Monday, April 21, 2014


I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to get hype for the new Super Smash Brothers. Telling someone to be excited for Super Smash Brothers is like telling fish to swim, or birds to fly, or the Secret Service to be kind of uneasy about how many pictures of the president I downloaded in one sitting. You're “preaching to the choir”, as it were. Yet, as was made painfully apparent with my previous post, I will desperately latch onto anything that I can make a joke out of, so here I am. Just recently (IT WAS RECENT WHEN I STARTED THIS, OK?), an entire Nintendo Direct was devoted to the upcoming Super Smash Brothers, and a lot of juicy details came to light. I really recommend that you watch it. There were a lot of little things to catch, such that if I attempted to record them all here, I'd end up with a humorless list of things someone else said; if I wanted to write that, I'd work for Buzzfeed. Hey-o! (A note to Buzzfeed: Please do not take this to mean that I value dignity or professional integrity more than money. If given the chance, I would gladly work for Buzzfeed for literally any positive, real amount of money.)

Usually, when it comes to Super Smash Bros. news, it's all about the fighters. Reveals of new fighters, and to a lesser extent, confirmations of returning fighters, are the big announcements that everyone looks forward to. But in this case, I think that the biggest reveal may have been the one pertaining to the game's release date. Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say “the games' release dates”. For you see, the biggest announcement was the fact that the two versions of the game, Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, will not be released at the same time. In a marketing move that gaming historians will likely remember as either unusually clever or impossibly stupid, Nintendo has decided to release the 3DS version first, this summer, with the Wii U version coming out in the Winter. Nintendo's official reason for doing this? Well, there isn't one, really. Sakurai just kind of says that they want to take their time to make sure the game is as great as it can possibly be. Since the 3DS version is being released earlier, this kind of implies that the Wii U version will be superior, which may have been their intention all along.

So, other than the release date, what else will be different between the two games? Well it seems that Sakurai caught wind of my suspicion that the two games would have different characters, because he confirms that both games will share the same roster. Stages, on the other hand are a completely different story. From the way he tells it, the two games will have completely different stages, only sharing series mainstays like Battlefield and Final Destination. Speaking of Final Destination, every stage now has a “Final Destination” form, which is perfectly flat and devoid of any platforms or obstacles, perfect for competitive players and “stop having fun” guys. This is to accommodate online play, which is separated into “For Fun”, which has all the stages and items that make Smash Bros. enjoyable, and “For Glory”, which has all the Final Destination all the not items that make Smash Bros. Serious business. Just like in those funny memes you may have heard so much about.

Since this isn't an actual paper that I'm turning in to my university Super Smash Bros. class, I don't have to give a shit about transitions. But since it is on my blog, it has to include at least one Skullgirls reference. "Rosalina is basically like Ms Fortune, except she doesn't utilize underboob. At least, not that we know of. *hopes fervently*" Sakurai also announced that characters who “change formes” in mid-battle will no longer be a thing. Characters who used to do this, like Samus & Zero Suit Samus, and Zelda & Sheik, have been separated into different characters. Pokemon trainer has been disbanded, and it's incredibly likely that only Charizard remains, as he was the only one announced, and if they kept Ivysaur and Squirtle, there would be way too many Pokemon. In fact, with the number of Pokemon fighters currently announced at the standard cap of 4, it seems entirely possible that the classic veteran Jigglypuff won't make it. Which, honestly, makes perfect sense. To me, it's a mystery why Jigglypuff was even included in the first game to begin with, and why we all subsequently went along with it, on par with the age old question of how everyone knows that they're called “Ewoks” when the word is never said in Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, it seems that if Jigglypuff is not returning, then his replacement is to be Greninja. That's right, a starter from the newest generation. Honestly, I'm not sure that's much better than a nobody like Jigglypuff. At least, that was what I though when I first heard about him. But, much like the Wii Fit trainer (who is apparently also a guy sometimes?) and the Villager before him, I changed my mind right quick when I saw his trailer. It was, for lack of a better word, hype as all hell. And I apologize if I use the word “hype” too much when referring to Smash Bros, but it would take a feat of Shakespearean ingenuity to come up with a word better suited to the feeling I get when I watch Smash Bros. videos. It's kind of like the goosebumps that you get when you listen to a beautiful piece of music. This lead me to try to think of some kind of pun involving “goosebumps”, but I had to pull out the emergency brakes on the ol' train of thought as soon as I pulled up at “juicebumps” station. I'll have to make a transfer to to a different line. Let's see... I'm getting excited for a fighting game. Exfightment? That might work if it weren't awful. Manticipation? I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like “mantissa pation”, which could be a math joke. Must investigate further.

