Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Day of Havoc Mantis

In celebration of this blog's 50th anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis. But before you go making any exclamations, Great Scott, I'll have you know that you may not have overshot. If your destination was December 19th, 2013 CE, then you're exactly when you want to be. If you find yourself in the future, don't worry. I'm on my way there as we speak. And if you're in the past, then you've broken time. I'm sure your parents were very proud when they will hear what you are doing.

But if time travel shenanigans are out of the question, what other explanation can there be for this contradiction of a 50th anniversary for that which has not been around for 50 years? Well, as the greatest detective of all time once said, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." And as improbable as it seems, Batman is right. The truth is that I stone cold lied to you. I purposely and maliciously omitted words from the opening sentence with the intent to deceive you. The full, uncensored edition reads as follows: "In celebration of this blog's 50th post, as well as its first anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis." 

Nicely done. By presenting the Blog archive to the court, you've revealed the contradictions in my testimony. The evidence clearly indicates that there are a total of 51 posts on this blog, and that they only go back to January this year. But there is an explanation. While this particular blog only dates back to the beginning of 2013, it had its origins in the seedy underbelly of tumblr, and was imported to its current home after a month. The post number remark is actually true. I said that this post celebrated the 50th post, not that it was the 50th post. So what is this mysterious 50th post? Well, if Doctor Who has taught me anything, it's that every 50th...Anniversary needs a guest star. So, to play the role of David Tennant to my Matt Smith, I've convinced my best friend, Dr. Lou Tennant, to write up the 50th post. In fact, it's right below this one. He's a really funny guy, but he's never written anything like this before, so don't be too surprised if it's only one or two orders of magnitude better than what you're used to around here. You can go there right away, or you can continue reading this, because I've still got some things to say.

I thought that I might as well use this benchmark as an opportunity to take a trip down memory lane, recounting all the funny moments in the history of this blog. So we shouldn't be here too long. Although, all self-deprecation aside, this blog has more words than "The Great Gatsby". When you're dealing with more than 3 words, you just have to accept that we might be here awhile. So find a comfy place to sit, as I compress an entire year's worth of writing into only the parts worth reading.

First Post!

Man, screw this post, and screw the tumblr that spawned it. It was written way back in the dark ages, when I first made a tumblr, under the pseudonym "The Omnificent T-dub". That's why it referenced my name being stupid. Because it was. Also, it's pretty adorable how I deemed that "a little TL;DR", when nowadays that much text amounts to little more than a footnote to me.I just can't help but feel that feel you feel when you know that someone thinks their funny, but you know they aren't. For reference, consider the feel you're currently feeling.

Back with a Vengeance

Don't believe the title of the previous post. This post is the true first post, and I hope you get used to reading the word post, because I post a lot about the posts that I post. I think I might actually literally be crying at how absurd the word "post" is. Is this what crying is? Gross.

Actually, I'm certain that this is what crying is, because that is the only appropriate response to reading this. But if you're afraid that the rest of this trip down memory lane is going to be me bagging on my own writing, don't worry; I'm pretty sure I've written things that I've liked. But not this. The tone shifts abruptly and pointlessly from serious to joking, and while there are some funny moments, (particularly the joke I stole from XKCD) the whole thing just kind of falls flatter than justice. And that joke just goes to show you how much I've improved: While I used to make jokes that no one else would get and I would dislike after a year, I now make jokes that no one else would get, but I am confident I will find hilarious forever.

And an out of context picture seals the deal

Of Loners and Friends

In my opinion, the first paragraph of this post is one of the finest things I've ever written, utilizing tried-and-true standbys, like jokes about the taxonomic class of your mother's dentist, while also boldly blazing new trails with jokes about marriage. And while the level of fanboyish obsession that I exude is genuinely creepy, I wouldn't have it any other way. Is it really so strange to collect restraining orders the way some collect stamps?


If I had to pick one of my posts as my favorite, there's a good chance it'd be this one, despite, or behaps percause, it being pretty edgy, especially for my earlier work. In particular, I make a bold political statement, firmly declaring myself to disapprove of one of the hated groups in America. (People still know what the Westboro Baptist Church is, right? If I tried to make a Final Fantasy joke, would anyone get it?)

Except even more infuriating, amirite?

It also contains one of the two instances of race humor on this blog. Or I guess three, if you count that joke  that I explicitly didn't make. But it's OK. Some of my best friends are runners.

