Monday, March 18, 2013


I am hoping that this will be a short post. Like, REALLY hoping. As hard as I can. I am hoping so much, Obama just called me up and expressed concern that I might be overdoing it. I am having trouble falling asleep. I guess this means that my attempts to outwit my body were soundly crushed. But all is not lost. At least I can use this time to give you guys a few laughs at my expense. Amn't I just the best ever?

Usually, when I have trouble falling asleep, I blame it on my brother staying up all night talking to his friends, like some kind of big hotshot cool-guy-with-friends. However, my brother is not here tonight, for reasons I am unable to divulge. I can say for certain that he ISN'T killing drifters, if that's what you were assuming. But sleep eludes me still, so it seems that there is no one to blame but myself. Except... except Obama! That's right! I forgot the first rule of whatever the hell, I'm making this up anyway: You can always blame the president. That's what our great nation was founded on.

Double-fun: I have work tomorrow morning, and I have to get up at the inhumane hour of 6:10. IN THE MORNING. As of this typing, it's midnight where I am. It doesn't take a math major to realize that I also used this joke in the last post. Actually, beginning writing this was probably the worst thing I possibly could have done (Besides telling everyone in the world that my kin is commiting felonies). Now, I'll just stay up out of a sense of duty to this blog, rather than get the sleep that I so desperately need. The funny thing is that I've been stupidly tired all day, but now I can't fall asleep now that I need to. As long as we all agree that "funny" now means "worse than getting flinched by an Excadrill Rock Slide". But I'm just kidding. Nothing is worse than Excadrill Rock Slide flinch.

That's a real purty mouth you've got there

You know what's kind of strange? Wookiepedia, the Star Wars Wiki (As well as runner-up in the "Absolute Worst/Best pun ever competition) has more than 100,000 pages. Now, Star Wars has a ridiculously detailed mythology. Especially if you count the Expanded Universe. By the way, if you do that, I hope you get flinched by every Excadrill you face. But still, that's way too many. How do they have that many? The answer is that they have pages for things that aren't even Star Wars. Like Limbs. I'm don't mean to take away from the importance of limbs in Star Wars, or even in life in general. They really get me through when times are tough. But they're so universal that I'm not really sure why they need an article on a Star Wars wiki. Same goes for Minutes. I'm sure that it's just as important to keep track of time long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but I think we all know that there are 60 seconds in a minute. Maybe if there were a fictional unit of time, like a rel, it would be worth an article, but this is just ridiculous. Same goes for pages about Trees, Eyes, Photons, and Soul Calibur. I don't know which is more stupid: The fact that that's something that actually happened, or me, for not realizing until now that "Calibur" is misspelled. I think it's also kind of adorable how all the articles use past tense, because it takes place "A long time ago".

Red Squiggles don't lie.

If you're wanting some kind of reason for why I bring this up, prepare to be disappointed. Not because I won't tell you; you'll wish you were so lucky. No, the reason is far sadder than anyone's imagining. My usual DM (Dungeon Master, which is not common knowledge among those with girlfriends it would seem) has set his sights on a Star Wars campaign. I doubt he'll ever read this, so I'll take the opportunity to confess that I have absolutely no faith in him. Yet I'm a sucker for creating characters, so I've been browsing Wookiepedia for details to flesh out my justice-hungry bounty hunter with a grudge against the Jedi Order. You know what they say: The fun is in not knowing.

Also, I'd like to point out that I'm not writing this because I, like, LIKE you or anything. I just don't have anything else to do, and I bet you guys are so pathetic that you don't have anything else to do with your time! I mean seriously, who even reads this stuff? Baka! B-but... I mean... it's not like I mind writing for you. If it's not too much of an inconvenience for you, I guess it's cool.


Apologies to the non-weeaboos out there. I feel like I may have done a tsundere bit before, but I don't really have the time to go back through my archives and check. I am just now realizing just how arbitrary and ridiculous a word "weeaboo" is. Heh. Weeaboo. Say it out loud. I promise, you won't regret it. Wii-uh-boo. Good stuff. I basically just wrote this because I thought the "Obama" bit at the beginning was funny, so I'm not sure how to end this. I guess I could apologize to him for telling my dog to "kill the president" in whispered tones on many occasions. I realize that saying such a thing is maybe illegal, at least if internet sketch comedy is to be believed, but I assure the secret service that it was all in jest. If my dog actually did kill you, Mr. Obama, I would be horrified. OK, I admit, at first I would think it kind of cool. I mean, a dog that's an assassin? That is owned by me? That is objectively, unarguably cool, Mr. President. But once I realized that I would probably go to jail, I'd change my mind so quickly it'd be undifferentiable. Since calculus humor is always the best note to end anything on, (Try it next time you're eulogizing!) I'll fare thee well. For now.

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