Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Day of Havoc Mantis

In celebration of this blog's 50th anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis. But before you go making any exclamations, Great Scott, I'll have you know that you may not have overshot. If your destination was December 19th, 2013 CE, then you're exactly when you want to be. If you find yourself in the future, don't worry. I'm on my way there as we speak. And if you're in the past, then you've broken time. I'm sure your parents were very proud when they will hear what you are doing.

But if time travel shenanigans are out of the question, what other explanation can there be for this contradiction of a 50th anniversary for that which has not been around for 50 years? Well, as the greatest detective of all time once said, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." And as improbable as it seems, Batman is right. The truth is that I stone cold lied to you. I purposely and maliciously omitted words from the opening sentence with the intent to deceive you. The full, uncensored edition reads as follows: "In celebration of this blog's 50th post, as well as its first anniversary, today is hereby declared The Day of Havoc Mantis." 

Nicely done. By presenting the Blog archive to the court, you've revealed the contradictions in my testimony. The evidence clearly indicates that there are a total of 51 posts on this blog, and that they only go back to January this year. But there is an explanation. While this particular blog only dates back to the beginning of 2013, it had its origins in the seedy underbelly of tumblr, and was imported to its current home after a month. The post number remark is actually true. I said that this post celebrated the 50th post, not that it was the 50th post. So what is this mysterious 50th post? Well, if Doctor Who has taught me anything, it's that every 50th...Anniversary needs a guest star. So, to play the role of David Tennant to my Matt Smith, I've convinced my best friend, Dr. Lou Tennant, to write up the 50th post. In fact, it's right below this one. He's a really funny guy, but he's never written anything like this before, so don't be too surprised if it's only one or two orders of magnitude better than what you're used to around here. You can go there right away, or you can continue reading this, because I've still got some things to say.

I thought that I might as well use this benchmark as an opportunity to take a trip down memory lane, recounting all the funny moments in the history of this blog. So we shouldn't be here too long. Although, all self-deprecation aside, this blog has more words than "The Great Gatsby". When you're dealing with more than 3 words, you just have to accept that we might be here awhile. So find a comfy place to sit, as I compress an entire year's worth of writing into only the parts worth reading.

First Post!

Man, screw this post, and screw the tumblr that spawned it. It was written way back in the dark ages, when I first made a tumblr, under the pseudonym "The Omnificent T-dub". That's why it referenced my name being stupid. Because it was. Also, it's pretty adorable how I deemed that "a little TL;DR", when nowadays that much text amounts to little more than a footnote to me.I just can't help but feel that feel you feel when you know that someone thinks their funny, but you know they aren't. For reference, consider the feel you're currently feeling.

Back with a Vengeance

Don't believe the title of the previous post. This post is the true first post, and I hope you get used to reading the word post, because I post a lot about the posts that I post. I think I might actually literally be crying at how absurd the word "post" is. Is this what crying is? Gross.

Actually, I'm certain that this is what crying is, because that is the only appropriate response to reading this. But if you're afraid that the rest of this trip down memory lane is going to be me bagging on my own writing, don't worry; I'm pretty sure I've written things that I've liked. But not this. The tone shifts abruptly and pointlessly from serious to joking, and while there are some funny moments, (particularly the joke I stole from XKCD) the whole thing just kind of falls flatter than justice. And that joke just goes to show you how much I've improved: While I used to make jokes that no one else would get and I would dislike after a year, I now make jokes that no one else would get, but I am confident I will find hilarious forever.

And an out of context picture seals the deal

Of Loners and Friends

In my opinion, the first paragraph of this post is one of the finest things I've ever written, utilizing tried-and-true standbys, like jokes about the taxonomic class of your mother's dentist, while also boldly blazing new trails with jokes about marriage. And while the level of fanboyish obsession that I exude is genuinely creepy, I wouldn't have it any other way. Is it really so strange to collect restraining orders the way some collect stamps?


If I had to pick one of my posts as my favorite, there's a good chance it'd be this one, despite, or behaps percause, it being pretty edgy, especially for my earlier work. In particular, I make a bold political statement, firmly declaring myself to disapprove of one of the hated groups in America. (People still know what the Westboro Baptist Church is, right? If I tried to make a Final Fantasy joke, would anyone get it?)

Except even more infuriating, amirite?

It also contains one of the two instances of race humor on this blog. Or I guess three, if you count that joke  that I explicitly didn't make. But it's OK. Some of my best friends are runners.