A Gentleman's Challenge

Because I continue to sport to this very day, I am now going to make public the answer key to this post, and reveal the seven words that were issued to me. At least, as many of them as I can remember. I am sure that "photon" was one of them, and my extensive physics training allowed me to make short work of it. While it did not contain any of the Selected Seven, I believe that the phrase “More parched than a thirsty barber” deserves recognition for being one of the least sensical things I've ever typed. The next word was abstract, so you can blame that for my digression to talking about mathematics, and, more regrettably, “Mathology”. If, in the future, this post has been deleted, assume that it was removed to conceal from grad schools any evidence that I'm actually a moron. Though, if that's my intention, I might just be better off purging this entire blog from the internet.

Moving on, I believe “ebbing” was one of them, which allowed me to make a choice laundry detergent joke that I had saved up for quite some time. It is also worth noting that I came up with the phrase “Original Gentleman” independently from Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer. No plagiarism was intended on my part. I'm pretty sure that “magnet” was one of them. Or maybe it was rainbows. Or perhaps miracles? I'm pretty sure that at least one of the words was brought to you by the Insane Clown Posse. Conflagration was definitely not one of the words.

I'm pretty sure that Hippopotamus was one of them. When I started talking about Pokemon, I think I had intended to say something about the Pokemon Hippowdon, but I decided to make a truly awful joke instead, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Actually, as it turns out, when I saved this post to the Great Archive of Havoc Mantis (Currently hiring! Only Top Men need apply) I included a list of the challenge words. Apparently "rainbow" was one of them, rather than magnets. I don't remember if rainbows were mentioned in ICP's treatise on Miracles, but I sure as hell don't get paid enough to go back and take another listen, so I guess it'll remain a mystery. I kind of forgot that I left this segment unfinished until the day before showtime, and I don't have it in me to write any more, so I'm just going to list the words. Entice, photon, rainbow, trickling, hippopotamus, abstract, ablaze. We cool? We cool.

Listless No More

I guess I'll kick this off by saying that, yes, I do intend to do a similar top X list for this year. When it comes to coming up with ideas of what to write about, annually counting down the best things of the year is easy prey. And I like my prey how I like my women. So, after this post, expect the list festivities (listivites?) to begin. Though I haven't really watched any movies this year, and there isn't much to say about Machine of Death II that wasn't said about Machine of Death I, so expect it to mostly be just games and music from games. But boy do I have some games to talk to you about.

I feel it is also worth noting that perhaps my favorite joke on this entire blog occurs in this series of posts. To be specific, it's the part where, in reference to Katawa Shoujo, I say “Bring a tissue. What you do with it is up to you.” It's one of the lewdest jokes I've made, but is at the same time subdued enough to be classy. Though I'd just like to point out that, when presented with two options, one does not necessarily have to choose one or the other exclusively. Just keep that in mind.

I feel like this image is enough to land me in Hell, or at least a government watch list.

While I'm here, I'd also like to issue a redaction on something that I said in the actual post titled "Listless no More". When I said that "ideas are a precious commodity..., to be treasured like an unwrapped Starburst that you find on the ground". I meant for that to be a wrapped Starburst. Unwrapped Starbursts that you find on the ground are by no means entirely without value, but I think you'll find that they are not quite as precious as ideas.

Diamond Emblem

For a long time I've considered this my least favorite post, because it mostly just consisted of me giving my opinions on a game, and that was never the intended purpose of this blog. I know that you don't care about my opinions, and I don't think you should. All I really want to do is try and spread a laugh or two. So don't feel like I actually expect your opinions to be swayed by my writing, unless the opinions in question are on whether or not you want to be my pal, in which case I hope you sway in the “no” direction. For your own sake.

Anyway, going back and re-reading this post, I found that the problem is that there are no pictures. Allow me to now rectify this problem.

Imagine me making a moist, unpleasant sound with my mouth. Any such sound will do.

Also, with regards to the title, I was referring to the fact that the game was hard. Diamonds are also noted for their hardness. Though, compared to Lunatic difficulty, even in Casual Mode, Hard difficulty is a walk in the cake.