Alright, it's time to stop pretending that there's anyone reading this who doesn't already know about the Nintendo Direct that happened two weeks ago. But I'll keep pretending that there's anyone reading this at all, because the truth can be scary sometimes. If you really want to learn all the things that were shown, just watch the video I linked at the beginning. It's fairly long, but I promise that it's worth your time. Certainly more worth your time than reading any part of this post after the one about me making the Secret Service uneasy.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Wham Episode

Have you ever been so out of things to say that you just started giving out personal information? No? Well, you should try it some time; your social security number can make a really effective icebreaker. Not that I have one of those. I'm so awkward, the government gave me an antisocial security number.

Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for The Government!

But because I absolutely cannot think of anything else to make a post about, I've decided to divulge the most dangerous secret in the universe i.e. my name, in the hopes that it would give me something to talk about. And I'd say it's working so far. Remember that line about the antisocial security number? That was gold.
Actually, [REDACTED], antisocial security numbers are a very real thing, and the government doesn't like it when you steal our jokes.

Oh, crap. Thanks, Obama. I was probably going to make a big deal out of the mystery, to let the readers savor the anticipation, and you just come right out and say it. That's no way to handle a big reveal. Where's your sense of suspense?

I "sense" that I may have to "suspend" your rights as a US citizen.

OK man, be cool! We're all friends here. I don't want no trouble. And before I start making jokes that would be incredibly unwise to associate with my name, (as it turns out, the government takes threats to the president very seriously) I think I'd better hang up, Mr. Obama.

I think that might be the wisest course of action, Mr. [REDACTED]

Anyway, it is indeed as the president said. That's my name, and you can feel free to wear it out, since it's covered by a rather hefty name insurance policy. See, since I no longer have the veil of anonymity to protect me, I am forced to be creative when it comes to the fictional crimes I conspire to commit on this blog. While before I might have spoken of murder or high treason, now I must make up absurd crimes like name insurance fraud.

I'll have you know that name insurance fraud is a serious issue facing this great nation, one that I would have you not make light of.

OK, really? Has the US government mastered mind control abilities and used them to allow Obama to ghost-write my blog, or am I just deranged? I'm not one to end my sentences with prepositions, so I'm inclined to lean towards the former.

The rule against ending sentences with prepositions is a myth. In this great country, we're free to end sentences with any word we want.

Yeah, well it's called a preposition for a reason. If I wanted it at the end of my sentence, I'd call it a postpostion. Besides, I recognize that it's a meaningless rule, but I am of the opinion that the more difficult my writing is to understand, the more smart it makes me sound. Because avoiding ending sentences with prepositions often makes writing difficult to understand, it makes me sound smarter. Uh, ostensibly.

Weren't you in the middle of making some kind of announcement?
Huh? Uh... maybe? I don't care about that anymore, though. This is more important. I need to know whether or not I'm actually talking to the president right now. So I'll ask you a question that only the real president would know. So... uh... like, what do you do in government?

Well you see, this great nation is governed by three branches of government, maintained by a system of checks and balances that-

Uh, sorry to interrupt you there, but it seems like these captions are getting a little crowded, so I thought I might invite you to the body of the post, where paragraphs and stuff happen.

Obama: Thank you very much, Mr. [REDACTED]. It is much more comfortable out here than it is in those stuffy captions. As I was saying before, the way that federal government is arranged is nearly identical to how the mind works according to Freudian Psychology, with the three branches of government analogous to the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. As president, I am the Ego, and I mediate between the Democrats and the Republicans, who are like the Id and Superego, disrespectively. I spend most of my time in Congress, where they debate about whether America is a democracy or republic. I've tried to get them to agree to “Democratic Republic” on several occasions but you know how politicians can be.

