Saturday, March 30, 2013

Doctor Why Bother?

Next time you find someone bothering you, tell them to “Make like the moon of Poosh, and get lost.” If that's the funniest thing you've ever read, please read on. If not, fire up your NetFlix device of choice, and free up your schedule, because it is of paramount importance that everyone get that joke. That is my life's work right there, my magnum opus. You won't be disappointed.

I am about to talk about Doctor Who. That was the explanation that you were probably hoping for, if the title that I stole from a "Big Bang Theory" joke didn't tip you off. If you haven't watched Doctor Who, you totally should, it's really good, ect. Ect. There's no need to pretend that anyone's doing anything at my suggestion, so we'll just skip that part (Though, seriously, if you do watch it, you should watch the episode “Blink” first. Season 3).

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Doctor Who is the longest running show ever. In actuality, that's a lie, but it's 50 years old, this year. Some of the more clever of you may have noticed that no one was alive back then. Regardless, Doctor Who managed to spring into existence on the BBC as an educational show, or something. Like Sesame Street, but with less realistic special effects. In it, a crotchety old alien called “The Doctor” (Or “Doctor Who”, if you feel like getting mauled by ravenous fanboys) traveled through time and space, teaching kids about history and science, respectively (Because we all know that science doesn't happen on Earth). If you think it sounds lame just because it's for technically a children's show, just know that it's considerably more mature than most children's shows stateside. If nothing else, I can assure you that there is noticeably more implicit prostitution. The Doctor travels throughout time and space in his TARDIS, which stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. There's a pretty big debate about the inclusion of that parenthetical “s”, one that I have no desire to get into. The TARDIS is a hyper-advanced piece of Time Lord technology that can teleport to any point in time and space, is “bigger on the inside”, has a chameleon circuit that allows it to take on any disguise, and enjoys biting, because it's like kissing, but there's a winner. However, because the show was conceived before the concept of a budget was invented, and props cost money, the chameleon circuit broke in the first episode, forcing it to take the now famous form of a blue police telephone box.

The secret to the show's longevity is the fact that it's designed to last forever. With only one recurring character, an infinite universe of time and space to explore, and no plot to speak of, the only limitation on the show is its writers' collective ability to fabricate psuedo-scientific jargon. As a special bonus, that one character (The titular Doctor, in case you were wondering) has an in-universe excuse for changing faces, meaning he can be played as many actors as there are quirky British gentlemen willing to play him. But, if there's no plot, then what's the appeal of the show, you might ask (I feel like there should be a question mark somewhere around here, but I'm not sure where). Well, to as a response to your maybe-question I say: “... It's good?” Because I'm evidently really terrible at question marks.

As you may have noticed if you've read this far, I don't really have anything to say about Doctor Who. Reading this is basically like reading a Wikipedia article on Doctor Who, and about as fun, I'd imagine. The reason I'm trying to talk about Doctor Who, despite having nothing to say, is because I'm terrible at blogging. But the more superficial reason is the mid-series premiere (Apparently the British think that's an actual thing) of the 7th season of Doctor Who (I trust you know what I mean when I say 7th) is airing tonight, an episode that I will be watching tragically alone, as my brother has decided that hanging out with girls is cooler. (Note to brother and girl in question: Everything I say is a joke. Please don't take anything I say seriously. Actually, that sounds kind of sad, so please don't take that seriously. In fact, please recursively disregard everything I say, from here on out, including this, I guess. Thank you for your cooperation.) Despite my lack of faith in this season so far, I can't help but be excited for new Doctor Who, because if the series is on its deathbed, then I believe it can just up and regenerate into a newer, cooler, David Tennant-er show, because that's how television ought to work. Since Doctor Who is scheduled to go on forever, the Law of Large Numbers suggests that it will eventually be good again. Sticking around until then is just a matter of persistence, and if there's anything that the jury admired me for, it was my persistence (This description of my crime was intentionally left vague.)

Did you see what I did there? This was what I was doing there.

Limiting my ability to talk about Doctor Who is the potential propagation of spoilers, as well as my confusing use of the passive voice. During the eras of previous Doctors David Tennant and “Who cares, he isn't David Tennant”, spoilers wouldn't have really been considered a big deal, because of the whole “no plot” thing discussed earlier. Each episode or two was its own self-contained story about some monster of the week, occasionally hinting at the big confrontation to come in the season finale. This is somewhat different with the 11th Doctor, Matt Smith, who's had something of an over-arching storyline for his whole tenure as Doctor. I can't really say much of it, but I feel confident in saying that “Silence will fall”, because it's said in his first episode. The particulars of when Silence will fall, where it will fall, and on whom it will fall, while known by me, (I think?) will not be posted here, because... well, I'll just let you hear it straight from the expert:

I actually couldn't find a picture of River looking like she was saying "Spoilers". So gun instead

On the subject of River... well, I can't really say who she it, or what she does without incredible spoilers. And while science says that people actually enjoy stories more if they're spoiled, that's not a risk I'm willing to take, because you can always rewatch a show after it's been spoiled, but you can never unwatch a show that's been spoiled. I'd like to give a humorous example of some TV show that I'd like to unwatch, but I really don't TV, so my hands are tied. If you want to learn more of River, watch the Season 4 episode “Silence in the Library” (No relation to aforementioned Silence), and prepare to have your mind blown. There's also good music in that episode. Man, what a good show...

Anyway, I think my standards are low enough that this will suffice as a blog post. Did you know that “sufficient” and “suffice” almost certainly came from the same root? I'm not entirely sure if I did before autocomplete suggested it to me just now. Isn't life funny sometimes? In fact, I think our every day lives might just be a series of small miracles. No... perhaps they must be.


Haha! Oh, man. I'm sure no one got that, but trust me. That was a hilarious thing I just did.  

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