Creep Deprivation

This post contains a great mystery to me. Towards the end, I make the claim "I have too many actual ideas about education to come up with a suitably ridiculous one." and I have no idea why. It doesn't taste like a joke when I read it in my brain, yet I have no memory of having actual ideas about education. I recognize that America's current education system is pretty cocked up, sure, with too many people focusing on grades and getting degrees in things they don't actually care about, but I don't know that I have any ideas about how to solve these problems. Unless... Sledgehammer Olympics. BOOM! I'll take my prize in cash.


In actuality, this post is probably my least favorite. I actually harbor a deep, irrational resentment towards those who identify themselves as "sO rAnDoM", and give stock examples of how weird they are, not realizing how much it makes them sound like every other teenager just desperate for attention. The reason you're not "normal" is because no one is. Stressing how different you are from this mythical "normal person" is little more than stereotyping everyone who doesn't belong to your little circle, and it seriously undermines human diversity. And the fact that my longest post to date smacks of this ignorant philosophy, while not being terribly funny, kind of hurts me. If the 50 posts I've written were states, this one would be Oklahoma.

And while I'd love to keep this entry brief and end on that pithy little jab, I want to mention that I hate this post even more after I noticed a reference to mathematical induction that is stupid. Making jokes about math you don't understand is more stupid than orthogonally projecting a hypersphere onto the z axis.

Screw Clever Titles: I'm Talking About Pokemon Stuff

Despite that devilishly clever title, I'm going to take this opportunity, not to talk about Pokemon stuff, but to expound on a single throwaway line that raised questions that many of  you have been aching to have answered for the past 5 months. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I mention "half-heartedly writing romance stories"; I am now deeply saddened to report that my labors bore no fruit. Some time around the beginning of summer, I entered into a pact with a few of my friends. Afterlife Battlefront had visions of writing a visual novel, and enlisted us to aid her. I won't go into too much detail, just in case anything does come of the idea, but it was pretty standard Visual Novel stuff. The player took the role of a student who had to choose one of four potential love interests, each of which had a story associated with them. There were four authors in total, including myself and Afterlife Battlefront, and we were each tasked with creating a love interest and a story for them. I tried my damnedest, and even ended up writing somewhere on the order of 20,000 words of story, script, and misc. ideas, but a single flaw prevented me from finishing the task to completion: my utter lack of ability to tell a coherent story. I put the "incoherent" in coherent storytelling. Did you see what I did there? That was wordplay, what I did there.

This also solves the mystery of the cryptic remark in my description about how "I might write fiction, depending on how some things work out." As it turns out, I don't, because they didn't. Although I wouldn't entirely dismiss the possibility that I finish my story and make it available to the public, I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't even know how I'd go about holding someone else's breath.


All in all, it's been a pretty great year, and I hope the next one is even better. And to help kick off the new year, I'll be dumping a collection of puns that I've accumulated over the semester. They double as a hopefully opaque attempt to pad the length of this post so that it usurps the throne of longest post from σ. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of some of these, but dammit, 30 is a nice number, so I just have to keep them all. 

Q. What do you call a ghost staying at a hotel? 
A. A polter-guest
Q. What does a printer spread on its morning toast? 
A. Paper jam
Q. What do you call an inflammatory crocodile? 
A. An insti-gator
Q. What do you call a giant transforming robot with only two factors?? 
A. An Optimus Prime Number
Q. What do you call an attorney's outfit? 
A. A lawsuit
Q. Why should you never play blackjack against the Prince of Mathematics? 
A. Because the Gauss always wins!
Q. Where did the proton bury the body? 
A. In an electric field
Q. How does an electron say farewell? 
A. They particle goodbye
Q. When an inmate is making a jailbreak, how fast does he go? 
A. Escape velocity
Q. What is it called when a jazz musician moves towards you? 
A. Blues shifting
Q. What do you call a song about electrochemistry? 
A. An ode (anode)
Q. Why was the singer cruel? 
A. Because he was harmonic mean
Q. Why are condoms logical? 
A. Because they're made of Vulcanized rubber
Q. How do you keep your hats safe? 
A. With a caps lock
Q. Why did the mathematician not brush his teeth? 
A. Because he wanted to study the calculus
Q. What do you call a dairy farmer's diary? 
A. A Cream journal
Q. What do you call a naughty orchestra? 
A. A sinphony
Q. What do you call a deaf paladin? 
A. A knight in signing armor
Q. Why did the tree complete the square? 
A. Because he wanted to find his roots
Q. What do you call a fire at a noodle factory? 
A. A tragedy of the ramens
Q. Did you hear about how 1 and  -1 are dating? 
A. I heard it's complex.
Q. Why did the dog write poetry in tetrimeter? 
A. Because it has four feet
Q. Why should you never kiss a chemist? 
A. They think that first base is caustic.
Q. What is it called when a circle wins a battle but at great cost? 
A. A pi-ric victory
Q. What is James Mays' favorite element? 
A. Car-bon
Q. Why did the 10th Doctor rent a flat? 
A. Because he was a David Tenant 
Q. What do you call a whip that isn't very heavy? 
A. A light switch
Q. Ron Weasly walks into a bar. What does he order? 
A. A Ginger Ale
Q. Why did the lawn ornament pass the class? 
A. Because he did all his gnome-work
Q. What does a fashionable scientist wear? 
A. A fab coat