A Gentleman's Challenge

Because I continue to sport to this very day, I am now going to make public the answer key to this post, and reveal the seven words that were issued to me. At least, as many of them as I can remember. I am sure that "photon" was one of them, and my extensive physics training allowed me to make short work of it. While it did not contain any of the Selected Seven, I believe that the phrase “More parched than a thirsty barber” deserves recognition for being one of the least sensical things I've ever typed. The next word was abstract, so you can blame that for my digression to talking about mathematics, and, more regrettably, “Mathology”. If, in the future, this post has been deleted, assume that it was removed to conceal from grad schools any evidence that I'm actually a moron. Though, if that's my intention, I might just be better off purging this entire blog from the internet.

Moving on, I believe “ebbing” was one of them, which allowed me to make a choice laundry detergent joke that I had saved up for quite some time. It is also worth noting that I came up with the phrase “Original Gentleman” independently from Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer. No plagiarism was intended on my part. I'm pretty sure that “magnet” was one of them. Or maybe it was rainbows. Or perhaps miracles? I'm pretty sure that at least one of the words was brought to you by the Insane Clown Posse. Conflagration was definitely not one of the words.

I'm pretty sure that Hippopotamus was one of them. When I started talking about Pokemon, I think I had intended to say something about the Pokemon Hippowdon, but I decided to make a truly awful joke instead, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Actually, as it turns out, when I saved this post to the Great Archive of Havoc Mantis (Currently hiring! Only Top Men need apply) I included a list of the challenge words. Apparently "rainbow" was one of them, rather than magnets. I don't remember if rainbows were mentioned in ICP's treatise on Miracles, but I sure as hell don't get paid enough to go back and take another listen, so I guess it'll remain a mystery. I kind of forgot that I left this segment unfinished until the day before showtime, and I don't have it in me to write any more, so I'm just going to list the words. Entice, photon, rainbow, trickling, hippopotamus, abstract, ablaze. We cool? We cool.

Listless No More

I guess I'll kick this off by saying that, yes, I do intend to do a similar top X list for this year. When it comes to coming up with ideas of what to write about, annually counting down the best things of the year is easy prey. And I like my prey how I like my women. So, after this post, expect the list festivities (listivites?) to begin. Though I haven't really watched any movies this year, and there isn't much to say about Machine of Death II that wasn't said about Machine of Death I, so expect it to mostly be just games and music from games. But boy do I have some games to talk to you about.

I feel it is also worth noting that perhaps my favorite joke on this entire blog occurs in this series of posts. To be specific, it's the part where, in reference to Katawa Shoujo, I say “Bring a tissue. What you do with it is up to you.” It's one of the lewdest jokes I've made, but is at the same time subdued enough to be classy. Though I'd just like to point out that, when presented with two options, one does not necessarily have to choose one or the other exclusively. Just keep that in mind.

I feel like this image is enough to land me in Hell, or at least a government watch list.

While I'm here, I'd also like to issue a redaction on something that I said in the actual post titled "Listless no More". When I said that "ideas are a precious commodity..., to be treasured like an unwrapped Starburst that you find on the ground". I meant for that to be a wrapped Starburst. Unwrapped Starbursts that you find on the ground are by no means entirely without value, but I think you'll find that they are not quite as precious as ideas.

Diamond Emblem

For a long time I've considered this my least favorite post, because it mostly just consisted of me giving my opinions on a game, and that was never the intended purpose of this blog. I know that you don't care about my opinions, and I don't think you should. All I really want to do is try and spread a laugh or two. So don't feel like I actually expect your opinions to be swayed by my writing, unless the opinions in question are on whether or not you want to be my pal, in which case I hope you sway in the “no” direction. For your own sake.

Anyway, going back and re-reading this post, I found that the problem is that there are no pictures. Allow me to now rectify this problem.

Imagine me making a moist, unpleasant sound with my mouth. Any such sound will do.

Also, with regards to the title, I was referring to the fact that the game was hard. Diamonds are also noted for their hardness. Though, compared to Lunatic difficulty, even in Casual Mode, Hard difficulty is a walk in the cake.

Creep Deprivation

This post contains a great mystery to me. Towards the end, I make the claim "I have too many actual ideas about education to come up with a suitably ridiculous one." and I have no idea why. It doesn't taste like a joke when I read it in my brain, yet I have no memory of having actual ideas about education. I recognize that America's current education system is pretty cocked up, sure, with too many people focusing on grades and getting degrees in things they don't actually care about, but I don't know that I have any ideas about how to solve these problems. Unless... Sledgehammer Olympics. BOOM! I'll take my prize in cash.


