Thursday, January 24, 2013

Brace Yourselves: Winter is Ending

When I’m wandering through the bustling thoroughfares of the internet, people often approach me and ask “What’s your secret?”, to which I often respond “What are you talking about? I’m clean, man! She was like that when I found her!”. Then, much to my relief, they usually clarify that they are talking about the secret to my blog. “How can you write so much so quickly?”, they ask, desperately hoping to one day be as great as me. Though I know they are doomed to fail, it still warms my heart. “Standards of quality”, I always tell them, “You shouldn’t have them. They will prevent you from blogging successfully the way that artistic talent will prevent you from becoming a successful musician.” Of course, since these are the kind of people that constitute the broth that is the great stew of the Internet, they were not the type to be inhibited by standards of any kind. So they ask for more advice. So I tell them “Even the lowest standards in the world won’t do you any good if you don’t have any time to write. I’m a layabout, so I never have to worry about responsibility getting in the way. I suggest you drop out of school or quit work, so you can do the same.” Again, I overestimated my audience. The common folk of the internet are largely unburdened with such responsibilities. These were my two secret weapons, but for some people it still wasn’t enough. I never want to let down my fans, though, so I tell them this: “Just pretend. If you can deceive everyone, even yourself, into thinking you have a successful blog, than who’s to say you don’t? There’s no such thing as external reality: everything is as we believe it to be.” At this point, they are usually so thankful that they give me $100 and an offer for a casual encounter (I always decline).
I had a point to this post, before I got carried away with self-deprecating jokes, and it was this: I no longer have time to write. Tomorrow marks the end of Winter Break for me, so I’ll be going back to school, and this will drastically cut short the time I have available to do… whatever this is. Now, there’s no need to worry. This absolutely does not mean that I will cease to be a layabout. But it likely will mean that my production rate will slow considerably, if not grind to a halt. Now, before you cry into your pillow, and jump to Livejournal to write some totally soulful poetry about how the world is out to get you, and your parents just don’t understand, please do this one thing for me: Don’t do that. It’ll be fine. You see, this is no ordinary blog; this blog can only be seen by the strong of heart and spirit. If you read these words, that means that you have been judged, and you have been found worthy. So save those tears for something more worthy: lost loves, broken promises, spilled milk… anything, really. It’s not that big of a deal.
I can’t really predict how much of an effect college will have on my productivity. Like I said, there is a non-zero chance that I’ll just up and quit, deciding that my precious free time is better spent rolling around in the internet like a dog in poop, which I find to be a much better metaphor than “surfing the ‘net”. On the other side of the coin, I may actually post more regularly, as my long commute affords me plenty of time to write. This time would obviously be better spent on homework, but I’m not the kind of person to abstain from doing something just because it’s not the best thing I could be doing. For example, I’m writing this, even though I could be doing… just about anything else, really. Trying to get a good night’s sleep comes to mind.
I’ll try to get back to my “Favorite Things” lists, but I realized a bit too late how they were a bad idea, on account of the fact that I don’t like things. I’ll probably crack out a few more, but who’s to say how things will go? Maybe I’ll develop amnesia before I can finish, and forget about everything I like. More likely, I’ll just decide to post a link to Jon Lajoie’s “F**k Everything” to express the fact that I really just don’t care.
Regardless of what happens, I’m sure we can weather this storm. Together. *Passionate embrace*

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