A Challenger Approaches!

Hello, hello! Do make yourselves comfortable. Welcome to the first ever Guest Extravaganza, starring me, a guest. As may have been aware (please tell me you were not), this marks the anniversary of our dear benefactor Havoc Mantis’s first blog post *applause, air horns*. As a joke, I wrote a mockup of a post I would make if I were involved in the blog. Well unfortunately for you all, the joke has become all too real, and now I’m actually doing this.

Jokes kind of stop being funny once charges are filed.

So, as I am sure it is painfully apparent, I have no prior experience doing this. And when I say “this,” I mean writing a blog post, not degrading myself on the internet. With that in mind, I’ll try not to go too crazy with this, as I was told not to go too crazy with this. Since the Steam Winter Sale is likely upon us, or soon to be upon us, by the time this is written, this post will consist of some of the games I bought during the Fall Sale, and my impressions of them. Let’s get this travesty started, I’ve got things to do (Skullgirls).

First up in the Calamity Carnival is Electronic Super Joy, a platformer created by Michael Todd. Do you hate yourself, or are you confident in your skills (hate yourself)? Then Electronic Super Joy is the game for no one. I bet you thought I was going to say, “it’s the game for you” or something, but no. ESJ (getting lazy, typing sucks) could be described as an unholy union of Super Meat Boy and Super Hexagon; I mean, they all have “super” in their names, so it’s a thing, right? If that description appeals to you for some reason, you should probably set up an appointment with your friendly neighborhood neurosurgeon—because you’re going to need a lobotomy.

"Wait, did he mean I'll need a lobotomy before or after playing the game?"

The first thing you’ll notice about the game is that you’re dead, because you had an epileptic episode. But really, the game contains a lot (see: always, and with great vigor) of flashing colors. The game warns of this at the start of the game, but by then, you’ve already purchased it, so too late to cry about seizures by then. The second thing you’ll notice is that the game is absurdly unforgiving, that is, if you’re trying to 100% it. Otherwise, the onslaught of checkpoints will make the game feel slightly less completely awful in every way. The jumping is a little wonky—the character doesn’t cover as much horizontal distance as he maybe should, and this is highlighted when nearly all of the stages involve making exact pixel jumps to the next ledge. I’m not messing around, here. Your timing better be solid, or you’re getting a one-way ticket to hell.

I wasn't kidding

In addition to this, it’s difficult to tell where your character is located on the screen. There are portions where you have to make leaps into items you need, and you’ll swear up and down and all around that you touched the item because your light streak that follows right behind your character went through it but the game’s like, “Nah, man. You weren’t even close,” even though you know that you had to have touched it in order for your light streak to have gone through the item. Or maybe that was just me? I don’t know. But in all seriousness, the jumping doesn’t feel as polished as it should be for a platformer, which is a big problem when attempting to fully complete the game. And don’t get me started on the missiles. You know what? I won’t even get me started on the missiles. There are a lot of them, they suck, that’s it. Bottom line, if you value your sanity, don’t get Electronic Super Joy. Spend your money on something else, like Skullgirls.

Next up, is Gunpoint. Buy this if you haven’t. I mean it. Right now. Stop reading this, go into the Steam store, and purchase Gunpoint, then come back. Did you get it? Good. If not, you’re only hurting yourself.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE MAIN EVENT. So, sharp readers (those of you who aren’t blind) may have noticed me mention Skullgirls a few times. Some of you may be wondering, “What’s Skullgirls, and why don’t I already own this masterpiece?” Skullgirls is a fighting game that was independently developed by Reverge Labs. The game features stunning hand drawn art with a unique style, and combat that is easy enough for beginners, yet complex enough for experts. Also, come on, it’s Skullgirls.