In actuality, this post is probably my least favorite. I actually harbor a deep, irrational resentment towards those who identify themselves as "sO rAnDoM", and give stock examples of how weird they are, not realizing how much it makes them sound like every other teenager just desperate for attention. The reason you're not "normal" is because no one is. Stressing how different you are from this mythical "normal person" is little more than stereotyping everyone who doesn't belong to your little circle, and it seriously undermines human diversity. And the fact that my longest post to date smacks of this ignorant philosophy, while not being terribly funny, kind of hurts me. If the 50 posts I've written were states, this one would be Oklahoma.

And while I'd love to keep this entry brief and end on that pithy little jab, I want to mention that I hate this post even more after I noticed a reference to mathematical induction that is stupid. Making jokes about math you don't understand is more stupid than orthogonally projecting a hypersphere onto the z axis.

Screw Clever Titles: I'm Talking About Pokemon Stuff

Despite that devilishly clever title, I'm going to take this opportunity, not to talk about Pokemon stuff, but to expound on a single throwaway line that raised questions that many of  you have been aching to have answered for the past 5 months. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I mention "half-heartedly writing romance stories"; I am now deeply saddened to report that my labors bore no fruit. Some time around the beginning of summer, I entered into a pact with a few of my friends. Afterlife Battlefront had visions of writing a visual novel, and enlisted us to aid her. I won't go into too much detail, just in case anything does come of the idea, but it was pretty standard Visual Novel stuff. The player took the role of a student who had to choose one of four potential love interests, each of which had a story associated with them. There were four authors in total, including myself and Afterlife Battlefront, and we were each tasked with creating a love interest and a story for them. I tried my damnedest, and even ended up writing somewhere on the order of 20,000 words of story, script, and misc. ideas, but a single flaw prevented me from finishing the task to completion: my utter lack of ability to tell a coherent story. I put the "incoherent" in coherent storytelling. Did you see what I did there? That was wordplay, what I did there.

This also solves the mystery of the cryptic remark in my description about how "I might write fiction, depending on how some things work out." As it turns out, I don't, because they didn't. Although I wouldn't entirely dismiss the possibility that I finish my story and make it available to the public, I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't even know how I'd go about holding someone else's breath.


All in all, it's been a pretty great year, and I hope the next one is even better. And to help kick off the new year, I'll be dumping a collection of puns that I've accumulated over the semester. They double as a hopefully opaque attempt to pad the length of this post so that it usurps the throne of longest post from σ. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of some of these, but dammit, 30 is a nice number, so I just have to keep them all. 

Q. What do you call a ghost staying at a hotel? 
A. A polter-guest
Q. What does a printer spread on its morning toast? 
A. Paper jam
Q. What do you call an inflammatory crocodile? 
A. An insti-gator
Q. What do you call a giant transforming robot with only two factors?? 
A. An Optimus Prime Number
Q. What do you call an attorney's outfit? 
A. A lawsuit
Q. Why should you never play blackjack against the Prince of Mathematics? 
A. Because the Gauss always wins!
Q. Where did the proton bury the body? 
A. In an electric field
Q. How does an electron say farewell? 
A. They particle goodbye
Q. When an inmate is making a jailbreak, how fast does he go? 
A. Escape velocity
Q. What is it called when a jazz musician moves towards you? 
A. Blues shifting
Q. What do you call a song about electrochemistry? 
A. An ode (anode)
Q. Why was the singer cruel? 
A. Because he was harmonic mean
Q. Why are condoms logical? 
A. Because they're made of Vulcanized rubber
Q. How do you keep your hats safe? 
A. With a caps lock
Q. Why did the mathematician not brush his teeth? 
A. Because he wanted to study the calculus
Q. What do you call a dairy farmer's diary? 
A. A Cream journal
Q. What do you call a naughty orchestra? 
A. A sinphony
Q. What do you call a deaf paladin? 
A. A knight in signing armor
Q. Why did the tree complete the square? 
A. Because he wanted to find his roots
Q. What do you call a fire at a noodle factory? 
A. A tragedy of the ramens
Q. Did you hear about how 1 and  -1 are dating? 
A. I heard it's complex.
Q. Why did the dog write poetry in tetrimeter? 
A. Because it has four feet
Q. Why should you never kiss a chemist? 
A. They think that first base is caustic.
Q. What is it called when a circle wins a battle but at great cost? 
A. A pi-ric victory
Q. What is James Mays' favorite element? 
A. Car-bon
Q. Why did the 10th Doctor rent a flat? 
A. Because he was a David Tenant 
Q. What do you call a whip that isn't very heavy? 
A. A light switch
Q. Ron Weasly walks into a bar. What does he order? 
A. A Ginger Ale
Q. Why did the lawn ornament pass the class? 
A. Because he did all his gnome-work
Q. What does a fashionable scientist wear? 
A. A fab coat

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