Sunday, September 1, 2013

'tisn't The Season

Well, it's no longer summer, which means that school is starting back up. As a natural consequence, I no longer get any sleep. And from this, we can infer that I'll start blogging again, because only sleep deprivation can make up for the sense of humor that I seem to have left in my other pants. Now, I know that just about every other post contains an apology for how long it's been since my last post, but this marks the end of the longest hiatus this blog has ever been on, so I felt the occasion deserved a special mention.

As you can clearly see from the fact that I've been sitting here for roughly 20 minutes without typing anything, on my third attempt to write a post since the last one I published, I have ceased to be funny. Or rather, I have ceased to be funny on this blog. I assure you, this never happens in any other facet of my life. I'm still just as capable of hellishly clever Facebook comments as I always have been. My internet friends are routinely astounded by my ability to amuse them by mentioning things they know about. I recently performed improvisational comedy so laudably that I was paid a dollar to take my shirt off. That's how you know they like it.

Yeah, I tried to write two other posts previous to this, but didn't finish them because they were more boring than an asteroid mining station. Because there is no book funnier than a thesaurus. The first one was basically just humorlessly describing a bunch of stuff I've done recently. (Did you know that there's now a second Machine of Death? I sure did!) I also mentioned the special $30 credit you get from the Nintendo eShop if you register both Fire Emblem Awakening and Shin Megami Tensei IV. In fact, I may need to sell a copy of SMT IV soon. It's a pretty cool game. And by cool, I mean it's not hot. And by hot, I mean stolen. Which it is not.

The other post was about mega Pokemon, but that just kind of devolved into me bitching about competitive stuff. Mega Pokemon, in case you were lucky enough to not know, are a new aspect of Pokemon that's halfway between a new form and a proper evolution. "Mewthree", whom I wrote about earlier, turned out to be a Mega Evolution of Mewtwo. A few others have been announced, like Mega Lucario, Mega Blaziken, Mega Ampharos, and some others. Also, Mega Kangaskahn, who, I shit you not, is just regular Kangaskahn, except the baby is outside the pouch. Fighting alongside the mother. It takes a special amount of effort to combine child abuse and animal abuse into a new game mechanic, but it's an effort that Game Freak thought was worth it. Speaking of effort, it sounds like there's finally going to be an in-game explanation of effort values. You can call me Dean Kamen, from the way I'm making segues (He's the inventor of the segway, to save you a trip to Google, and he died by falling off of a cliff on his own invention, in a way that is totally not funny or being made fun of by me.) Actually, I don't really have anything else to say about that, so I guess that was kind of a segue to nowhere. Ahem.

I think it's cute that people hope that Mega Ampharos will finally make him competitively viable, because he definitely won't be. The funny thing about Mega Pokemon is that you can only have one on a team at a time. Which means that Mega Ampharos will have to compete with far superior Pokemon for a single team slot. Exacerbating this problem is the fact that, while all the other Mega Pokemon revealed thus far were given great abilities like Speed Boost, Adaptability, Huge Power, and Magic Bounce, Ampharos was given Mold Breaker, which will help him break through the Lightningrod Seakings that no doubt terrorize the NU tier. Add to that the fact that he looks exactly like a normal Ampharos, but with romance novel hair, and I just don't like him.
Look at that frown. Not even he likes his hair.

Also, he's a dragon type, because, you know, why the hell not? Actually, that's not a rhetorical question, because it's one I'm about to answer: Because he used to be a sheep. Sheep do not turn into dragons. That is precisely why the hell not. In fact, I'm going to put out a bounty of sorts. If anyone can satisfactorily explain why Ampharos is a dragon, I'll give you some kind of reward. I'm going to go right ahead and say that the fact that his Japanese name translates to "Thunder Dragon" is not satisfactory. I'm willing to wager that they decided to name him that because he was a dragon. It seems unlikely that they decided to name it "dragon", then thought "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if this thing were like, a dragon?" Also, Magikarp gets a free pass for turning into a dragon, because carp do turn into dragons in China, so it's all cool.

To summarize, Mega Evolutions made me pretty mad. 

This isn't your average, everyday mad. This is... butt mad.

Speaking of butts, did you know that Miley Cyrus has one of those? No one on the internet believed it until fairly recently, but there is now documented, empirical evidence to support this theory. I'm sure you're all thrilled to know this.

I think that time machines might be indelibly linked with telephones. Why do I think this? Well, there's the phone box time machine on my T-shirt that's being reflected onto my laptop screen as I type this, for one. Furthermore, of the 4 shows I can think of that heavily involve time travel, 3 have phones with special temporal abilities. Doctor Who is the most obvious one, and all three of the others are anime. Steins;Gate is about a mad scientist who somehow invents a cell phone that sends texts back in time, and Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) is about a bunch of people with diaries (Most of them are cell phones) that predict the future. They all have to kill each other. It's also about a girl who stalks the main character and attempts to kill his friends. The internet, and at least one person in real, actual life, finds this incredibly hot, for some reason. As for the anime with time travel that doesn't involve phones, it's kind of a spoiler that it involves time travel at all, so I won't name it. But I'll give you a hint: Seriously, I ain't spoiling it.

I actually learned an interesting thing on my first day of Theology, which is that, in Man of Steel, Superman is 33 years old. You know who else was 33 years old? That's right! The pope. Right up until the moment he turned 34 years old. But the real theological revelation came in Physics class, when I realized that Carbon-12, the most abundant isotope of the most important atom in organic, terrestrial life, has 6 protons, 6 neutrons, and 6 electrons. That's right. You didn't need the Anti-Christ. The Number of the Beast was inside you all along!

And that's all I've got for you today, folks. I've withdrawn everything from my savings account at the word bank, so I must now depart, lest I be hounded by bookies who want to break my legs.