Now that I find myself writing this, I’m at a loss for what to say. The game is incredible. There are so many little things that make it what it is. Things like performing 18-hit Barely Legal combos on your opponents. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. Eighteen-hit combos actually have the caption “Barely Legal” under them. The game is constantly undergoing change, and DLC characters are in the works. The DLC characters are free if you have the game when they’re released, otherwise, they’re around $5. The roster is probably the most unique thing about the game. The game features a (soon not to be) all-female cast, who all sport their own crazy appearances and movesets. The characters are in pursuit of an artifact called the Skullheart, which has the power to grant wishes. Blah blah blah, usual fighting game story stuff that isn’t that important. Anyway, I highly recommend this game to anyone who is a fan of fighting games, or anyone who has always wanted to jump in, but felt that the options available were too complex to even get started.

Congratulations, you made it to the end! What? You thought I meant you? No, I meant me. I finally made it to the end of this post. Well, I suppose congratulations are in order for you as well. You sat through my drivel which somehow probably managed to be worse than the content you’re used to. And for that, I’m not sorry.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I am The Law, and So Can You!

As you may have guessed from my full title, "Havoc Mantis, Esquire", (Or my re-anagrammed title, "Serviceman Quits a Ho") I am fully qualified to practice law in the state of "I swear, this is totally America, why would you even think it's Japan". I am referring to the Ace Attorney series, which I have mentioned before, and am mentioning again. Right at this very moment, in fact.

A new Ace Attorney game, Dual Destinies, came stateside about a month ago, and I guess I took that as an invitation to talk about it on this here blog. The Ace Attorney series of games follows the legal career of Ace Attorney, Phoenix Wright, (and eventually some other, blunter-haired attorneys) as he acquits his clients through sheer power of belief, and in the process causes the prosecutor's heart to grow three (3) sizes. Or he just straight up kills them. Either way.

Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies actually earned a Mature rating from the ESRB, which is rather surprising for a game about murder. Honestly, I can't really think of any way in which it was significantly more graphic or "mature" than previous entries in the series.

Well, when you put it that way...

Well, in most of the honestly, I only wrote this post so I could make that joke, so see you next week, folks! Oh, if only you were so lucky. Instead, I guess I'll say more things about Dual Destinies. I'm not entirely sure how what the verdict (hah!) on Dual Destinies is. On one hand, I think I enjoyed it the least of all the Ace Attorney games. On the other hand, I think I might kind of be a jaded, bitter asshole (see: my opinion of Pokemon X and Y). One curious thing that I noticed is that there was a lot less gameplay. The court sequences felt more automated than before, with fewer cross-examination sequences, and out of court segments involved a lot less CSI and interrogation, and a lot more listening to people talk. This ended up making the game a lot easier, especially considering the ability to make save-states in the middle of court, which removed any sense of urgency in making decisions.

But then again, the Ace Attorney series has arguably always been more about the stories and characters than the gameplay. And how do those stack up? Pretty nicely, all things considered. Although there were times when the plot was predictable, and seemed a bit too similar to previous entries in the series, there were some genuinely heartwarming moments and shocking twists, including at least one revelation that easily stands up to the Zero Escape series in terms of mind-blowingness. Seriously, the moment I learned the truth about [REDACTED] may have been worth the price of admission by itself.

Just like every previous game in the series, Dual Destinies introduces a new rival prosecutor, Simon Blackquill, a convicted murderer who's more dangerous than a second bowl of Eldoon's Noodles. I think it's pretty cool how every previous prosecutor was talked up by someone saying, “This prosecutor has never lost a case! Do you feel lucky?” and then Blackquill is talked up by saying, “This prosecutor killed a man. DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?” Blackquill is also a Samurai, but due to his incarceration, his ability to summon demons has been revoked. Not that that stops the game from bringing them along anyway, bless its heart. I could say a lot of things about Blackquill, but I'm afraid that giving my opinions will bias the jury. Just kidding! There is no jury. There never was a jurist system, so we should all just forget about it.

All-in-all, I'd say that this game wasn't quite as good as I'd hoped, but it wasn't a disappointment, like I felt Pokemon was. Or this post, for that matter.

