Thursday, January 24, 2013

Case Files Subject #999 Codename: Havoc Mantis

I am rather shocked to find that Tumblr doesn’t have some kind of profile, where I can give a brief run-down of my interests, hobbies, favored sources of entertainment, edged weapons with which I am proficient, ect. Isn’t the entire point of a blog to delude oneself into believing that other people care about one’s interest? Thankfully, as a workaround to this thoughtless oversight, I’ll just make this post, detailing every last minutiae of my personality, because if there is one thing that this blog seeks to do, it is to give the people what they want. I guess I’ll just list some of my interests, what kinds of stuff I will be posting about, and stuff.
If you’re a busy adult, with no time to read my narcissistic ramblings, here’s a close approximation of my personality: Imagine the nerdiest possible person. Take every single hobby, attribute, and skill typically associated with nerddom, and apply it to one person. This hypothetical person is only a stone’s throw away from being me. I do realize that it’s kind of cliche to just call myself a nerd. I don’t mean to boast, but I once found my D&D persona empathizing with a character from an anime. I dare someone to top that.
I fancy myself a funny guy. Everything I say is likely a joke, only to be taken seriously at your peril. The primary exception to this is if I ever say the magic words “I’m being so sincere right now”. I’ll try my best to not be too crude, but if you find my content inappropriate, feel free to let me know. Sorry if I offend you. I’ve written at least one thing that has been compared to a Cracked article by multiple people, which made me very happy. I spell humour incorrectly, despite not being British. I was once called “The funniest person on Facebook” by someone whose opinion I value. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I use parenthetical clauses to disrupt my sentences a lot, (as demonstrated here) so if you have difficulty reading them, try reading what’s in the parentheses, then going back to the beginning of the sentence to re-read it, ignoring the parentheses the second time. This convoluted method of reading would likely be unnecessary if I was a better writer. 
A corollary to the whole “Everything is jokes” axiom states that, in general, most things I say or type are a reference or allusion to some website, meme, or work of fiction. I am incapable of original thought, so I quote “Star Fox 64”, instead. In accordance with the teachings of T-Rex, esteemed comedy philosopher, I believe that more obscure references are more potent. The fewer people get a joke, the more exclusive it is, and the more funny it is. As a courtesy, I’ll try to tag my posts with all the things referenced within. So if a post has a tag of “X Reference”, that means that it referenced X. This might help you keep track of my writing, but it’s cool if it doesn’t. So, if you find yourself not understanding a joke, assume that it is a reference to something you’ve never heard of, and move on. While it’s entirely possible that I just botched English writing, I’ll save face if I blame the reader.
In short, I’m a fan. I’ve always been interested in science, especially math and physics. Whether or not “math” is actually a science is debatable, but there is no way I’m going to make a whole extra section about it. I’m pretty good at them, too. At least, I was in High School. Back in my thuggin’ days. Only time will tell if I am capable of withstanding the pressures of advanced topics. I’m currently on track to majoring in Math and Physics. I kind of want to get a Doctorate, because then people would have to call me “doctor”, and that is just the coolest thing ever.
The internet
My home country. I live on the internet, more or less, and am sustained by it’s flickering warmth. For me, being deprived of the internet is probably a fate worse than death. Some of my favorite spots to hang out when procrastinating are,, Smogon University (A website dedicated to competitive Pokemon Battling) and the ubiquitous Facebook. I am generally familiar with internet culture. The degeneration of the word “meme” to mean “An image macro with text on the top and bottom” or “A rage comic” makes me feel like a crotchety old man.
Ah, video games. I remember when I played those. I was quite devoted, too, if memory serves. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that I was a Nintendo fanboy, but I owned other consoles, as well. Some of my favorite games/series are Legend of Zelda, Kirby, The Elder Scrolls, Super Smash Brothers, Pokemon (Competitive Battling, in particular), Fire Emblem, Sonic Adventure 2 Battle and Nine Doors Nine Hours Nine Persons. Nine Doors, Nine Hours, Nine persons (often abbreviated to 999) is a little known visual novel that I highly recommend. You should check it out if you are a fan of numbers, experiments, plot twists, wordplay, MILFs, or any combination of the above. The website told me to mention it in blogs, so I figured Wynaut? </shameless plug>
I still play games occasionally, but I have been weaned from the teat of vidya since I began college. I would blame a lack of time, but the existence of this blog painfully contradicts that assertion.
I’m fairly passionate about music, but I generally try to be accepting of other people’s tastes. Except for [Insert your favorite band/artist]. Liking them is an unforgivable sin. I listen almost exclusively to soundtracks of video games and, more recently, anime. So a list of my favorite music would be nearly indistinguishable from my favorite video games, with the addition of Cowboy Bebop, perhaps my favorite soundtrack of all time. In general, I am a fan of instrumental music, and don’t care much about lyrics, unless they’re meant to be funny. I play the clarinet, the most common instrument that the average 3rd grader probably couldn’t recognize. I am probably something of a hipster.
TV Shows
That’s cute. As a denizen of the internet, I rarely watch TV. Unlike gaming, there was never really a time I watched TV. The big exception to this is Doctor Who, one of my favorite things to reference. However, this most recent season (Season 7, new series) has been quite disappointing, so that may change if Steven Moffat doesn’t get it together. I have a passing interest in How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, and Bones, but I usually only watch them if someone else in my family is going on a Netflix binge. I guess you could consider anime “shows”, but you probably shouldn’t.
Simply put, a “weeaboo” is a colloquial, often derogatory term for someone an unusual interest in Japanese culture, but isn’t Japanese. They are generally characterized by watching anime, reading manga and visual novels, and saying Japanese words out of context, like “kawaii”, which roughly translates to “cute”. Whether or not I am a weeaboo is up for debate. I have watched a modest library of anime, read a few visual novels, but no manga. Because anime in general is fairly obscure, don’t be surprised if I reference it. I guess if someone asked me who my waifu is, and threatened me with great bodily harm if I didn’t comply, I would say “Rin, from Katawa Shoujo” (Translates to “Crippled Girls” Exactly what it says on the tin). Otherwise, however, I probably deny having a waifu. And no, the fact that I admitted it just now does not mean that I am being threatened. That would be dangerous and it would be too risky to make such implications.
I am a grammar Nazi. I am incredibly particular about words and punctuation. I am the kind of person who actually gets angry when someone uses the wrong “your”. That said, I’m far from perfect at grammar. Proofreading isn’t really my style, so if you catch a mistake, let me know, and I’ll give you an intangible gift.
Haha, nope. I don’t want any controversy here, so I’m just gonna say that I’m an acolyte of the Church of the Tin Vagabond. 
Edged Weapons with which I am proficient:
What, you thought that was just a one-off joke? Nope, it was a brick joke all along! Obviously, I’m proficient with all edged weapons, but here are a few with which I am especially masterful:

