilities like Speed Boost, Adaptability, Huge
Power, and Magic Bounce, Ampharos was given Mold Breaker, which will
help him break through the Lightningrod Seakings that no doubt
terrorize the NU tier. Add to that the fact that he looks exactly
like a normal Ampharos, but with romance novel hair, and I just don't
like him.
 |
Look
at that frown. Not even he likes his hair.
|
Also,
he's a dragon type, because, you know, why the hell not? Actually,
that's not a rhetorical question, because it's one I'm about to
answer: Because he used to be a sheep. Sheep do not turn into
dragons. That is precisely why the hell not. In fact, I'm going to
put out a bounty of sorts. If anyone can satisfactorily explain why
Ampharos is a dragon, I'll give you some kind of reward. I'm going to
go right ahead and say that the fact that his Japanese name
translates to "Thunder Dragon" is not satisfactory. I'm
willing to wager that they decided to name him that because he was a
dragon. It seems unlikely that they decided to name it "dragon",
then thought "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if this thing were like,
a dragon?" Also, Magikarp gets a free pass for turning into a
dragon, because carp do turn into dragons in China, so it's all cool.
To
summarize, Mega Evolutions made me pretty mad.
 |
This
isn't your average, everyday mad. This is... butt mad.
|
Speaking of butts, did you know that Miley Cyrus has one of those? No one on the internet believed it until fairly recently, but there is now documented, empirical evidence to support this theory. I'm sure you're all thrilled to know this.
I think that time machines might be indelibly linked with telephones. Why do I think this? Well, there's the phone box time machine on my T-shirt that's being reflected onto my laptop screen as I type this, for one. Furthermore, of the 4 shows I can think of that heavily involve time travel, 3 have phones with special temporal abilities. Doctor Who is the most obvious one, and all three of the others are anime. Steins;Gate is about a mad scientist who somehow invents a cell phone that sends texts back in time, and Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) is about a bunch of people with diaries (Most of them are cell phones) that predict the future. They all have to kill each other. It's also about a girl who stalks the main character and attempts to kill his friends. The internet, and at least one person in real, actual life, finds this incredibly hot, for some reason. As for the anime with time travel that doesn't involve phones, it's kind of a spoiler that it involves time travel at all, so I won't name it. But I'll give you a hint: Seriously, I ain't spoiling it.
I actually learned an interesting thing on my first day of Theology, which is that, in Man of Steel, Superman is 33 years old. You know who else was 33 years old? That's right! The pope. Right up until the moment he turned 34 years old. But the real theological revelation came in Physics class, when I realized that Carbon-12, the most abundant isotope of the most important atom in organic, terrestrial life, has 6 protons, 6 neutrons, and 6 electrons. That's right. You didn't need the Anti-Christ. The Number of the Beast was inside you all along!
And that's all I've got for you today, folks. I've withdrawn everything from my savings account at the word bank, so I must now depart, lest I be hounded by bookies who want to break my legs.
