Thursday, December 19, 2013

A Challenger Approaches!

Hello, hello! Do make yourselves comfortable. Welcome to the first ever Guest Extravaganza, starring me, a guest. As may have been aware (please tell me you were not), this marks the anniversary of our dear benefactor Havoc Mantis’s first blog post *applause, air horns*. As a joke, I wrote a mockup of a post I would make if I were involved in the blog. Well unfortunately for you all, the joke has become all too real, and now I’m actually doing this.


Jokes kind of stop being funny once charges are filed.


So, as I am sure it is painfully apparent, I have no prior experience doing this. And when I say “this,” I mean writing a blog post, not degrading myself on the internet. With that in mind, I’ll try not to go too crazy with this, as I was told not to go too crazy with this. Since the Steam Winter Sale is likely upon us, or soon to be upon us, by the time this is written, this post will consist of some of the games I bought during the Fall Sale, and my impressions of them. Let’s get this travesty started, I’ve got things to do (Skullgirls).

First up in the Calamity Carnival is Electronic Super Joy, a platformer created by Michael Todd. Do you hate yourself, or are you confident in your skills (hate yourself)? Then Electronic Super Joy is the game for no one. I bet you thought I was going to say, “it’s the game for you” or something, but no. ESJ (getting lazy, typing sucks) could be described as an unholy union of Super Meat Boy and Super Hexagon; I mean, they all have “super” in their names, so it’s a thing, right? If that description appeals to you for some reason, you should probably set up an appointment with your friendly neighborhood neurosurgeon—because you’re going to need a lobotomy.

"Wait, did he mean I'll need a lobotomy before or after playing the game?"


The first thing you’ll notice about the game is that you’re dead, because you had an epileptic episode. But really, the game contains a lot (see: always, and with great vigor) of flashing colors. The game warns of this at the start of the game, but by then, you’ve already purchased it, so too late to cry about seizures by then. The second thing you’ll notice is that the game is absurdly unforgiving, that is, if you’re trying to 100% it. Otherwise, the onslaught of checkpoints will make the game feel slightly less completely awful in every way. The jumping is a little wonky—the character doesn’t cover as much horizontal distance as he maybe should, and this is highlighted when nearly all of the stages involve making exact pixel jumps to the next ledge. I’m not messing around, here. Your timing better be solid, or you’re getting a one-way ticket to hell.

I wasn't kidding


In addition to this, it’s difficult to tell where your character is located on the screen. There are portions where you have to make leaps into items you need, and you’ll swear up and down and all around that you touched the item because your light streak that follows right behind your character went through it but the game’s like, “Nah, man. You weren’t even close,” even though you know that you had to have touched it in order for your light streak to have gone through the item. Or maybe that was just me? I don’t know. But in all seriousness, the jumping doesn’t feel as polished as it should be for a platformer, which is a big problem when attempting to fully complete the game. And don’t get me started on the missiles. You know what? I won’t even get me started on the missiles. There are a lot of them, they suck, that’s it. Bottom line, if you value your sanity, don’t get Electronic Super Joy. Spend your money on something else, like Skullgirls.

Next up, is Gunpoint. Buy this if you haven’t. I mean it. Right now. Stop reading this, go into the Steam store, and purchase Gunpoint, then come back. Did you get it? Good. If not, you’re only hurting yourself.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE MAIN EVENT. So, sharp readers (those of you who aren’t blind) may have noticed me mention Skullgirls a few times. Some of you may be wondering, “What’s Skullgirls, and why don’t I already own this masterpiece?” Skullgirls is a fighting game that was independently developed by Reverge Labs. The game features stunning hand drawn art with a unique style, and combat that is easy enough for beginners, yet complex enough for experts. Also, come on, it’s Skullgirls.

ALSO, COME ON, IT'S SKULLGIRLS


Now that I find myself writing this, I’m at a loss for what to say. The game is incredible. There are so many little things that make it what it is. Things like performing 18-hit Barely Legal combos on your opponents. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. Eighteen-hit combos actually have the caption “Barely Legal” under them. The game is constantly undergoing change, and DLC characters are in the works. The DLC characters are free if you have the game when they’re released, otherwise, they’re around $5. The roster is probably the most unique thing about the game. The game features a (soon not to be) all-female cast, who all sport their own crazy appearances and movesets. The characters are in pursuit of an artifact called the Skullheart, which has the power to grant wishes. Blah blah blah, usual fighting game story stuff that isn’t that important. Anyway, I highly recommend this game to anyone who is a fan of fighting games, or anyone who has always wanted to jump in, but felt that the options available were too complex to even get started.

Congratulations, you made it to the end! What? You thought I meant you? No, I meant me. I finally made it to the end of this post. Well, I suppose congratulations are in order for you as well. You sat through my drivel which somehow probably managed to be worse than the content you’re used to. And for that, I’m not sorry.


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