Thursday, January 24, 2013

The End of an Old Era

I’m sorry tumblr. It’s not you, it’s me. Specifically, it’s my desire to be able to post pictures, video, and text all in the same post, with captions and stuff. It is also the fact that I would like to be able to see how many views my posts get, so that I might know how truly alone I am. On top of that, there’s also the thing about how no one likes you, and my friends will stop being my friends if I keep hanging out with you. What I am trying to humorously imply, tumblr, is that it is, in fact, you. I hate you so much that I wish you were a real person so that you could understand my scorn. In fact, unlike most things that I hate, I hate you only mostly because the internet tells me to, rather than entirely because the internet tells me to. It’s cool that you can queue up posts to be automatically be posted regularly, but when the lowest frequency you can set it to is “once per day”, then there is a serious disconnect between what I am trying to use you for, and what you are useful for. I guess what I’m trying to say, tumblr, is that I do not think you man enough to handle all the words I employ when I get down to business.
And before you ask… yes. There is someone else. I’ve had eyes on Blogspot ever since I saw her hanging out with one of my internet buddies. Or is it “Blogger”? I don’t really know her name. And another thing: In this metaphor are the blogging sites guys, or girls? Because I’m a heterosexual male, and I’m using feminine pronouns, but earlier I said “man enough”. Maybe I’m just kinky like that? I think this is one of those times where I really hope my parents don't read this. Anyway, the details of the metaphor are unimportant. I’m breaking up with you, and you’re picking apart my methods of trying to break it to you gently? How dare you?! Did what we had even mean anything? The nerve! Get out! I don’t ever want to see you again!

What’s that? Oh, yes, I suppose this is your domain. I mean, you’re basically the location itself, that I’m arguing in, so it’s not like you can leave. I’ll be on my way shortly, if you could please wait just a few seconds.

Hey there, readers. Sorry you had to see that. No, don’t worry, it’s not your fault we’re fighting. We both still love you, we just love you… discretely. But I have a new blogging website now, over at blogspot, and I would appreciate it if you abandoned tumblr and went there from now on whenever you want to check out the Havoc Mantis Blog. I am switching because it has more formatting options, it is more organized, and associating with it won’t cause people to baselessly judge me as “human trash”. I very much prefer that people’s judgements of me as “human trash” be as baseful as possible.
So, from now on, go there whenever you’re suffering a particularly nasty bout of nonsense withdrawal.

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