Friday, April 11, 2014

Wham Episode

Have you ever been so out of things to say that you just started giving out personal information? No? Well, you should try it some time; your social security number can make a really effective icebreaker. Not that I have one of those. I'm so awkward, the government gave me an antisocial security number.

Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for The Government!

But because I absolutely cannot think of anything else to make a post about, I've decided to divulge the most dangerous secret in the universe i.e. my name, in the hopes that it would give me something to talk about. And I'd say it's working so far. Remember that line about the antisocial security number? That was gold.
Actually, [REDACTED], antisocial security numbers are a very real thing, and the government doesn't like it when you steal our jokes.

Oh, crap. Thanks, Obama. I was probably going to make a big deal out of the mystery, to let the readers savor the anticipation, and you just come right out and say it. That's no way to handle a big reveal. Where's your sense of suspense?

I "sense" that I may have to "suspend" your rights as a US citizen.

OK man, be cool! We're all friends here. I don't want no trouble. And before I start making jokes that would be incredibly unwise to associate with my name, (as it turns out, the government takes threats to the president very seriously) I think I'd better hang up, Mr. Obama.

I think that might be the wisest course of action, Mr. [REDACTED]

Anyway, it is indeed as the president said. That's my name, and you can feel free to wear it out, since it's covered by a rather hefty name insurance policy. See, since I no longer have the veil of anonymity to protect me, I am forced to be creative when it comes to the fictional crimes I conspire to commit on this blog. While before I might have spoken of murder or high treason, now I must make up absurd crimes like name insurance fraud.

I'll have you know that name insurance fraud is a serious issue facing this great nation, one that I would have you not make light of.

OK, really? Has the US government mastered mind control abilities and used them to allow Obama to ghost-write my blog, or am I just deranged? I'm not one to end my sentences with prepositions, so I'm inclined to lean towards the former.

The rule against ending sentences with prepositions is a myth. In this great country, we're free to end sentences with any word we want.

Yeah, well it's called a preposition for a reason. If I wanted it at the end of my sentence, I'd call it a postpostion. Besides, I recognize that it's a meaningless rule, but I am of the opinion that the more difficult my writing is to understand, the more smart it makes me sound. Because avoiding ending sentences with prepositions often makes writing difficult to understand, it makes me sound smarter. Uh, ostensibly.

Weren't you in the middle of making some kind of announcement?
Huh? Uh... maybe? I don't care about that anymore, though. This is more important. I need to know whether or not I'm actually talking to the president right now. So I'll ask you a question that only the real president would know. So... uh... like, what do you do in government?

Well you see, this great nation is governed by three branches of government, maintained by a system of checks and balances that-

Uh, sorry to interrupt you there, but it seems like these captions are getting a little crowded, so I thought I might invite you to the body of the post, where paragraphs and stuff happen.

Obama: Thank you very much, Mr. [REDACTED]. It is much more comfortable out here than it is in those stuffy captions. As I was saying before, the way that federal government is arranged is nearly identical to how the mind works according to Freudian Psychology, with the three branches of government analogous to the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. As president, I am the Ego, and I mediate between the Democrats and the Republicans, who are like the Id and Superego, disrespectively. I spend most of my time in Congress, where they debate about whether America is a democracy or republic. I've tried to get them to agree to “Democratic Republic” on several occasions but you know how politicians can be.

Me: I... see. Well, that sounds like the kind of description of government that could only come from someone with a profound apathy towards politics. I'm... not being mind controlled by Barack Obama, am I? I guess this means I am deranged.

Obama: Of course you're not being mind controlled by Barack Obama. The government is far too busy using its mind control powers to ensure that you're unprepared for your physics exams to waste any time with such trifling matters. You really are more deranged than a... hold on a second, let me look up the mathematical definition of “derangement” on Wikipedia...

Me: In combinatorial mathematics, a derangement is a permutation of the elements of a set such that none of the elements appear in their original position. So I guess more deranged than that?

Obama: More deranged that a permutation of elements such that-- oh, you already made the joke.

Me: Yeah, man. Who doesn't know the mathematical definition of derangement off the top of their head?

Obama: Please, don't bullshit me. That's a word for word copy paste job from the Wikipedia page on derangement.

Me: Yeah, man. I just happen to have the definition memorized word for word. Combinatorial mathematics is something that I am very familiar with.

Obama: Is hypocrisy something else with which you are familiar? Because you just ended a sentence with a preposition, shitlord.

Me: OK, you know what? I've just discovered that my aversion to putting words in the mouths of dead men also extends to living men, especially when those words are "shitlord".

Obama: You want to say that to my face, bitch, and not on the internet? I'll have you know that, as President, I have access to the raddest battle mech money can buy, and I will not hesitate to use it to turn your life into fire.

Me: Wait, what? I thought that you weren't Barack Obama mind controlling me. I was under the impression that this was a borderline schizophrenic conversation I was having with myself. Who are you?

???: Your impression is correct, for the most part, but I'm not sure what has you so confused. Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot you've never played Persona. Wow, what a sad and unfulfilling life you must lead. Then again, I already knew that.

Me: So... does that mean that you're my Shadow? A manifestation of my darkest thoughts and repressed desires?

???: Indeed. I am thou... and thou art I. You may call me... Dirac Obama! President of Physics!

Me: No! That's impossible! There's no way that you're m- actually, that sounds like exactly the kind of stupid joke that I'd make.

Dirac: Yes. And now that I've been given form, I will reveal the true nature of Havoc Mantis to all! Or should I say... [REDACTED]?

Me: I... I don't understand. What do you plan to do?

Dirac: You know that Twitter account that you maintain, where you post the stupidest, lewdest, most shameful things, only because you know that no one will read them?

Me: Ummmm... kind of. Is it really that bad?

Dirac: Remember “Chode to Joy”? “Baskin Throbbins”?

Me: Heh. Those were pretty good.

Dirac: What about Smegma-man?


*Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed above are meant to be reflections of current president Barack Obama. I bet that he's probably never said the word "shitlord" in his life, and he may not even know that it's a word, and that's why he's the president.

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