Monday, April 21, 2014


I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to get hype for the new Super Smash Brothers. Telling someone to be excited for Super Smash Brothers is like telling fish to swim, or birds to fly, or the Secret Service to be kind of uneasy about how many pictures of the president I downloaded in one sitting. You're “preaching to the choir”, as it were. Yet, as was made painfully apparent with my previous post, I will desperately latch onto anything that I can make a joke out of, so here I am. Just recently (IT WAS RECENT WHEN I STARTED THIS, OK?), an entire Nintendo Direct was devoted to the upcoming Super Smash Brothers, and a lot of juicy details came to light. I really recommend that you watch it. There were a lot of little things to catch, such that if I attempted to record them all here, I'd end up with a humorless list of things someone else said; if I wanted to write that, I'd work for Buzzfeed. Hey-o! (A note to Buzzfeed: Please do not take this to mean that I value dignity or professional integrity more than money. If given the chance, I would gladly work for Buzzfeed for literally any positive, real amount of money.)

Usually, when it comes to Super Smash Bros. news, it's all about the fighters. Reveals of new fighters, and to a lesser extent, confirmations of returning fighters, are the big announcements that everyone looks forward to. But in this case, I think that the biggest reveal may have been the one pertaining to the game's release date. Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say “the games' release dates”. For you see, the biggest announcement was the fact that the two versions of the game, Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, will not be released at the same time. In a marketing move that gaming historians will likely remember as either unusually clever or impossibly stupid, Nintendo has decided to release the 3DS version first, this summer, with the Wii U version coming out in the Winter. Nintendo's official reason for doing this? Well, there isn't one, really. Sakurai just kind of says that they want to take their time to make sure the game is as great as it can possibly be. Since the 3DS version is being released earlier, this kind of implies that the Wii U version will be superior, which may have been their intention all along.

So, other than the release date, what else will be different between the two games? Well it seems that Sakurai caught wind of my suspicion that the two games would have different characters, because he confirms that both games will share the same roster. Stages, on the other hand are a completely different story. From the way he tells it, the two games will have completely different stages, only sharing series mainstays like Battlefield and Final Destination. Speaking of Final Destination, every stage now has a “Final Destination” form, which is perfectly flat and devoid of any platforms or obstacles, perfect for competitive players and “stop having fun” guys. This is to accommodate online play, which is separated into “For Fun”, which has all the stages and items that make Smash Bros. enjoyable, and “For Glory”, which has all the Final Destination all the not items that make Smash Bros. Serious business. Just like in those funny memes you may have heard so much about.

Since this isn't an actual paper that I'm turning in to my university Super Smash Bros. class, I don't have to give a shit about transitions. But since it is on my blog, it has to include at least one Skullgirls reference. "Rosalina is basically like Ms Fortune, except she doesn't utilize underboob. At least, not that we know of. *hopes fervently*" Sakurai also announced that characters who “change formes” in mid-battle will no longer be a thing. Characters who used to do this, like Samus & Zero Suit Samus, and Zelda & Sheik, have been separated into different characters. Pokemon trainer has been disbanded, and it's incredibly likely that only Charizard remains, as he was the only one announced, and if they kept Ivysaur and Squirtle, there would be way too many Pokemon. In fact, with the number of Pokemon fighters currently announced at the standard cap of 4, it seems entirely possible that the classic veteran Jigglypuff won't make it. Which, honestly, makes perfect sense. To me, it's a mystery why Jigglypuff was even included in the first game to begin with, and why we all subsequently went along with it, on par with the age old question of how everyone knows that they're called “Ewoks” when the word is never said in Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, it seems that if Jigglypuff is not returning, then his replacement is to be Greninja. That's right, a starter from the newest generation. Honestly, I'm not sure that's much better than a nobody like Jigglypuff. At least, that was what I though when I first heard about him. But, much like the Wii Fit trainer (who is apparently also a guy sometimes?) and the Villager before him, I changed my mind right quick when I saw his trailer. It was, for lack of a better word, hype as all hell. And I apologize if I use the word “hype” too much when referring to Smash Bros, but it would take a feat of Shakespearean ingenuity to come up with a word better suited to the feeling I get when I watch Smash Bros. videos. It's kind of like the goosebumps that you get when you listen to a beautiful piece of music. This lead me to try to think of some kind of pun involving “goosebumps”, but I had to pull out the emergency brakes on the ol' train of thought as soon as I pulled up at “juicebumps” station. I'll have to make a transfer to to a different line. Let's see... I'm getting excited for a fighting game. Exfightment? That might work if it weren't awful. Manticipation? I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like “mantissa pation”, which could be a math joke. Must investigate further.

Alright, it's time to stop pretending that there's anyone reading this who doesn't already know about the Nintendo Direct that happened two weeks ago. But I'll keep pretending that there's anyone reading this at all, because the truth can be scary sometimes. If you really want to learn all the things that were shown, just watch the video I linked at the beginning. It's fairly long, but I promise that it's worth your time. Certainly more worth your time than reading any part of this post after the one about me making the Secret Service uneasy.

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