Orthodontia

I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled today. This sucks so much that I figured I might as well share it. Misery loves corporations, and all that. I’m being put under for the operation, so there’s a non-zero chance of me dying(!) As a result, this may be the final post on Havoc Mantis. The value of art always skyrockets after the artist’s demise, so hopefully this blog will be worth a pretty penny. Regardless, this will almost certainly the last post for the next couple of days, as I’ll be too busy crying through my tooth-sockets to even try to be creative. So I thought I might take this opportunity to talk about teeth.

Teeth. They’re hella vital. Eating most foods without teeth is like taking on Alduin with a rusty iron dagger (Alternate joke: like taking on Ganon with a broken giant’s knife). I’m also told that they are used in talking, but I don’t have enough experience to confirm. Still, that guy in Pokemon Yellow couldn’t talk until you got him his teeth, so I have no choice but to believe. As every 3rd grader knows, teeth are made of the same thing as bones. This material is milk that has undergone a change induced by intense heat and pressure, much like the process that changes coal to diamond. Few know this, but this process actually takes place within the appendix, and is fueled by a special kind of photosynthesis. This photosynthesis is conducted by the pigment “cantalopin”, which is responsible for white people. The existence of this process is explained away by the fabled “Vitamin D”, which is said to be produced by exposure to sunlight, and used in conjunction with calcium to form teeth and bones. In reality, no such vitamin exists, and it was only named such so doctors could jokingly give patients a dose of vitamin Deeeeeeeez nuts. The government has prevented this knowledge from being available to the general public, due to fear that citizens could use the intense heat and pressure of appendices as weapons. I don’t have to worry about this, because this is The Internet, and laws don’t apply here. If they did, then how can you explain how I haven’t been brought to justice for all the murders I’ve “jokingly” admitted to?

Now, wisdom teeth in particular are a rather tricky beast. Their removal is a vestigial ritual of our society. You see, in the olden days, young men and women had their wisdom teeth removed when they came of age, as an offering to the goddess Nayru. Now, as any anthropologist will tell you, rituals and customs always develop for a reason. For example, cultures where spicy food is prevalent are often found in warmer parts of the world, where food spoils more easily, and the spices are meant to preserve food from spoiling and/or mask the taste of spoiled food. Some people protest the funerals of dead soldiers because humanity is really monsters. So what kind explanation exists for wisdom teeth? I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until the next paragraph to learn.

And we’re back! You see, there’s a reason that wisdom teeth are called wisdom teeth. Compared to other teeth, they have a much more direct connection to the brain, due to the layout of nerves and stuff. As a result, these teeth are far more intelligent than ordinary teeth (Back in the day, they didn’t have D&D to tell them the difference between intellect and wisdom). Now, clever chompers would usually be a pretty cool deal, but sometimes they get a little too smart. They pull a Lucifer, and start thinking that they should be in charge. They’ll incite their fellow teeth, bless the simpletons, in rebellion. Naturally, this causes all kinds of problems.  The removal of wisdom teeth solves this problem before it even begins, like a dictator imprisoning citizens who show even the smallest hint of rebellion. And this is why the libertarian party is so staunchly anti-wisdom teeth removal. Go ahead, ask one the next time you meet one.

Your wisdom teeth (dramatization)

Well, there you have it. The whole scoop. I guess I’ll be spending the next couple of days in a miserable haze of drugs, pain, and ice cream. Or rather, I would if this whole wisdom teeth thing hadn’t interrupted my usual weekend plans.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have never murdered anyone. I am being so sincere right now. Manslaughter, on the other hand… 

UPDATE: I didn’t die! So that’s a relief! And they even let me keep the teeth, so I’ve now got a new pair of cuff-links (54 Tumblr points to whoever gets the reference).

Special Blogspot Note: Because this is no longer tumblr, I will now be giving 37 Blogspot points. I am giving fewer, because Blogspot is less terrible than tumblr.