Me: I... see. Well, that sounds like the kind of description of government that could only come from someone with a profound apathy towards politics. I'm... not being mind controlled by Barack Obama, am I? I guess this means I am deranged.

Obama: Of course you're not being mind controlled by Barack Obama. The government is far too busy using its mind control powers to ensure that you're unprepared for your physics exams to waste any time with such trifling matters. You really are more deranged than a... hold on a second, let me look up the mathematical definition of “derangement” on Wikipedia...

Me: In combinatorial mathematics, a derangement is a permutation of the elements of a set such that none of the elements appear in their original position. So I guess more deranged than that?

Obama: More deranged that a permutation of elements such that-- oh, you already made the joke.

Me: Yeah, man. Who doesn't know the mathematical definition of derangement off the top of their head?

Obama: Please, don't bullshit me. That's a word for word copy paste job from the Wikipedia page on derangement.

Me: Yeah, man. I just happen to have the definition memorized word for word. Combinatorial mathematics is something that I am very familiar with.

Obama: Is hypocrisy something else with which you are familiar? Because you just ended a sentence with a preposition, shitlord.

Me: OK, you know what? I've just discovered that my aversion to putting words in the mouths of dead men also extends to living men, especially when those words are "shitlord".

Obama: You want to say that to my face, bitch, and not on the internet? I'll have you know that, as President, I have access to the raddest battle mech money can buy, and I will not hesitate to use it to turn your life into fire.

Me: Wait, what? I thought that you weren't Barack Obama mind controlling me. I was under the impression that this was a borderline schizophrenic conversation I was having with myself. Who are you?

???: Your impression is correct, for the most part, but I'm not sure what has you so confused. Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot you've never played Persona. Wow, what a sad and unfulfilling life you must lead. Then again, I already knew that.

Me: So... does that mean that you're my Shadow? A manifestation of my darkest thoughts and repressed desires?

???: Indeed. I am thou... and thou art I. You may call me... Dirac Obama! President of Physics!

Me: No! That's impossible! There's no way that you're m- actually, that sounds like exactly the kind of stupid joke that I'd make.

Dirac: Yes. And now that I've been given form, I will reveal the true nature of Havoc Mantis to all! Or should I say... [REDACTED]?

Me: I... I don't understand. What do you plan to do?

Dirac: You know that Twitter account that you maintain, where you post the stupidest, lewdest, most shameful things, only because you know that no one will read them?

Me: Ummmm... kind of. Is it really that bad?

Dirac: Remember “Chode to Joy”? “Baskin Throbbins”?

Me: Heh. Those were pretty good.

Dirac: What about Smegma-man?


*Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed above are meant to be reflections of current president Barack Obama. I bet that he's probably never said the word "shitlord" in his life, and he may not even know that it's a word, and that's why he's the president.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Seek a Way Out!

Zero Escape 3 is currently on indefinite hiatus. I know, if this were some kind of April Fool's joke, it wouldn't be funny, but unfortunately it isn't. I'm being so sincere right now. In fact, it's old news at this point, but it wasn't way back when I started writing this. This post has almost certainly taken me longer to write than any other, mostly because every time I think about the possibility that there won't be a Zero Escape 3, I get so emotional that I have to lie down and cry for a bit. Luckily, I do most of my writing on public transportation, where this kind of thing isn't out of the ordinary. I've shed enough tears over this to fill an Olympic swimming pool, and it still wouldn't be as salty as I am about this whole ordeal.

Salty enough to kill a man

The reason for this halt in production is that the world is a fundamentally unjust place, and Leibniz is a goddamn liar for attempting to prove otherwise. This is why no one credits you for inventing calculus, asshole. The more superficial reason is that the company that the writer approached about publishing it, “Literally Satan Inc.” is worried that it isn't a sound investment, because Virtue's Last Reward didn't sell well in Japan of all places. The problem with this mindset is that it doesn't take into account the rabbit devotion of American fanboys. Now, I'm not saying that I'd kidnap 9 corporate executives and force them to play a fiendish game to coerce them into releasing Zero Escape 3. I'm not good enough at coming up with bunny puns. But maybe someone out there is. So maybe I'd be on the lookout for people in gas masks, if I were you, Satan.