  • Swordcanes: The noble swordcane is the most gentlemanly of all weapons, and may only be unsheathed to defend one’s own honor, or the honor of one’s lady. To brandish it otherwise would be sacriledge.
  • Halberds: I’ve always had a predilection for halberds in conflicts where keeping a moderate distance would be advantageous. Basically, a halberd is like a giant cross between an axe and a spear, with a name that’s far funner to say than either. While it is not an edged weapon, I am also capable of piloting Meta Knight’s battleship, The Halberd.
  • Shoeknives: It’s a knife. In your shoe. Great for close quarters combat. It’s like an assassin’s hidden blade, but for your feet. There’s really nothing else to be said.
  • Arrows: Since a bow isn’t really an edged weapon in and of itself, I just included arrows in this list. I am perfectly capable of killing a man with just an arrow, even without the bow. Even at a distance. Especially at a distance.

All-in-all, this blog is mostly something I can do to trick my brain into thinking that I’m spending my time well, even though I’m obviously not. This works well for avoiding the doing of actual work. If other people can be entertained by my excuses, then that is all the better. Any time someone likes one of my posts, I get so excited, I can’t even think of a ridiculous comparison to make. It’s like doing community service, except it takes no effort on your part! And, best of all, I have no way of knowing whether your likes are genuine or not. In fact, I don’t care! So I guess this blog also serves the purpose of harvesting false internet approval. I’m counting you, internet! Don’t let me down!

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