Thursday, January 24, 2013

Of Loners and Friends

In biology, a symbiotic relationship is one that benefits both organisms, like the relationship between a hippo and the bird that cleans its teeth. A parasitic relationship is one where the parasite reaps all the benefits, while the host suffers because of it, like the relationship between your mom and the bird that cleans her teeth (Who’s getting the short end of the stick? I’ll never tell!). I think there’s a third kind of relationship, where one organism benefits, but the other is neither harmed nor helped. I don’t care what it’s called, and neither should you. Theoretically, other types of relationships exist, like ones where neither organism benefits, or ones where both participants suffer. The scientific terms for these are “Not being in a freaking relationship” and “Matrimony” (Zinger alert!).
I am bringing this up because I would like to initiate such a relationship with “Loner and Friends”, a blog run by one of my internet friends/real-life acquaintances. A parasitic one, to be specific. You see, Payton Knobeloch actually has the stones to give his real name on the internet. Because Payton isn’t the kind of person who developed a sense of humor as a defense mechanism against his crippling loneliness. His humor is borne of the fact that he is a superior specimen of humanity, the kind that will be artificially selected in the coming years. He was, is, and will likely forever be one of the “cool kids”. But not the kind who’s a jerk to the uncool kids. No, the kind who’s a jerk to everyone, but in such a way that is just so damn cool. (At least, that’s my opinion. There are those who find themselves suffering from acute-onset panty twisting whenever he says things). Of all the people that I would truthfully describe as “An unapologetic asshole”, Payton Knobeloch is probably my very favorite. But beneath his rude exterior, Payton has a kind heart, as evidenced by the fact that he once called me “The funniest person on Facebook”. Ethicists have rated this as being on par with “Reading to the mentally disabled” in terms of being indicative of a good person.
So, now that I’ve established that I have a creepy, one sided bromance with this guy, what does this mean for you, the readers? Well, it means that you should check out his blog. As you may have noticed, his blog is not on tumblr, which is just more evidence that he is a more perfect man than I. From his introductory post, it seems to me like his blog will cover a range of topics similar to my own. To be more specific, most of it will be about “I have no idea, man”, which is exactly what the Havoc Mantis blog is all about.
To put the desired relationship into another perspective, I turn to the classic “Good cop, bad cop” trope. In this analogy, “Loner and Friends” would be the good cop, doing all the things blogs are expected to do: Keeping a schedule, sticking to a certain spectrum of topics, striving to entertain/inform readers, ect. “Havoc Mantis”, on the other hand, will fill the role of “bad cop”, doing things outside the rules. I’m a man with no allegiance, except to the lulz. And not even the lulz of my readers. For you see, this is all for me. There’s no such thing as altruism. Everything I ever type is working towards the endgame plan of being able to look back at my work as a senile old man and say “Damn. I was pretty clever back then, weren’t I?” This will be followed by a quick and clean death, as the assassins that I hired to take my life, should I ever make a grammatical mistake so great as to be insurmountable, do their job. Anyway, I should probably get back to the “bad cop” analogy that I never really finished. The point is that I might break all the rules of comedy, sometimes in ways so bombastic that the end result will look identical to following the rules of comedy.
So there you have it. Basically, the intention of this post is to guilt Payton into mentioning my blog on his blog, which will net me a lot more readers than this post will net him, because of the aforementioned popularity. Also, he’s confident enough to spread the word about his blog, whereas I haven’t even mentioned mine on my Facebook, which only the upper echelons of my companions may access. As a result, I gain more than he does, and negative reciprocity ensues. Because in the prisoner’s dilemma, betraying is always the most rational choice.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… *gets down on one kneePayton Knobeloch, will you be my blog buddy? (No homo) (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s a legitimate, alternate deathstyle) (That was a joke. I am totally cool with gay people. I’m being so sincere right now)

EDIT: He said yes! Squee!!! 

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