So does this mean that we'll never see the massive cliffhanger of Virtue's Last Reward resolved? That we're doomed to forever remain ignorant of whether or not Phi is actually a Brahman or a common or a ramen? Perhaps not. The news was first broken on the Twitter account of Kotaro Uchikoshi, Director and Scenarist of the first two games. A scenarist is one who writes scenarios, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and it's different from an author because it sounds cooler. "I believe there is still hope. ZE3 will definitely be released somehow, someday!" He said that he's considered crowdfunding from sites like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, but doesn't see them as likely, considering the huge amount of money that he requires. In response, I would like to point out that a huge amount of money is exactly the amount that I am willing to pay to get this thing to happen, and I'm sure I'm not alone. While my $200 or whatever might not matter much in the grand scheme of things, there is an entire movement devoted to making Zero Escape 3 a reality. Operation Bluebird is a Facebook group devoted to spreading the word and showing support. And if all of its 8000 or so members were to contribute the reasonable amount of $200, we could raise $1,600,000, a number which I had way more difficulty calculating than you'd expect of a math major. Is that enough to make significant progress towards funding the game? I have no idea. Is it reasonable to expect $200 from each person? Hell no. But a lot more than 8,000 people played Virtue's Last Reward, to the tune of [some statistic that I can't seem to find on the internet]. And I don't think it's too outlandish to think that all of them with any semblance of taste would be willing to shell out at least the price of a game to see the story finished. Not to mention all the people who would mortgage their kidneys for the opportunity to own a watch in the style of one of Zero's death bracelets (The offer's on the table, Lou Tennant).

So how can you do your part for the war effort? Well, if you're a vastly wealthy executive capable of single-handedly funding this whole project, it would be greatly appreciated if you went ahead and did that. Or, if you're as untrustworthy as my word processor's spell-check seems to believe you are, you could single-underhandedly fund the project. I don't really mind either way. Failing that, it probably wouldn't hurt buy the game to show that interest in Zero Escape hasn't waned. As luck would have it, this was recently (as of when I first wrote this) made much easier with the release of 999: The Novel, an iOS release of 999 for the incredible price of $4.99. Granted, this release makes the unusual decision to omit all actual gameplay, but it's still worth it many times over. 999 is still an incredible story that you can get for less than the cost of a book or a movie, and if have any Apple device, I cannot urge you strongly enough to check out 999. I can't really think of a better way to spend $5 than on one of my favorite “games” of all time. Then again, paid $5 for the ability to make one of my Skullgirls characters look like King Dedede, which is something I can already do, so my opinion on the value of a Lincoln may be a bit questionable.

You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the jam.

Beyond that, it probably wouldn't hurt to show general interest in the genre of visual novels, so as to send the message that their release in the US is lucrative. Dangan Ronpa in particular is a rather similar game about trust, betrayal, and the juxtaposition of cute mascot characters with gruesome murder. There's an anime adaptation, but you really have to live it for yourself to get the full experience. When you choose who to spend your free time with and learn more about, it really hits harder when they end up getting murdered. Or, even worse, become murderers themselves. If you have a Vita, I'd highly recommend picking it up, and watching out for the sequel this fall. (Consider this an apology for my assertion earlier on this blog that Vitae are for chumps. Vita means life.) Steins;Gate is another visual novel with a popular anime adaptation. According to Wikipedia, it's available for official, legal download right now, but the official, legal website seems to have other ideas. You can have the limited edition shipped to you, but is seems like the pleb-tier version won't be available until the end of this month, so if you $40 trust my opinion, but don't $60 trust my opinion, I guess you'll have to wait until then. And while we're on the subject of visual novels, why not download Katawa Shoujo? It costs nothing, and if you're lucky, you might disturb a prying NSA agent.