Tuesday, April 9, 2013


For the small percentage of my target audience that is not comprised of native Greek Pokemon fans, this post is about the new Pokemon that was recently revealed, bearing a strong aesthetic resemblance to Mewtwo. Dubbed "Mewthree" by basically everyone, there is some debate about whether it is an alternate forme, an evolution, or a different Pokemon entirely. But it has been confirmed by Word of God that it is indeed related to Mewtwo in some way, so we shouldn't end up with another Alomamola crisis on our hands. Judging by the way that he is referred to as a new Pokemon with some connection to Mewtwo, it seems unlikely that he's a new form. And we can infer that he probably isn't an evolved form because that would be absolutely unacceptable. And we all know that Game Freak only makes decisions that are at least marginally acceptable. Right?

It was definitely those piercing, powerful eyes that tipped me off.

Whatever it is... I don't think I like it. On the other hand, I find myself inclined to reserve judgment until I know more about its competitive viability, which means that I've rescinded any right to have any opinion on a  Pokemon's appearance. In fact, I am now having something of an internal crisis, brought about by questioning whether or not I like this Pokemon. Its appearance does a rather nice job of evoking the idea of a genetically engineered superweapon, but if there's one complaint I have, it's that goddamned head-tail. I don't know why but it's just... not OK. Perhaps the argument could be made that the unease evoked by GodDamned Head-Tail (referred to as GDHT from now on) is intentional, and that it was purposely designed to push the boundaries of the uncanny valley or something. But that's obviously taking it way too seriously. This is Pokemon: a game for children. GameFreak doesn't do things on purpose.

Backtracking to what I said earlier, it seems likely to me that this new Pokemon is meant to be some kind of genetically engineered monster, much like Mewtwo, who(m?) was created by optimizing Mew's genes for combat, as I'm sure you didn't need me to remind you. This coincides interestingly with the titles of the new games, "X and Y", which some have speculated to refer to X and Y chromosomes. As you likely know, the X and Y chromosomes are the ones that determine a person's sex (or gender, if you prefer being wrong). Females have two X chromosomes, and males have an X and a Y. If my imaginary/real prediction falls through the cracks, (Click here to read more about that, and be whisked away to a magical realm where I was actually funny) then my backup prediction is that the next Pokemon Generation will focus on Sex Warfare. If you're searching for a band name, that one's on the house. In much the same way that Pokemon Black and White was an allegory for civil rights and racism, Pokemon X and Y will mirror women's rights and suffrage. How GameFreak explores this is entirely up to them, but I'd appreciate it if they explained how the Hitmon- evolutionary line reproduces. I mean, they're all guys, so they can't breed with each other. Female-only Pokemon like Chansey can get around this limitation by sexing it up with Pokemon of other species, because children are always the same species as the mother. But for males, such sluttishness does nothing for the continuation of the species. The only way to solve this problem is by saying that ever single Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, and Hitmontop is the son of a Ditto. The lesson is that the Pokemon universe is an engine, and debauchery is its fuel.

Feel free to imagine this Pokemon sexing it up, real inter-species-like.  Also, notice how way too small her face is.

Since I've already strayed so far from Mewthree into the somewhat charted waters of XY general discussion, I'd like to bring up this asshole:

I am expressing dissatisfaction with your appearance, sir.

The internet has been abuzz with discussion of this Pokemon, the newest evolution of Eevee. Because GameFreak absolutely hates everyone who plays their games, they've refused to reveal this Pokemon's type yet, but I can rigorously prove that there is absolutely no way I will be satisfied with this thing's typing. As much as I'd like to be proven wrong, the math is incontestable. The way I see it, it has 4 possible types, and I will exhaustively explain why each one is lame:

  1. Normal-type. As I see it, this is the most likely type, because look at it. It looks like someone pasted an Audino texture onto a generic Eeveelution template. There are some people who say that its color scheme is the same as Victini's, and to those people I'd like to say that I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. In addition to the color, the ribbons seem to suggest normalcy to me. I can't really say why. I don't think I need to expound on why a normal type Eevee evolution would be lame. Normal is a lame type, for starters. The entire point of eevee is that it evolves to adapt to its environment. That's kind of how it got its name. So to what is Sylveon adapting? Is it purposely becoming cuter so that trainers will choose it more? That... actually kind of makes a lot of sense. But it's still lame.
  2. Some type other than normal. You might be wondering how there can be two more possible types when I've already included every type. The answer may surprise you. The main reason that it would be lame if it were some other type is that it doesn't look like any other type. Eeveelutions are supposed to have a design that suggests their type. What other type could this be? Dragon? I'm not really a fashionista, so I wouldn't know if ribbons were the most draconian of all accessories, but I'm pretty sure that ribbons are rather low on the big list of design choices that imply that something is a dragon. No other type comes to mind.
  3. Dual-type. Some people think they've come up with a clever workaround for the "It doesn't look like any type" problem by saying "Maybe it has two types!". These people have made poor life choices. By giving it two types, that just means that it has TWO types that it doesn't resemble, which actually doesn't circumvent the problem, but make it worse instead. This is known in the engineering community as "bad".
  4. New type. OK. Here we go. A lot of people cling to the delusional hope that there will be a new type, and that Sylveon will have that type. I think that won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't. And here's why: It's too late for a new type. If a new type were created, it would be greatly outnumbered by all other types, even if a few older pokemon were retconned with new types, like Magnemite. In addition, there's no real need for a new type. What would it be? The favorite is usually "light", but how would that work, effectiveness-wise? It would probably be good against dark and ghost. Maybe dragon? What would it resist? Dark and Steel were introduced in the second gen to curb the ridiculous overpoweredness of psychic. I'm already running way too long, and I'm too angry about this to really make any jokes, so the specifics of why psychic was so OP will be left out. There is no reason for a light type. Another suspect is "sound", which is similarly dubious. How would its type effectiveness match up? I guess it could be neutral against everything, like sonic boom, but that would be overpowered and also dumb. To top it off, there isn't really much about Sylveon's design that suggests any conceivable type. He just has a bunch of fleshy tentacles and a bow... tie... Sylveon is Time type. Since Sylveon is the 9th Pokemon in the Eevee evolutionary line, (including Eevee himself) I guess that makes him Chris Eccleston. Unless another Eevee is also revealed, in which case he could be David Tennant, which would be YES.

Speaking of the possibility of there being another Eeveelution: That “possibility” had better get upgraded to a “certainty” right quick if Gamefreak doesn't want me to threaten their pets. I may be a decent man, but all bets are off when it comes to preserving the parity of Pokemon. The number of Eeveelutions must always be odd, lest dire penalties be suffered. God Forbid GameFreak actually tries to change their games for once.

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