When I originally started wrighting this post, I had intended to transition to talking about Papers, Please, and how I was also The Law there. (In case you didn't already know, Papers, Please, is a "Dystopian Document Thriller" about looking at passports and finding new and creative ways to tell people to get the hell out of your country.) But important things have come up. Time sensitive things that deserve another post. Probably one with a spiffy title, like "Punchstarter" (Kickstopper was already taken). But time is of the essence, so I'll have to make dew.

Really? Am I actually to believe that in the universe of the world wide web, there does not exist an image of the Dew patrol from Fairly Odd Parents? Well, I guess we all missed out on an opportunity for me to make a barely coherent joke about "quitting your day job". Sometimes I wonder why we ever even invented the internet.

Anyway, as I previously implied, I am indeed promoting a Kickstarter. Not one of my own, of course. I could never be morally comfortable with accepting money for this. I may be an asshole, but I'm not a monster. What I am promoting is a game called Tadpole Treble, a neat little game with music, action, art, and the most dangerous secret in the universe, i.e. my real name. If you're actually interested in the game, you're probably best off clicking that link and reading the details there. If you're just interested in seeing if I can spin this shameless other-promotion into something funny, then read on. 

Tadpole Treble is a game that defies classification into any genre I know of. I almost described it as an "on-rails shooter without shooting", but that sounds more tedious than trying to come up with clever comparisons, so I won't describe it like that. Basically, you play a tadpole named "Baton", and you go through a constantly moving level trying to dodge obstacles. But the twist is that the level is a staff, and the obstacles are notes, forming the sheet music for the song that plays during the level. When things happen in the music, things happen in the game. So I guess, for example, if the music speeds up, the level speeds up, or if a tritone plays, your eyes turn red and you sprout devil horns. Not Baton, mind you; This will happen to you, the player of the game. Such is the power of the tritone.

Actual Playtester

To the surprise of even myself, it would seem that I retain some iota of dignity somewhere in the corner of my mind, and I cannot bring myself to beg you for donations. But fret not; when I find that last scrap of stubborn pride, it will be immediately executed, without mercy or compassion. Those were the first to go. But seriously, in all actuality, in the time it has taken me to type this, the goal has almost been reached. Hell, if I continue writing this at the same rate that I have been, by the time I'm finished, Kickstarter will be naught but a distant memory from a golden age of internet handouts. There's really no need to spend your money, especially after the wallet-threshing you likely received from the recent Steam sale. Although, if you've ever dreamt of dropping $20 to have your name appear next to mine, this may be your last chance, so act soon!

Because I have something I'd like to get off my chest, I will now talk about Brawl in the Family, a webcomic by the same man as Tadpole Treble. Simply put, Brawl in the Family is the webcomic I would write if I wrote a webcomic. Except without references to handicapped smut from the darkest corner of the internet. Or sexual implications regarding exploded bodies. Or rambling, incoherent sentence fragments. But despite these vast incongruities between my writing style and that of BitF, there are several similarities between the two: A love of Nintendo, a love of references, and most importantly of all, a love of Nintendo references. Brawl in the Family stars the cast of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, with Kirby as the main focus, and is about... well, the cast of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Just doing whatever it is that they do when not smashing brothers. Making sight gags out of eating things, it would seem.

But that thing I said about it being the webcomic I I'd write if I wrote a webcomic was no idle jest. When I was a younger man, many were the occasions when I was told that I was funny enough to be funny on the internet. That's why I eventually started this blog, because I think it's important to teach people to be careful what they wish for. But before this blog came to be, I had the idle notion that I could write a webcomic, with an almost identical premise, if I recall correctly. Super Smash Bros. Characters super smashing their bros, whilst making jokes about it. And because Kirby is my favorite character, he got top billing. Sure, I have absolutely no talent for art, but looking back at some of the first strips of BitF, it seems that he didn't really either. If I recall correctly, I even had a few drafts written up for some strips, but they are all (hopefully) lost to the mists of time. But I do remember something involving going to McDonalds, ordering a number 2, (you know how their menu is numbered?) and then something about eating poop (you know, like number 1 and number 2 assigned to bodily functions?). I believe the phrase “Elementary School toilet nomenclature” was involved. Because this is the kind of things that Kirby does when he's not skipping through meadows of sunshine and daisies.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.